New direction

Hello,

I'm sneaking in this post while at work. I am supposed to be packing/filing/archiving. It will be exactly 2 years and 5 months here before I officially leave the organisation. I must say, I was feeling sad and overwhelmed by positive memories as I typed my resignation letter. But after a flurry of events between finishing the last sentence of that and finally submitting the letter, I feel rather energised that I'm moving on.

To school!

I got accepted into the clinical programme of my choice :) Alhamdulillah! And I start in Feb. In fact, it is exactly one month to the day I fly off and embark on a new adventure. Excited? Yes. Terrified? Definitely. I just pray my brain juice hasn't dried up. And I'm trying to psych myself up to the fact that free time will inevitably translate to study time, and anything other would likely stir feelings of guilt. Yikes.

So, I guess, I'll be blogging a lot more from now. Hopefully, not as much as I did while at nus..or at least not so fixated about passing/failing/scoring.

I just want to learn. And enjoy the process!

Bismillah!

Commencement came and went. Just like prom, the highlight of the night was taking photos with friends :) Seriously, the ceremony was uneventful. The guest speaker and the valedictorian gave awful and uninspiring speeches, so much so that I wanted to grab the mike from them and deliver a better one. I think we all deserved that. What irks me even more is that the valedictorian wasnt even from psych. She was some el/lit major, who, by the way, probably embarassed the dept for she was truly not what one would expect from a el/lit graduate, first class no less. Pardon me for being critical, but I do think that someone from psych should be the one up there, given that majority of us were from psych. Or at least someone who can articulate well and can show a bit more enthusiasm in his/her speech. And everybody knows that one should NEVER inject more than 2 quotes in any speech. She inserted countless quotes, and, as if to show that she's well rounded or smt, she gave quotes in english, german, french, jap and korean...and she quoted shakespeare (Wah) twice or 3 times. We were all rolling our eyes by then. And she was super blur at the end when she was supposed to give the cue to throw our hats up. So in the end, the ceremony ended with balloons and streamers but no flying hats. Boo.

But other than that, I had a great time snapping pictures here and there. And the event was made memorable because my loved ones were present... :) Despite the fact that the ceremony ended around 9 plus-10, everyone's mood was high, chatting, catching up and taking pictures again and again. How often would we all be at the same place again?

That said, thank you so much nudgie for taking pictures the whole night :) I've uploaded them on fcebk.

Work wise, I was able to speak to my team mates a few days ago over lunch..about lunch. It was just the 3 of us so we had a lovely chit-chat and I think I kinda bonded with them :) So everything's looking up at last! Work's coming in at a steady pace too and they've asked me if Im willing to start working on a project. I think I might be ready but I told them I'd think about it. :)

I calculated that in the last 3 weeks since I started working, Ive spent a whopping $750 bucks. The downer is that I wont be getting my pay till August cos I joined after the 'window period'. Right. SIGH. Which means, Im going to be a miser for the next few weeks else I deplete my savings.

But before that, Im going to blanja my family dinner cos im supposed to get my pay and I dont want to wait till august since my dad is flying off so yeap..im digging into my life savings yet again.

B and I had an adventure-packed day yesterday. We went to sungai buloh and then to night safari. Ive never been to these places so Im really glad we went! :) SB is a lovely place to go if you want to get away from humans. NS on the other hand...it was so crowded so much so that tranquility we enjoyed and took away from SB was disrupted. But it was fun anyways, sitting on the tram, enjoying the view and the animals...and the live show was superbly entertaining.

Till next week, have a lovely evening :)

END POST~5.20pm

Alhamdulillah
Allahu-akbar. Allahu-akbar. Allahu-akbar.

~END POST~10.35am

Undergraduate no more! :)

Alhamdulillah, I survived 16 years of formal education!

And..........ALHAMDULILLAH! I am now employed!

Oh, what a sweet end to a long and memorable journey.
Simply surreal indeed :)

END POST~2.15am

Oh my gosh.

I can't get away from research after all, can I?

I was reading for Fridays' exam and I thought of a research paradigm for my masters, if I ever do one. I even came up with an outline in 5 minutes. An OUTLINE!

And I'm getting excited about this. HAHA. This is so bizarre.

END POST~4.21pm

Who says facebook isnt educational? Ive never heard of 'defenestrated' till the superpoke thing. Even then, I imagined the word to mean something like 'fumigating'. Probably cos 'nest' is embedded in the word. So I assume it means some massive bug killing. Heh, now I know what it means! It means throwing someone out the window! :)

Hm. Why would people want to do that to me? Ah well.

Im really glad this last exam is only 40%. Goodness, what a relief, knowing that ive covered more than half the module over the semester. I am seriously in no mood to mug. I came up with a nice schedule yesterday and I dont really have much time to cover everything. But I am so blah already. Doesnt help to know that some people are done already. Argh.

In exactly one week, I'll be off and away!

And I have plans after the exams. I told my sis abt how empty I'd feel after the last paper and she said she'll hang out with me :) Yay.

Then sat and sun, I'll probably spend time at home with the family. And pack. Then mon-fri morn I'll be away w cheryl and mel. Our first vacation together! Then when I come back, Im gonna start calling people up to go out with me. Im going to exercise everyday too. That's right, everyday. Im going to watch movie after movie. And read book after book.

And oh, perhaps find a job in between. Or maybe I should just enjoy myself till my savings deplete.

Worse case scenarios in no particular order

1: be a research assistant at nus
2: apply for imh or moe research assistant

3: starbucks

4: tuition

5: apply for grad school by first taking the GREs.

Either way, Im sure I'll be able to find something to do :) I'm quite glad my folks are taking it easy that I may potentially be unemployed. Ive been worried and fretting and my mom said "What are you so worried about? You dont have anything to pay what".

True and not so true. I'll technically still have to pay my tuition fees what. Alhamdulillah, I wont have to owe nasty banks but I'll still owe my family money. And I quote my mom "Money is money. Family is family". Bottomline, you owe money, no matter who, you better pay.

So Im sure when she said "What are you worried abt...". I'm sure what she meant is, "you're lucky others can help you settle the bank first so you dont have interests to bother about".

But I still owe money. And I dont like that feeling. So I'll probably get some crappy job to pay it off. Besides, crappy job can be considered 'work experience' right?

Ok la :) Life will still go on. The sky is blue and the sun will shine everyday. Im sure I'll make the best out of life.

Still, Insha-Allah, I'll get that call from them soon :)

END POST~11.57am

One week to my next and FINAL final paper as an undergraduate. As much as I want to get it done with (and done well, I must add), I don't have anything special planned following the paper so I reckon that its going to be a bit anti-climatic. Emptiness would surely ensue, as the lull I felt after Wed's paper.

A great mist lie before me. The predictable safety of academia shall be no more. No more next semester. No more next academic year. Just one big cloud ahead.

Besides the vacation, the 10k run and Najib's return, I don't really know what lies ahead. And I'm the type of person who needs to see what's coming so I can plan. I need to have a sense of purpose. I need direction. Come next Friday, I may possibly be in a state of limbo.

So I'm anxiously waiting for a call from them. I cant sleep. In my dreams I keep thinking about it. I need to let go but Im really scared of another "After careful consideration....We wish you success..". I keep checking my phone. My email. God, help me let go. If its meant to be, its meant to be.

In other news, I spent yesterday watching two movies. The first was Perfume:The story of a murderer. I give it 5 out of 5. The story is about a man, born with the gift of a superior olfactory. He is able to detect even the tiniest variation in scents. Born in, presumably 16th century paris, filthy and overpopulated, he was abandoned after birth in a dump of a fish market, and left to die. Yet, the infant Jean-Paul fought and survived, and took his first breath of putrid air. The narrator then documents his life in an orphanage where his ability unnerved the other children and so he was left alone to explore the scents around him. After being sold to work in a tannery, he was exposed to the city once again while making a delivery, and there, he selfishly took in all the scents he could possibly. Finally, he, after quite a bit of drama, entered the realm of perfumery.
The character Jean-paul hardly talks. The actor gave such a brilliant performance. His eyes. The expression in his eyes. The zeal, the obsession. Essentially, the movie charts Jean-Paul's desire to capture the sublime beauty of women and create the ultimate perfume. I do not think I have done justice reviewing this movie so I strongly urge everyone to watch it. It may sound boring at first, but rest assured, you will be pulled into this murder/mystery/thriller. On the one hand, I was rooting for Jean-Paul because his ambition really did stem from innocence, yet his actions are wrong. But I rooted for him anyway. The ending was very very surprising and satisfying. From my understanding, the movie is of german-english production so do not expect the pace of the movie to be like that of the typical hollywood ones. And the narrator was fantastic. Somber, purposeful and captivating.

The second movie I watched was a lighter one. After the first, I needed something to laugh at so I watched Over her dead body. It's quite enjoyable, especially since Paul rudd's acting in it. He has such charm about him. The movie's about how Eva longoria refuses to let go of her ex-fiance even though she's dead and is a ghost. So it's a predictable movie. How she's dead and he's grieving. How his sister comes in to help him move on and perhaps find love. How the dead fiancee refuses to let him date this psychic who can, incidentally, see her. So there's the hilarious schemes she cooks up to foil their blossoming romance. The bedroom scene is hilarious. Then how he finds out the psychic is lying bla bla bla. So they break up. But he's not happy. Then the ghost felt bad seeing him miserable so she winds up letting go of him and somehow the couple gets back together. The end. But its funny la. So go and watch.

Well, I think I'm done with today's post. I suppose I should plan out my study schedule for the psychophysio exam. One whole week to study for this. I have never had that much time to study for a paper. So i'm not going to blow my chances of acing this!

END POST~10.24am

On the plus side, I have managed to wean myself off unhealthy waking hours. Still, why on earth cant i concentrate on my revision?

Oh, I've tried and I've tried but I get easily distracted. By food. By youtube. By other blogs. By reading the news. Goodness! I had 2 weeks to study and now Im down to 3 days before my first paper. I am starting to panic!

Come on farah! Last set of hurdles to clear! Go Go Gooooo!

END POST~9.35am

Last lesson was alright. I know Im going to sound awful, but I didnt really learn much today. Maybe its a sign that the time is right for me to leave school :) I sat alone during my final lect at nus. After the lesson ended, she wished us the best, then people started whipping out their camera. But I left class.

I wanted to pray in school for the last time. So I took my wudhu and made my way to the prayer area at as6. I prayed. And after that, I just sat down and let my mind wander. 4 years. Gosh 4 whole years. I had flashbacks. Me wearing a yellow t-shirt, denim skirt and sports shoe (I know. What was I thinking. Fresh out of jc la). How I first prayed around the same area. Back then, the prayer area was at the lift lobby outside the social work dept. How I learnt my grandma passed away in year 2 while I was having lect at lt14. How I prayed in between classes during the fasting month. How when my darling came, we were both fasting, we went separate ways to pray maghrib first before meeting up to break fast together. How I'd pray for this. For that.
How I'd meet other muslim girls I wouldnt have met if not for this area. How we chatted for a while and then very seldomly meet again.

And then I looked around. What a beautiful place to pray. Because its by the window. The huge window by the stairs which overlooks the old law lib and biz faculty, where you can see the sea and ships and the clear sky. After reminisicing, I left the area and I dont know why, I looked back at the area and I said Alhamdulillah, and I walked away. I guess I meant it to be for everything. For the 4 years. For the good, for the bad, everything. Then I found myself smiling. The mass of trees that were burnt and brown 2 years ago have all gone green again. Renewed.

I'm getting all philo. With that, I met up with a couple of people and then I left :)

Went to the bus stop and there I saw 4 psych lecturers, one of them, my sup. At first I was like "oh noo" because I didnt want to make small talk because a part of me had fear conditioned. So I hid myself. But eventually I managed to pluck up the courage to board the same bus as him. And I even waved to him as I made my way to my seat. How ridiculous! I chuckled to myself. Out here, he is just another person. No power. No status. Nothing. Just another human being heading home from work.

Ive conquered my ridiculous fear. What a feeling! :)

I am an adult now!

Giggles. Adult. Hehehe.

END POST~10.02pm

I wish I had witty opening statements to make but I dont. In fact, Ive logged onto blogger countless times but I end up logging out because I just didnt feel like completing any sentence..

Eventually I would and I'd like to simply jump into talking about other things but, the thing is, I cant. How can I avoid mentioning it because it is was still is a big part of my academic life?

I handed it in late, folks. 40 mins late. But I handed it in nevertheless. I wasnt feeling the emotions I dreamt I would. That sense of accomplishment..the so called 'deliverance'..I did not get to experience that. Instead, I felt nothing and everything but not what I had been longing for.

I felt disappointment, anger, frustration at myself because I was unable to realise the image I had in my head. But I did feel, that given the circumstances, I did the best that I could possibly manage. Still, when I re-read what I submitted and thought of all the things I could have put into it..it saddens me.

Particularly because that thing is supposed to embody all that I have learnt in the past 4 years. It was supposed to mark an achievement..a milestone. I've worked so hard from the beginning, only to falter at the end. What's worse, markers/readers wont appreciate the effort that went into it. All they will see is what I submitted-which isnt a true reflection of what went into it.

But its over. And through the entire process, I have learnt a lot. I know, i know, this is the 'loser talk' but well, its true. I have really learnt a lot abt myself. And I have to say, I have more faith in God than ever before. Because I highly doubt that I would have had the strength to complete it at all had it not been for Him. Well, it might not be a fantastic piece of work, but its done, you know? I think I finally know what its like to hit rock bottom. But to rise above that because of faith.

So that's that. Alhamdulillah. I pray, that when I look back on in life, I will be happy with whats happened. Everything happens for a reason. As much as I want to sound gloomy and all, there must be a reason, beyond me, beyond you, there must be a reason why the sequence of events leading up to the thesis submission happened.

And that drives me...that reminds me that I should really just leave it to Allah. Because He has plans for me and in some ways, Im quite excited to find out what :)

Insha-Allah, I will have a bright future ahead of me. I have been so blessed by what I have now..and even if things dont turn out the way I wish it to, I think I'll be alright..as long as I submit myself to Him.

:)

END POST~10.06pm

I've been so afraid of coming off as dumb or as having not thought through my thesis enough but you know what?

I dont care. This is MY thesis. This is MY final lap. I WILL enjoy writing this.

I WILL HAVE FUN! Because this labour of love is finally going to happen.

Even if it comes out wrong, even if it doesnt make sense to others, it is MY baby, and Im going to make sure as much as I can that it comes out right. I will leave the rest to Allah because He is the only one who can determine my fate.

In short, good or bad, I will love it no matter what happens.

END POST~1.37pm

I'm blessed to have such a supportive studying environment at home. Academia is definitely in our veins!

While i've been moping these past few days, I realise that my brothers and sister are facing similar stresses.

My sis and bro will be taking the same post-grad exam on the 8th of april so they've been up studying and its super encouraging. My eldest bro on the other hand is working hard on his dissertation. I love my family! Its like a library here at night! And its really interesting to see how study modes among us differ. Sister would sleep early yet somehow she'll always cover what she seeks to. I suspect she's the most efficient one among the 4 of us. Brother 2 doesnt sleep. He's a night owl and in some way, I take after him because brother 1 is like sister. He wakes up early and sleeps early. And its nice to see others awake and reading in the dead of the night because it fuels you, you know. Just keep on going...

And when i need help with my thesis, i have so many people to approach. Sister can explain the gynae stuff while brother 2 can explain the cardio stuff (ok la. Maybe im stereotyping my own siblings cos theyre both good at everything) and brother 1 is super experienced with the whole writing thing. I mean he's written a thesis, and published a paper is some journal for his masters..and he's writing another one now...

I love my mugger-ish family.

They really are my inspiration. If they can juggle work and study, why cant I handle study?

Alhamdulillah, my parents instilled in us a sense of passion for knowledge.

END POST~11.49am

First and foremost, thank you so much to everyone for the messages I received today. I am completely overwhelmed and feel so blessed to have people giving me such support and encouragement. And for remembering today, even though I wasnt in the mood for celebrations at all. I've never had so many people wish me before and though it may seem to be nothing much on your part, it really meant a great deal to me, especially at this time in my life.

Thank you so much for reminding me that even in the darkest hour, I am really not alone.

Thank you for making me smile again. For making feel loved.

I started off today tearing at the littlest things and feeling woeful. But now...Im tearing because Im so happy..I am truly blessed! Alhamdulillah :)

It all started at midnight when my Najib sang me a birthday song over the webcam..and I opened the letter he sent me weeks ago (instructions read: Do not open till 25th march)..I was and still am so touched...I love you so much, baby. I felt so much better...

After nudgie went offline, I analysed data some more but I forced myself to sleep at 2am so I could get up at 6am to continue. But I found myself sleeping in till 7.30. Instead of rushing to school, I sat myself down in front of my laptop and continued from where I left off. No way was I going to meet my sup without being prepared. So I took a cab to sch and for some reason, I just couldnt stop crying...

Met the sup, and well, that's another story. Bottom line is: Farah really has a lot to accomplish by this Fri..

Went on to do some graphing before heading for lesson...and then lunch.

After lunch, everything went uphill again. For some reason, seeing Pema made me happy. Seeing her always makes me happy. Im not quite sure why. My appetite which had been absent for days returned! And :), she volunteered to be my servant for the day by zapping a whole load of materials from the lib.

Meanwhile, the sms-es came flooding in. My mom, my dad, and so many more and more and more and more. And when I bump into people, they know! Close friends, aquintances, old friends, new friends...How come? Then I realise....its cos of facebook!! Haha :)

Headed home with yx after the stop at the lib. My mom gave me a hug/kiss as soon as I stepped in. I love my family. Everyone was happy and that made me happy. I'm so blessed. Then my dad started a little doa and there was a lump in my throat...I love my life so much...

Then farhana came over and brought me a cake :) Had a nice chat with her and she was super encouraging :)

And now im online w my nudgie :) I'm going to talk to him because I havent had the time to the whole day today...

And then its back to work for me...

Insha-Allah, I will get things done by the dateline.

END POST~10.55pm

I think I know why people have suicidal ideation.

Its because of people like him who makes people just wanna give up on everything and die. .

Jump off a roof. Jump in front of a train. Sleep and never wake up. Roll over a window sill.
Because you certainly know how to make people feel worthless and small dont you? Making people end it because theyre never good enough.

That they feel so trapped. That they have nowhere to go.

Im beginning to think he truly is the devil's spawn.

Because no other person in the world has ever made me feel so miserable with just a few words.

I have to keep telling myself that I'll look back on in life and roll my eyes.

But for now...there's so much uncertainty ahead you know? That its all out there. That if I dont cease every opportunity....

Oh God, I need divine intervention. Please grant me strength to go on. Please shut off all these horrible emotions. I dont want to live my days like this.
And it breaks my heart that my family has to see me like this. Because they feel my pain and I dont want them to feel it anymore.

I honestly dont care how I do anymore. I just want to finish it the best that I can without him bugging me like that. Making me feel worthless.

Please help me take things in stride. Help me see that theres more to life than this. Because there is. Please take me out of this tunnel-vision.

I cant take this anymore.

END POST~6.23pm

DIE STUPID MAN DIE!

The last thing I need from my anal sup is his anal prima donna behaviour la. I'm so bloody tempted into submitting my thesis without him even reading it la. I mean he's freaking cramping my style. All he's adding now is stress.

SCREW you for the 'supportive' email you donkey shit. My entire academic career hinges on this and you dare throw your tantrum?

Can you believe he insist on not checking his email over the weekend?

Even though his students need him?

END POST~11.28am

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

-Theme from Mahogany.

END POST~2.57pm

As soon as I clicked "publish post" I started crying.

It sucks that I feel alone. True, everyone else is going through the same thing yet I feel so alone in this. That even though people give me statements of support and stuff..I still feel alone.

And he's trying to make me feel better from where he is..but I cant help wishing he was here. Right now. And that's making me cry even more.

I'm feeling downright miserable and I hope blogging helps. In some weird, unverified way.

I need a hug.

END POST~11.56am