You do not exist

I feel so miserable. I dislike rainy days. The weather just gets to me. I felt absolutely terrible after class today. You know, the kind of despair you cant exactly put your finger on? The kind you just wanna sit in a corner all alone and cry your eyes out and you dont even know why? Of course you wouldnt know. Youre not me. I highly doubt it was social psych alone. It could very well be PMS. Which is why im probably grumpy/depressed/down in the dumps/color me blue now.

So, you do not exist. You do not exist. You do not exist. You do not exist. You do not exist. You do not exist.

At all.

I was only dreaming.

And ive woken up.

You are nothing to me.

Does it hurt?

It does? Really? Good.

It should. Cos i sure as hell feel like that and im blaming it on YOU.

Well, thats what irrational farah would think and do.

But i asked for it didnt i? I asked for it. To tell you the truth, im beginning to think that it was the most brilliant idea. At least now, my hate for you is fueling my determination. I hate you.

I hate you for listening to me.

See you in a month's time then.

Whatever.

This is my blog. This is how i feel at this moment in time. Regrets? I probably will have some. In fact, i"ll probably regret the moment i click "publish post"...but you know what? At least this makes me feel good for a moment. Even if its for a moment. So excuse me while i gratify myself. Gratify? is that even a word?
Heh, you might not even read this. Maybe by then, i"ll feel all normal again...and all happy and then i might delete this hurtful post.

But for now, let me wallow alone.

Alone.

It aint good enough

It isnt. I just saw my results for social psych. I passed, but i am not happy. It was an easy peasy paper. Dammit. I should be grateful...so why do i feel so angry? I feel really really angry. I could punch anyone now. Dont you flash your results at me. I wont even ask you. Dont ask me. Oh no, im becoming one of THOSE. Those ppl. Shame on me. Shame shame shame on me.

bla bla bla bla...many disjointed thoughts

Well, gee, FINALLY i can blog!

Its so frustrating not being able to vent my thoughts/feelings and whatever!! Im addicted to blogging! I mean i have like a trillion little things to write about!!1 So many. I mean where do i get my inspiration from? honestly? Everywhere....when im on the bus, on the train, walking home..when im SUPPOSED to be studying...in the toilet...EVRYWHERE

Eugene is sitting in front of me now, telling me to curl the bottom part of my hair. Like HUH?

Gargh...so many thoughts...where do i begin....to tell the story of la la la la laalaaaa.....

deviating i am. Speaking of deviation...I spent the whole time in Stats tutorial yesterday feeling dumb. And so, feeling horrible and suddenly inspired to study stats, i studied stats. Duh.
Was happily bobbing my head to my Muvo....so pleased with my Muvo...so many diff genre of music in my little Muvo. Classics, soundtracks, Blue (im not really a boybandfan but i mean, blue's not bad..at least they dont sing soppy sappy songs all the time..nice bouncy tunes), french songs, and soundtracks...ive got forrest gump, dragonheart, legends of the fall...bla bla bla....so many....so anyway, was learning about Regression....and how knowing the regression equation would allow you to determine/predict one variable from the other...and that the regression line is actually pretty easy....its the straight line formula :Y=bX + a, where b is given by Cov of XY divided by variance of X. Oh and that if we were to subtract 10 from every X value, correlation bet the two variables remain THE SAME!!! My my my!
SO, then, i needed to go to the toilet so i switched my Muvo off and tucked him safely away in my bag, away from prying eyes and itchy fingers. Felt a little worried...i mean are NUS students trustworthy??? Ah well....i left anyway...bladder couldnt take the caffein. So anyway, when i went back, GASP GASP GASPPPPPPP my little Muvo didnt wanna wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thank god, its still under warranty!!!!!! im in the midst of calling the creative support team..gargh...I DONT WANNA SPEAK TO A MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!

Social psych results are on the board...shall take a peek later. I sooo want an A for this module. Insya-allah...

Had french just now. my tutor says that my french is okay...but that once i screw up somewhere, my temper gets in the way and then i babble rubbish. okay, he didnt say that explicitly la. Speaking of french i PASSED...but then Ching yong just went "so what...must consider how the rest did" True. very true.

Pink! Saw a couple of guys in pink over the last few days. Man, some dudes can carry off pink. Others cant for nuts. So if youre a guy and you wanna wear pink, please, for god's sake, look in the mirror. Youve got to be either gay and proud of it...or damn hot.

And speaking of hot. I think im attracted to the big ones......THE BIG BRAINS!!!! man, during stats class...that superly duperly smart guy was like answering all the questions la! make the rest of us feel stupid...and when he's not answering, he has this deep brooding intellectual look.........ahhh.........OOOHHHHh and he did this REALLY cool thing in classs yest!!! he was like arguing with the tutor...and suddenly in the middle of his sentence, he sooo coooooly took out his handphone and went "but the question....hello, im in class now...." (silence). Whoa. i wish i could do that. Swoooon. Maybe im progresssing....im no longer gg for hot guys? but hot brains?? NAH. I need eye candy.

Blank. Oh yes, for a moment there i couldnt type!

So, yesterday morning, in the weeee-est hours, my sister left for Greece. What is love? I mean really? Its dragging your sleep deprived body to the airport even though your sister says "its okay". thats love.

And so, i have the room to myself till the 16th of April.

What else should i type? Eugene just asked me to check my results now so i can blog it in later.
Shaun Goh just burped. Thanks dude. SIGH.

Im vomitting blog entries.....hmmm....okay, i"ll post this now. then i"ll come back if i have things to add! I think ive deprived Linyen of her lappy for too long.

Arts club blasting music now......advertising their camp. Crazy crazy crazy for ya baby..im losing my mind....

Damn arts club for playing sappy songs on a rainy day. "remember me this way" WHAT THE HELL???? STOP IT LAH.

I keep on falling.............in and out....of SLEEP

GARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....this is my second time typing this post cos i dunno why, the first time it didnt turn out right!

Anyway, i JUST WOKE UP. Can you believe it? Ive turned into a slob. I mean I slept at 12.30 am last night cos, no, i wasnt studying, I WAS ON THE PHONE!!!! i was on the phone the whole day FOUR different people!!!!!! Even my dad was flabbergasted that he went "Wah, farah, marathon ah?" Yunxian, tsk tsk tsk. Why didnt you slam the phone on me and tell me to study?
-_-

Then i woke up this morn at like 10am...bummed ard the whole day and when i finally gathered myself to do some soci readings, i fell asleep at 1pm!!! Argh. I just zonked out to LA LA LAND!!!!!!!!! I didnt even know i fell asleep until i woke up!

And im supposed to go out for dinner later with cheryl and melinda...

So guilty. Another day and nothing's been done.

Im so gonna make sure i study later tonight!!!

Today's the last day of my sister's exams. Her finals. THE finals. By now, she's probably done.I mean 5 years of med school...over in flash...and in a few days time, she's on her way to GREECE for a vacation while i rot here TRYING to mug. Ah well, she deserves it. She's worked so so hard and so consistently. I can only dream of being like her!!

My other bro's leaving for taiwan for a month cos of work...so the house will be pretty quiet...I should have no excuse NOT being able to concentrate. The only distraction is my other brother who loves to annoy me. Ah well.

Ok ok, i shall try to cram something in my head before i leave. Must try.

Hello, my name is Farah....and Im 20

[yes, its a stupid title, yunxian. -_-]

Its a new beginning! A new phase of life.

Had a fantastic birthday yesterday! I think, this is one of my best birthday's ever!!!!!
[At this juncture, my mom just rang me up to tell me that my dad is up on stage at Century Square as I type...ACTING as Romeo. What the?! Man, I have totally cool parents!]

Yeah, i spent the entire day slacking. Went out with my mom SHOPPING! Retail therapy! She bought me this funky pair of shoes, jeans, another pants and a nice pink top! Hahahahahha......Finally, i have a new set of clothes!

Then at night we celebrated with the cake, prayer, and photos. Heh, i dont know how to upload photos on my blog though. Ah well.

Wheeeeee~ i feel so so loved. Friends from past and present sorta remembered! Hahahhahahah.

Im plugged in to my Muvo now....[bobs head up and down]

Alright, Im farah and Im 20. But im also Farah who might possibly screw up her CAP CAP CAP if she doesnt stop declaring holidays for herself!!

GET A MOVE ON ALREADY!!! [cant believe im typing to myself]
Eh, readers of my blog, can you please kick my ass if you see me slacking or smt. Dont talk to me! Just show me your hand and say "CAP FARAH YOUR CAP"

Happy 20th Birthday to ME!!!!

My last day being a teenager.

Alas, i cannot escape the inevitable:aging.

It is my last post as a 19 year old. What have i to say to myself? I'd actually come up with an entry for today but i cant seem to remember it though! Haha, signs of aging.

I suppose i"ll just type anything that comes into this young head of mine! Hhahah...

OH YES!!!!! i LOVE MY BROTHER!!! woohoooo! Farah's got an MP3 player!! Yeah, he called me up when i was in school earlier today and he asked me what i wanted and i told him...and he asked me 'what's the specification" and i went "anything"...

And now, im a proud owner of a Creative mp3 player that can store like (GASP) 1 GB!!!!
Features:
Skip free MP3/wma player
directly record music frm any audio source with line-in
tune in and record FM radio
voice record with in built mike
fast music transfer with USB 2.0
Simple drag and drop music and data files,no software needed
store data files such as photos and presentations
reversible LCD for left or right handed operation
weight:22.7g w/o batt
up to 15hrs batt life
size: 3.35x6.65x1.3cm
signal to noise ration: up to 90dB
frequency response: 20Hz to 20kHz
Harmonic response: <0.1%


I have absolutely no idea what that all stands for! Heh, im just glad i have an MP3 player FINALY!!! No more boring radio. No more silent journeyon the MRT when underground. WHeee~

I feel so guilty my bro forked out like a whooping amt of money on me....but he said "if i dont spend it, what will i use the money for"...

Still.

Whee~ i love my life. Im so so so so so SO blessed to be born into this family of mine. So blessed. I dont think i want anything from them anymore...except their love and support.

In fact, ive just remembered what i wanted to type in as my entry. I wanted to make a huge shout out to all my friends. I mean i must really thank each and everyone of you who played a part in my life, big or small, consciously or not, cos without you, i wouldnt be where i am today. You all know who you are.

Thank you for being in my life. Yes, YOU.The one reading this right now.

PS: to all those who expected me to put up my bdae wish list again, im sorry, im not gonna...
All i want and need from you is your prayers, thought and friendship. Your very presence in my life is your gift to me. And im so so blessed if im in your thoughts alone. Thats all i ask. :)

headache

okay, maybe club beats isnt my thing. Or maybe i turned the volume to high up. In any case, realised that club beats is not techno, which is good, very good..its growing on me.

Im home now. Damn. Couldnt focus in school. Dunno why. Wasted the entire afternoon. heh, and there were two cute guys in the lib, sitting at the table gen and me were at. Ahahahaha....Twins some more! yes, genevieve, you blushed big time! So embarrassing lar! You take the blue shirt one and i"ll take the white shirt one! Hahahhahaha. ;p AND!! gen just told me that one of them (my white shirt dude) is a model!! hahahahhaah. Okay, okay. stop it farah.

Came home only to realise someone in the block's renovating. bah!

Will commence mugging in a bit!

Numb

My fingers are freezing. Brrrr. On the 6th floor of the lib. No idea why im online when I SHOULD BE MUGGING!

Know why? Cos im falling asleep. Dammit. Argh. Must keep awake.

French test tmr. Got back stats test. Failed. yes, FAILED. But i still got a double digit so im overjoyed. Still, I FAILED. Hence i ought to feel crushed. Or am i numb to failure? NOT! Im gonna bloody mug la! I WILL NOT FAIL AGAIN.

Wah, fingers really numb....
Listening to symphony 92.4 now cos i cant stand mainstream channels anymore. All they keep playing are bloody love songs love songs love songs. "oh you complete me" "how can i live without you" "come back to me" "i want you" BLA BLA BLA. I mean come off it!
BARGH. So annoying.

And eugene, i think ive converted to a WKRZ fan too. Gimme club beats anytime.

Music wise, i think ive gone bipolar: Club beats and classicals?

hahahha. Whatever helps keep my mind from wondering.

THINK OF CAP. THINK OF CAP. THINK OF CAP.

One month from today (actually, yesterday) is MY FINALS.

Cannot afford to screw up.

Screw everything else. My grades comes first.

Made over

Phew. Just came home from the make over place. I knew there was a catch somewhere. NOTHING COMES FOR FREE. I fell for the marketing gimmick dammit. Gargh. Ah well. Im too lazy to type it all out.

Just that i thank my lucky stars i have friends who were willing to chip in to defray the cost so that effectively, the make over was a present from them!

Anyhoos, my unofficial holiday ends today.

SO BACK TO WORK FARAH!!!

mug mug mug!

PS: i hate make-up. I really really do.

EGYPT, a good hair day and a phone call

All the above made me smile. Nice weekend. Good weekend. One of the best weekends this year. I officially gave myself the weekend off...had to rejuvenate after the burn out!

Came home on friday and just konk out.

Sat: Went to the Adidas fair (which was rather disappointing...saw a top that had its price jacked up. Such injustice!)
Went to the travel fair at Suntec. Was disappointed cos my dad was willing to subsidise my trip to Australia as MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.(erhem...its drawing near heheheheh) but ended up with nothing. I was sooo sad. My mom couldnt decide where to go..she kept insisting "Anything la, up to you" and i hated that so much. Cos i didnt want the decision to be unilateral. I was fed-up. In the end my dad wanted to go Tioman!! TIOMAN!!! What the?! Degenerate from Aust to Tioman!!! Then was walking ard...and then i saw TURKEY. Oh my gosh, i wanted so so badly to go there. Ive always wanted to go there...and be at that bridge that connects Asia to Europe...Then i can proudly say that "Ive been at two continents at the same time". Plus i heard the people there are gorgeous. Plus theres the Grand Bazaar...where i can buy all the nonesense trinkets and stuff to make myself happy.

But no, we left empty handed. And so i resigned myself to the fact that i would never in my life ride on an airplane.

Then, sunday came...

Turns out, my bro wanted to go Egypt. I tried swaying him to go turkey but he insisted there's nothing there! Plus he wants to practice his Arabic. Then i looked at the brouchures about Egypt.....and then i dont know.......I was still not convinced....cos Egypt didnt have a lot of places for my mom to shop. She might not like it...plus its really hot....turkey's a cool 20 degrees...

So i went down to the travel fair once again...and this time with my bro..and we compared Egypt and Turkey...turkey was far cheaper than Egypt at all the agencies except one....and i read the itenary (how do you spell it?) and i was taken in!!! And.....before i knew it,

IM GOING TO EGYPT!!!!!!!

wohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! PLus, this will be my first plane ride in my life and im going to EGYPT!!!!

My first international stamp (unless you count bintan, which isnt fair) and IM GOING TO EGYPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM GOING EGYPT!!!! The land of the pyramids, and mummies!! Heeeeeeheeeheeeee.....

Im so excited! Now, i have a goal. Im gonna mug bloody hard to make sure i earn the trip. I will mug so so soso hard. Oh yes, i will. Watch out everyone, cos Farah's back in business!!

hehehehe.

Okay, so im having a good hair day too! Was gonna cut my hair and color it over the weekend but sheesh, that time of the month HAD to come. So i couldnt. Anyway, my hair's behaving itself for now....and yeah, today's my photo makeover rubbish thingy.

BUT, i look like a panda. Residual dark rings and eye baggies still left from last week's sleep deprivation.....I suppose this is where we see the wonders of concealers!

And then there was that phone call. :) It lasted till 2.30am this morn. Hence the dark circles. But it was worth it. And fun. And nice. Heheheheheheh. [giggle giggle]

C'est tout! (Mais.....Pour maintenant)

My day has finally ended. How i had been anticipating this week to end. And now thats its here, you cannot imagine the overwhelming relief i feel right now. And what a day it was.

When i got home this morning, i thought i'd just konk (its a word i invented. /konk/: verb, used to describe the instantaneous moment one falls asleep. I konked out on my bed when i got home last night.) but no, i didnt.

Instead, i had to go through what i would describe as the "WHY ME ESPECIALLY NOW" kinda situation. There i was, heading to my room, when i remembered to pack my bag in case i'd have no time to when i wake up. So i recalled having to bring this bunch of receipts from the SWAPS dialogue thingy. I needed to claim the money from the treasurer and the department. To my horror (what a cliched phrase), it was no where to be found. False memories were created and yes, i was fooled by them. "i put em all in a white envelope and left it in my file....no, on my table."

So i spent my time at 2++ am, searching for a white envelope everywhere. I even rummaged through my dustbin "luckily my sis hasnt cleared the bin for weeks", i thought. But oh no, the white envelope was not there.

And so, i started panicking. Resigned that the forces of the world was against me. That i was being punished. I called cheryl up and whined. Whined to karina and nirwan online. (come to think of it, what the heck were you guys doing up so late/early?)

And then, dunno why, i became numb. I decided to take a warm shower. It was then that I told myself, "what is money anyway but a material thingy...i mean its 200 bucks plus....i suppose this would be a painful reminder to be careful nextime..and NEVER EVER DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY AGAIN. And that i suppose i should absorb the cost and reimburse those involved. It was my responsibility".

And so i left the bathroom with a sigh. Ah well. Life's experiences. Went to pray before resuming my search....then...

It wasnt a white envelope i should be looking for!! its RED! i put em in an ang pow!! And suddenly, i remembered putting it in my BAG. and ta-da! It was there!

Moral of the story: Always take responsibility for your actions. Good things will come your way. Also, mental note: do not panic too fast in future. It wont help.

anyway, glad friday's over. My bro's picking me up in a few minutes....i hope.

so many things i wanna type...so little time (lib closing at 9).

Till next time then!

TGIF! i mean really!

eaten by my eating juices

Its true! Im STILL in school at such an ungodly hour. AND, i have effectively done NOTHING for stats. BUT I DONT CARE. I am hungry, cold and sleep deprived. HUNGRY.

I dont care. I just want friday to be over and done with.

This is ridiculous. I am in school, by the time my bro get here at 1 am, i will reach home at 2am. And then i'll have to pray and shower. then sleep. then wake up in 3 hrs time at 5.30am. Shower and eat. and then drag my body back to school for a STATS TEST AT @ 8 Bloody AM!!!

GARH.

haiz. I WANNA GO HOME.

Ive FINISHED my cog paper!

Yeah, i completed it at the ungodly hour of 4.10AM this morning Pretty impressed i didnt feel tired at all. Anyway, Thank God its done and over with. Im so afraid to read the document i saved in case upon re-reading i realise its out of point. That would be oh-so painful. I'll just check thru one day before submission. ;p

Thanks Eugene and Joanna for the tips. Realised i would have been writing in circles w/o your help to begin with!

Im supposed to be having my Soci lecture now but im at home. I just got up and bleh, im too lazy. To think abt it, I'll not make it on time anyway.

Have french lect at 6pm though. So i guess i'll have to be the goondoo who drags herself to school when everyone else has finished classes.

Alright. Must mug for social psych.

Actually ar...

Haiya, I think ive seen the light. Okay, not as in Ive seen God or anything or that I had an epiphany...I just came to a mini-realisation...

I think Im a bloody over achiever. Okay, maybe. I mean all this while, I kept feeling all angsty and "oh my grades are sooooo screwed" and all cos man, i was stressed bout the little things. Fine, fine, grades arent so little in my life.....but you know, i think i gotta chill out. Smell the roses.....Enjoy the journey to a destination..bla bla bla that kinda thing.

Maybe, if i slack and relax a little, i might actually enjoy mugging? I dont know but maybe thats how Vemalan did it! He took the slack approach and did he ever fail ANYTHING? Hahahha.

Hmm....even though this is the beginning of a hellishly hectic week for me, i think i can manage. Haiya, can la. Bo pian lor. (i have absolutely no idea what i just said.)

Yes, yes, can lah. This week will come and go. Just do my best lor.

Heh, even my England in this post a bit messed up hor. All the singlish spewling (spilling) out.
Chewren.(children) hahahahhaha. Harlow, I am mimi choo. Can i helpchoo? HAhhahahahhahaha.

Why did i just type all that for? I dont even know. Just thought it was funny.

Oh man, I think ive gone bonkers.

And I feel so blessed to have people around me who care. Really. Really. Really. Gen, xiaowen, kenneth and the rest of you....thanks man.

I feel so loved! Ah, the world is wonderful!

Okay, i shall shuddup now and start on my cognitive paper. My offer still stands: I'll pay anyone to write for me my term paper. Any takers? I mean, seriously, any at all? Price is negotiable.

Feeling better....

Indeed i am...thanks for the tags an encouragement..really means a lot to me to know i have people ard me who cares. Really am genuinely touched. Knowing that youre there for me is already a lot. Thank you friends. Thanks adeline,karina,chris,gene,eugene,cheryl lee,cheryl Nott,pema..im sorry if i missed out on anyone...i really am...thanks to YOU nonetheless.

Im really sorry xiaoyan for what happened today. Really am. I feel terrible. I was selfish. I shouldnt have exploded. Justina too. Im sorry you had to see everything happen and cried along with me too. Im sorry lin yen. Thank you so much for being so resilient for us three. Thank you.

Sorry to everyone who had to bear with my grunts, sighs, whimpers and all. You guys are so much tougher than me. I take my hat off to all of you.

Got home from the open house deco. Thank you ppl for helping out. Now i need to get the roster done and then im done.

off i go then.

What a day indeed.

im a bitch. Hear me roar.

I cant believe what i did just now. I cant believe i did that. I cant believe i broke down and started sobbing at the Swaps table. The trigger was simple really. Someone was talking about the cognitive tutorial. And then i snapped. It was the accumulation of events really. For one, shaun ong was saying how he's almost done with the term paper. Then along came xiaoyan who started talking about the tutorial i havent prepared for. Then justina joined in. All that while, i was sitting down there, churning "oh my gosh, these ppl are as busy as me and THEY know wth gg on for lessons and I DONT"

And then i suddenly started sobbing violently like a pathetic shit. "I want it to end. I wanna drop out.. I hate the situation im in". Then i thought about my family and i sobbed more. Oh, how farah is gonna dissapoint them. How they think all is well in farah's world. They think that i can get that scholarship...they think...they expect.... And then i couldnt stop.

Then along came XY again, and she was about to say something and out of no where, i bacame a monster.

I screamed and her..and told her to "SHUT UP". I was frightened even of myself. I became and unstable psycho. Im not surprised. It was about time...and i guess i saw it coming this mornin. I mean who wakes up in the morning crying at 6 bloody AM?

Yeah, i just started weeping and sniffing my eyes/nose off away after my morning prayers. Haiz....i thought that was it.

But no.

I feel darn stupid now. I mean, i said pretty mean stuff to her. Im sure you know (or wouldnt want to know) how horridly caustic i can be when provoked. Ive apologised. But still. Horrible.

Im a horrible person.

I deserve what shit im in right now. I ....I.. I dont know what to say anymore.

I disgust myself.


PS: I resent the question " Are you okay?" Because Im not. I realise that...and its okay to admit it. Im not okay.

I want it to end.

No, i am not suicidal. Never will be. That's just dumb. LIfe is beautiful really. Just that i havent got the time to smell the roses.

Its 7.30pm. I am so so tired. Of what? Everything.

I shall mention it again: I WANT THIS SEM TO END.

I have even lost interest in the fact that my birthday is coming. Im not excited anymore. In fact, i dont want it to come cos that would mean my datelines are nearing. I dont wanna celebrate it anymore. I just want to be alone. I just want to get away from people you know. I just wanna be able to breathe again. I want to be able to be chirpy and carefree...wait... was i ever? MAybe ive always been like this. A worrywart.

Or maybe im just saying it cos im feeling pretty darn lousy now. DOnt worry bout me. Farah will survive. But it still doesnt mean she's having a ball right now.

So go ahead, have your life and dont bother about me. You're lucky you have one. Im just a walking/waking zombie.

Man, do i sound depressed. But dont worry im not.

I still laugh and smile.

I still eat. sometimes.

I still watch snippets of TV.

I still talk to people.

Im perfectly normal.

I just want a hug.

I need a hug... and someone to say everything will be alright and that
"farah, youre doing a great job. Its okay...dont worry".

bah, since no one will, i"ll just say it to myself :
"Farah, im proud of myself aka you(aint this confusing). Youre/Im doing a fantastic job at managing your/my school, family, cca, etc. Keep it up farah. You/I can do it. Everything will be okay"


PS: Blast everyone who thinks otherwise. Who cares what they think? If they think they can do a better job, shove it up their bottom then.

Now now, profanities will not get me anywhere. So sod off naysayers.

Ahh...feel better now. A little.

Have i mentioned how i screwed up my french oral this morn? Yeah, well, i did. Quoi je dois maintenent? je ne sais pas. C'est la vie. C'est la vie. C'est la vie.

What a day. Phew.

Well, social psych presentation is OVER for now. I am amazed how our team managed to overcome all obstacles to deliver a rather good presentation given we had only 1 day to complete! Too bad the video we made didnt work out in class....but overall, the tutor said that our presentation was good considering the constraints ie: AWOL groupmate, etc etc.

So a big THANK YOU to my team mates Genevieve, Kimberly and Charmaine. WE DID IT.

Also, Thank you gene for lending us your camera.

One down. Many many more to go. I cannot emphasise enough how i want this sem to end. Maybe asking for this year to end is a bit too much but ahhh....

Well, lets see what things farah has to do over the course of two weeks now shall we?

Thurs 10th March: French oral
Sat 12 th march: Open House
Thurs 17th March: Social psych mid term test 30%
Fri 18th March: Cognitive term paper due 20%
Fri 18th March: Stats 2 Test 2 15%
Tues 22nd March: French test
Tues 22nd March: Sociology write up due

So forgive me if i may seem highly pissable over the coming days ya? And yes, saying "I HATE SWAPS" felt really good. But its not true. It just feels good to say it la. Cathartic.Yes, thats the word.

Haiz.

Perservere, i shall.

one day, in the future, i shall look back on this and say "Pish, that was nothing!"

A series of unfortunate events

Just learnt this morning that my social psych presentation will be tmr and not two weeks from now! What am i doing blogging? BACK TO WORK!!! Argh.

In the student lounge in YIH now....managed to come out with a rough outline for tmr with gen. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feeling quesy.

Can.

Can do. And when this is over, I"ll just laugh about it.

Its only 20% right. Right. Not helping.

Allah will guide me. I feel horrible cos i kept cussing when i found out this morn. I should have been less....vulgar...and more composed...and reasoned that this is just another one of His tests. I will get thru this. Insya-allah.

Well, i"ll give it my best. I will.

~Breathe in life and breathe out ~

Altogether now....SIGH!

Continuing from where i left off yesterday. Im underperforming. I got back my cognitive paper back. Guess what? The mean was freaking 42/60!! 42!! Wth! So high lar! Whats wrong with some people? Why must they get full marks for MCQ and spoil the market the rest of us? I passed and dont get me wrong, im very grateful..at least I still fell within the standard deviation so phew.

But ive gotta watch out.

I want my life back. Wait, what was it anyway? Did i even have one?

Ah, the complexity of it all. I like Swaps but Im tired of perpetually having to meet some deadline and make sure things dont screw up. But i like the people. Nice people.

Aussi, j'ai un nouveux ami. Il est tres gentil est tres beau! Oui, je pense que, je suis tombe pour lui...un peu...Haha.... Mais, je n'ai pas de temps pour lui. Je suis tres triste. Pourqoui maintenant? Quand je suis tres occupe et j'ai trop travailler. Je voudrais lui bon connais mais.......haiz. Je ne sais pas encore. Nous avons smsed et ecrite email et ditons en msn...mais...ah whatever la

I dont even know why i burst out in french. Maybe its a good idea after all...At least i can practice it! I reckon my futur simple still sucks..need to work on it. Need to brush up on vocab. Blah. Overall, i think that paragraph sorta make sense..grammatically wrong here and there but considering it came at the top of my head, im quite pleased! Soon, i"ll be able to write an entire essay in french! ;)

D-day Part Two

Just go home. Really tired. Now they're both over.....over....over. I should be glad....relieved..satisfied...but strangely, i feel nothing. I mean i tried psyching myself into believeing that im super satisfied and all but i realised...i feel....nothing.

Could it be because i know that its far from over? That this is only the beginning? Cos i know i will never be completley free. That i will never be able to put 100 per cent into my studies ie my real work as an undergrad? That it wont even be over this semester? It will be only truly over in late August? How satisfied can i be? Heh, to think i kept saying "i cant wait for this sem to end" when by gosh, "i cant wait for THIS YEAR to end". Im so so so so tired. I just wanna focus on my studies. I am UNDERPERFORMING. That's the worst fact. I know that im underperforming and i cant do anything. I need more ME time.

Haiz.

Had french just now. Well, thats one down. And in a sad twist of events, i will have my french oral next thurs and know what? I know i"ll be busy preparing for open house.

I JUST WANNA CUT AND RUN. RUN AWAY FROM IT ALL.

But no, i cannot. Farah is not that type of person. Even though im far from perfect, i never back out of something i agree to do. Well, at least i try to the best of my ability lah. Bah. I just i just gotta suck it up and fulfill my obligation/duties to the best of my ability. Perhaps God wants me to learn something.....like time management? Haha.

Haha.

caught in the whirlwind of life

Trying to sound cheem as usual.

So anyway, got back my stats paper today. One word. Alhamdulillah. Really. Im just so thankful i passed. I will work harder.

French test tmr. Shall MUG!

Tried doing research for cognitive psych term paper. To no avail. Got lost among the books. Cant believe im on the waiting list for Fodor's book. Which i can only get my hands on after the term paper due date! How? hmm.

Realised i wasnt invited to some ex-Victorians day. Everyone got an email about it except me. Not that i can make it this sat la...but still!!! Just like how the MCS invited everyone else to the hari raya dinner thingy..except ME! Again, not like i'd even bother to attend! Sheesh.What? Did I like not exist in VJ? Oh ya, I didnt. Except for the class photo, you will not find my face anywhere else in the year book! Cos i missed the CCA photos. Ah well. Make myself seem exclusive! Hahahah. I feel better now. :P

And SEAN (aka shaun) my little malaysian friend!!!!!! thank you sooooo much dude for the e-card! Perk of the day cos i totally wasnt expecting your e-card. Little things like that quite meaningful you know! Truly touched. Here's an excerpt:

"hey dudette..heheh..wutz up la??..thought this was cute..like the guy who's sendin this 2 u..(hehehe...jk jk..)so u came across my mind la..jadi I kirim this e-card 2 u lor...so hopefully our friendship is based on the pyramid as well ya..n hope 2 be friends 4 many many more years 2 come ok..hehehe..cioaz!!!

Haiya, have i been neglecting my friends? I think I might have. All because i have been caught in the whirlwind of life.

French is on THURS...bah!