New direction

Hello,

I'm sneaking in this post while at work. I am supposed to be packing/filing/archiving. It will be exactly 2 years and 5 months here before I officially leave the organisation. I must say, I was feeling sad and overwhelmed by positive memories as I typed my resignation letter. But after a flurry of events between finishing the last sentence of that and finally submitting the letter, I feel rather energised that I'm moving on.

To school!

I got accepted into the clinical programme of my choice :) Alhamdulillah! And I start in Feb. In fact, it is exactly one month to the day I fly off and embark on a new adventure. Excited? Yes. Terrified? Definitely. I just pray my brain juice hasn't dried up. And I'm trying to psych myself up to the fact that free time will inevitably translate to study time, and anything other would likely stir feelings of guilt. Yikes.

So, I guess, I'll be blogging a lot more from now. Hopefully, not as much as I did while at nus..or at least not so fixated about passing/failing/scoring.

I just want to learn. And enjoy the process!

Bismillah!

Sabah July 2011

Is where the heart is.

I've just gotten back from what has been one of the best vacations I've had ever. My family and I went to Mabul-Sipadan (Sabah) for 4 days. Though it was a short stay, the time we spent there was bliss. We stayed at Seahorse Sipadan Scuba Lodge where the service was top-notch. Lisa and company made us feel like family. They even surprised us on our last night to celebrate my father's birthday and our passing the PADI open water course :) Was truly a home away from home holiday. Oh, we were the first visitors!

I strongly recommend the place. It's kinda like a homestay. Not a resort resort if that's what you're into. Simple, relaxing and just perfect. Full meals, transfers and heh, even entertainment cos at one point or another, someone would strum their guitar and sing. Have I mentioned how beautiful and clear the waters are?

If you're into diving/snorkelling and you're game to live like one of the locals (ok, maybe not exactly since the lodge has excellent sanitation and beds :) ), then gooooo! There are turtles and a whole host of aquamarine life to observe. I saw turtles!

That said, I'm pleased to announce that I am an officially certified diver! :)

Milestones

Najib and I are currently crossing a milestone in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, we seem to have secured ourselves a home :) Our application for a 5-room home is, I would say, successful as our queue number is within the quota of flats available. To think that the development was in such demand with approx 8 applicants to one unit.

Now, everytime I find myself driving past the field that rests in between his place and mine, I smile. We've really been eyeing this spot for a while now. I remember last year, we walked past the field and he showed me how he used to park his car and just gaze at the sky there. And I remember saying to him that Insha-Allah, if they ever build a flat there, this special place will continue to be special...and I remember feeling how right it was. Alhamdulillah.

The past couple of days, my mind has been filled with excitement mixed with anxiety. There's so much to do! This really is what growing up is about. Considering our finances and priorities...

But exciting nevertheless :)

Updates

1. My nenek passed away on 5 March 2011, at around 8.40pm. Her passing was just as she had imagined it to be, Alhamdulillah. She was surrounded by her loved ones who were praying/selawat. She was sharp (and funny) till the last breath. I'm glad I was by her side and I do miss her so very much. I cant even type this without tears in my eyes. I think this is as far as I'll go (or can bring myself to go) for now. I shall dedicate another post entirely on her (and Baba) at some point. Just in case memory fails me.

2. Najib. Noticed that the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the past year or so and in a good way :) More exciting times ahead for us both, Insha-Allah.

3. I'm contemplating of going back to school. I've been thinking about it for some time now, but never had the energy to fill in all the application. Clinical psychology - something I've been afraid to pursue, shielding myself behind the fear that I'm not good enough or dont have the personality suited for the field. Then a conversation with a colleague transpired and I found myself asking, why not? After all, if I take the 2 years as a learning process, and not expect myself to thrive only on results, then why not? Isnt that what life is about? To learn and grow? I've narrawed down a couple of Aust unis. Hoping I'll get admission into western aust so at least I wont be so far away from home. Psychologically, proximity, or illusion of it, is assuring. Now if I can only get my personal statement, references, and so on in order.

4. I experienced my first ever vote last Saturday, 7 May. Interesting. I love how un-apathetic we have become. And the elections only heralds great things to come in our country's political landscape. I've had a fair share of thoughts on this. But I'm afraid, if I start, a thesis might come off of this and again, I've got no energy for this. I know I have a parallel blog for this purpose but I cant remember the blog name. Funny!

5. I've hesitated mentioning my job in this post so far. I suppose one of the difficult things about blogging after being absent from it is how to decide where to start. You may have noticed I've mentioned 'no/lack energy' at least twice above. It's true. I find myself without volition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in my life and ever grateful on what Allah has bestowed upon me. I don't know where my resentment towards my job started. I suppose the work is alright, but something in the organisation culture has changed. I would say it's the new CEO but I think it might be closer to home- my team has changed drastically. Generally for the good as finally, I have people my age whom I can have a sensible conversation with, or whom we can laugh around and forget that we're colleagues and not school mates. But things have changed in my view of my boss and I think that hits me the hardest. There may be impetus for her recent behaviour which I find to fluctuate between being distant and cold, to simply snappy beneath the veneer of agreaableness. I'm trying my best to be as objective and cool about this. And I will continue to try. There is a hierarchy. Perhaps it's only now that I'm feeling what I should have been feeling 17 months ago. Now all I need is role clarity.

And strength to continue doing the best that I can in all that I do.

When you're looking out for policy updates regarding housing, that's when you know, you're growing up.

Why, hello

I've been well, thank you. I've just settled into my new temporary office on the fifth floor. Shifting process was terrible as I had to pack intermittenly when I'd much rather just do it all at one go. But it's done. Actually, I never finished packing. When the movers came, I simply chucked all the clutter from my table into a box and got em to wheel it up. No point sealing since I'll be using them immediately anyways.

So the office I'm at is way better than the others got. Thank God I'm not squatting in confined spaces, having to worry that someone's looking over my shoulder and at my computer screen. We're at the new office for another dept. So when our office is done, they move in. I love my cosy cube. I'm tucked away in a corner (where no one can see me) against the window :) The sun rays pore through in the morning so what a brilliant way to start the day. And, my boss seats diagonal from me, so when I need to check in with her, I just need to stretch my neck out and talk. Well, some people might hate that but I'm ok with seating near her, though sometimes, I do get asked to do things...but not as if I wont get asked if I had been sitting further.

It's the fasting month now. Not sure if this is the reason behind my lethargy. I doubt it because fasting has never been cumbersome for me. I think it's a lack of exercise. I really do think a long hiatus from physical activity would make people feel sluggish. So I went for my cardio-mix during lunch yesterday. Boy, was that a challenge. But I do feel slightly better today. I like feeling my muscles tighten and sore. It's like woo-hoo, I'm alive.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned I signed up for the stand chart marathon? 10 k on 5 Dec. I havent exactly trained. I think I should start running soon. Hopefully I'll have enough time to do so cos I'm probably going to be away from mid-Nov. Going to Washington for a conference and praying my leave is approved so I can go to NY thereafter. I have never been to the US, and the only image I have of the counrty is what I see on tv. Heh. Time to experience the real thing, eh? Like how I heard that people there are fatter than on tv. (yay! i can feel skinny for once).

Well, anyway, it's 9.48am and I really should be doing work. Blogging is my outlet for procrastinating. I have stuff to do but I dont want to do it but it must be done.

Oh bother. But that's why I put on eye-shadow today. Sometimes, it's the little things that get you to work...like a new perfume or a new pen. Yep, a new pen. Today's eye shadow cos it's glittery. Is it working? Nope. Not at all. Maybe I should get a pen. Or a new screensaver/wallpaper.

Hmm. Ok I'm off! Bye :)

Men

The 2 guys in my team are leaving so that means our department is left with 4 people and a massive reallocation of work. Exciting times ahead! For one, I'm overseeing one of our major campaigns.

My dad came back on 25 June and spent just over 2 weeks in Singapore. He bought me a belated birthday present that I deeply cherish and shall wear on my wrist every day if I can.

Najib came back around the same period too. A surprise as I was expecting him to be back only at year's end. He came bearing gifts :)

Then they both left the same day.

Roadtrip

The five of us took a drive up to Desaru over the weekend. Havent had a family vacation in quite a while. The last time we went there, was 20 years ago. 20. Wow. I feel old. Hur hur.

Anyway, I love quick getaways. So lucky msia has wonderful islands and yummy cheap food.

:) bliss

A little faith

LA HAWLA WA LA QUWWATA ILLA BILLAH
The meaning of this expression is: " There is no power and no strength save in Allah." This expression is read by a Muslim when he is struck by a calamity, or is taken over by a situation beyond his control. A Muslim puts his trust in the hands of Allah, and submits himself to Allah.

Taken from http://www.islamicweb.com/begin/key_term.htm#LAHAWLA

They paved paradise to put up a parking lot

That's sg for you.

I'm so going to the railway station to eat mee siam before the gov takes over and opens it up to eager hands to build a mall. Or another condo.

After effects

~ of Glee: Bursting at my human seams (skin) to break out in song

~ of Gossip Girl: Want to be rich, limo-ed around and own a walk-in wardrobe

~ of Supernatural: Hunt demons. Salt circles anyone?

My weekend staple :)

So for the past 6-7 months, I was blinded by foolish admiration.

Was. Because a little incident happened and the human element has shattered things. Slowly, I see aspects I found awe-inspring ebbing and replaced by doubts, disbelieve and disdain.

Funny how easy the pedestal comes crumbling down the minute you find something to dislike.

Nonetheless, to err is human.

Lesson reinforced: Nobody's perfect. So see the flaws in others as part and parcel of their being. Appreciate them people, both good and bad.

Rainy Monday

I shall start the day week with an incredibly BIG SMILE

:D

Echo

I have a strong need for sense of belonging and acceptance. Most people do, actually. This doesn’t mean I lack self-confidence or self-esteem. I think I have plenty of those. But I crave for human interaction and enjoy being involved, having my opinions heard and so on. It gives sense to existence. Otherwise, what is the point of my sentience?

So this week, and I suppose in days preceding, my heart and mind weaved in and out of loneliness, on 2 levels (i) being butt out of discussions (ii) lacking interaction with those on the same wavelength.

With regard to (i), well, that disappointment can be surmounted by reason. Those discussions are, technically, none of my business (i.e. KPI). It was nice that I was able to provide input the last time and damn, I felt I gave compelling and rich input but it’s time to bow out and focus on my own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I love to do work beyond my JD but if certain persons feel I am no longer needed, then well, too bad (for them). No hard feelings. I have more time to myself.

Cue point (ii). Now, this one’s tough. I find it absolutely frustrating. What is maddening is my inability to articulate why without coming off as, well, a snob. Snotty. Pompous. Arrogant.
So as a qualifier, might I say that yes, having a worthy adversary (intellectually) would be wonderful, as, well, my brain would be jolted to be more critical and so forth and team discussions would be multi-dimensional/ more flavourful . But that’s not what I’m looking at per se. How about outside of meetings? I yearn for persons with similar wavelength with whom I can have easy conversations with and at the same time can switch it up. The past couple of months, it’s been flat. Like the calm ocean flat. Nice breezy calm waters flat. No peaks no troughs. Flat. Splat.

And I have moments of boredom, quite honestly. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself looking elsewhere. People on other teams. Even the interns. I think it’s time to venture out. Never know what gems I could find.

Hello people with sama sama wavelength, come out come out wherever you are! Far wants to play.

One year ago, I was struggling to complete my thesis. Goodness, that was a whole year ago. I One year on, Im facing a different sort of struggle. A struggle of identity. Who am I, really? What do I like? What don't I? It's THE transition, they say, which, if anything, leaves me feeling unnerved. Transition to what? What if I dont pick up the signs I'm supposed to act on? What if I'm not taking the right approach and changing such that I'll be set in my ways and too late to change thereafter? If this is the transition, shouldnt I be more worried about making the right choices? About analysing how everything would impact me before I become one of those rigid adults I fear myself to be?

I'm too harsh on myself, some say. I guess I am. But Im not one to take life as it comes. I need to be in control. I want to be in control of my own development. Which is why I've felt overwhelmed and at a lost at times since...

What drives me? What keeps Farah going? The 12th of every month, for sure. The evenings and weekends where I meet up with people, people from my past...who are a reassuring presence..comfortable...I can say or do anything stupid and they wont evaluate me because they know I'm just me.

It's true what they say. As you grow older, you make fewer friends. Instead, you cling on to the ones you've had history with because they remind you of who you were...who you still are, deep down.

Anyway, I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not as sharp as I used to be. My mind cant recall as well as it used to. Once upon a time, I could say I almost had a photographic memory. I remembered details, insignificant ones as well. Now? I was at the library yesterday trying to recall the author of a book I just read a couple of weeks back. Blank. Worse, I cant remember the title of the book. Fear gripped me. What is happening to me?

My body. My mind. My soul.

One of the things I love about Ramadan is the evenings/nights. Somehow, the nights in Ramadan seem more peaceful then nights in other months. Perhaps this serenity stems from the contentment of having successfully endured a whole day's fast. But Im pretty sure this bliss Im feeling is something else. A spiritual thing? Hmm. Either way, I feel cleaner-inside-out. I feel at peace with myself. It's only been day 1 but one thing's for sure: Im gonna start cherishing this blessed month.

It's a dreary looking day outside. The sky's overcast, the pouring rain has now thinned to a drizzle but still, I am contented.

Rain or shine, weekends are simply the best. If it rains, i stay home and watch dvds, tv or surf the net in bed. If it shines, I might head out shopping/movie/meet up w friends ard my neighbourhood (because i refuse to take public transport on weekends after all that travelling on weekdays)

Ahhhhhhh.....

I can finally breathe again now that my blocked nose -and work- has cleared up a little. Anyway, the new zealand trip ive been planning to take with my sis might not happen since we might be visiting our daddy instead! I kinda miss him. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like months have gone by.

And sigh, let this be a precaution to all: think very carefully if you want to get a pda phone. The thing jams a lot so expect to send it for servicing on a regular basis.

Oh! Yesterday my my sis, farhana and i went to watch the fireworks festival. First time on the floating platform..and no, it doesnt feel like its floating sadly. The fireworks were brilliant but it lasted only for a while. I was expecting displays from a few countries at one go but only the french presented their yesterday. Pretty. I love fireworks :) After that, a local band played and everyone started leaving. So poor thing. They were really good! So we stayed on to watch them play. The last perfomance was this magician. Ok la. Then the journey home. Goodness. Jam-pack la. Worth it? I dont know. Maybe public transport is a good idea when heading out to town on weekends.

Bite my tongue la.

I talk so much now I have SO MUCH WORK to do. Well, there's not so much work but whatever I have, I have to complete asap since I'm leaving to jakarta for 3 days. Bah. I have to stay up tonight to finish a report. Please God, help me do a good one.

Yeah, so I'll be going to jkt for work and I guess I'm quite excited (except for the whole clearing up outstanding stuff before leaving). I've never flown sq before so yay! And I received word today that I'll be staying at the marriott and and and I'll have my own room with a king size bed! ROLL!

Aside: Dad's safely landed, Alhamdulillah. I'm starting to miss him.

Alright, back to work!

I've changed my outlook on two things. Firstly, my wide-eyed patriotism and belief in the system has waned tremendously. Dont get me wrong, I still think that Im blessed to be living here. Alhamdulillah. And I must never forget that. Provision for the basic needs for human survival and peaceful co-existence with others of differing faiths, etc is imperative and so Im glad that we have it here. But beyond that? I dont know. All I know is that Im not that naive anymore. And that's that.

Secondly, I've definitely mellowed down. I used to be very competitive and ambitious in getting to the top. But having witnessed (being at the receiving end of) office politics, I think it's not worth it. Why cant people just work together and be nice to one another? And im not even working in a profit making org. ?!. I think back stabbing and putting on pretenses in front of the bosses to project a favorable image is shallow and pathetic. Let it be that if I were to ever get promoted, I get there through the quality of my work and by respecting those around me. Maybe meeting her is a blessing in disguise. Because she is indeed a negative example and I pray I never end up like her.

Enough sombre-ness. Super long wheeeeeeeeeeeeeenkend~ I claimed my half day leave yest and im on leave on mon :D And I no longer need physio cos Im kinda 'cured'.

Happy Weekend everyone! :)

The monday blues didnt hit me as bad today as it did last week. Sat and Sun didnt fly by so quickly this time round so I was able to savor every bit of it and oh, how splendid it was :)

After 2 months of recuperating from the backache, I finally ran on sat. It was a lovely evening and I managed to catch the sun set. Beautiful. The lush greenary against an orange-blue sky. Ahhhh... I tell you, I'm so blessed to be living here. My estate is probably one of the best estates in spore. As I was running, I bumped into the usual joggers. The amazing ah pek who's stamina is like woah. He runs back and forth countless times. The auntie who alternates between walks, jogs and cycle, depending on her mood, i suppose. The girl who jogs while daintily clutching her handkerchief with both hands. But I guess I missed the others since I arrived at the park connector slightly before 7 instead of the usual 6pm.

After the jog, I met up with my ex-fri-lunch girls :) We were chatting and eating and having fun that time simply went by too quickly!

Sunday. Family day. I decided that sunday would be bontot-my-parents day (tag along with parents). I havent gone out with them..just three of us..in what seems like a long time. We explored pasir ris together as they havent been to the new mall at downtown east, and we discovered tonnes of halal places to eat at. And my my, what a feast we had. We started with sushi, then satay, roti john, mee rebus, ice cream and cake. On me :) There's nothing sweeter than surprising parents by footing the bill. They've given me so much. I owe them everything.

Sigh. My daddy's leaving next monday and hopefully I can get the day off. The last time he went away to work for a few years in the mid east was when I was ard 2-4. In fact, my first memory ever can be traced back to that time. I remember following my mom to the post office where she made trunk calls in a private booth within the post office. I remember waiting for his letters and I remember my mom/sis reading his letters to me. In one of them, he said that he wanted me to write and if I could, he'd give me 5 bucks. And so I did :) I dont know what I scribbled but I remember attaching a drawing as well. I was trying to draw my family and I can still clearly recall how frustrated I was that the people ended up looking like weird monsters with super long limbs. I still keep the letters from yesteryears :) And that drawing is probably still in my 'memory' box.

This time will be different. Emails, phone calls and even webcam :)

Anyhoos, I cannot wait for my pay. Gosh, how many times have I mentioned that in my posts? I already have a mental list of things I wanna get once the dough comes in.

Money money money.......MONEY! I want.