New direction

Hello,

I'm sneaking in this post while at work. I am supposed to be packing/filing/archiving. It will be exactly 2 years and 5 months here before I officially leave the organisation. I must say, I was feeling sad and overwhelmed by positive memories as I typed my resignation letter. But after a flurry of events between finishing the last sentence of that and finally submitting the letter, I feel rather energised that I'm moving on.

To school!

I got accepted into the clinical programme of my choice :) Alhamdulillah! And I start in Feb. In fact, it is exactly one month to the day I fly off and embark on a new adventure. Excited? Yes. Terrified? Definitely. I just pray my brain juice hasn't dried up. And I'm trying to psych myself up to the fact that free time will inevitably translate to study time, and anything other would likely stir feelings of guilt. Yikes.

So, I guess, I'll be blogging a lot more from now. Hopefully, not as much as I did while at nus..or at least not so fixated about passing/failing/scoring.

I just want to learn. And enjoy the process!

Bismillah!

Updates

1. My nenek passed away on 5 March 2011, at around 8.40pm. Her passing was just as she had imagined it to be, Alhamdulillah. She was surrounded by her loved ones who were praying/selawat. She was sharp (and funny) till the last breath. I'm glad I was by her side and I do miss her so very much. I cant even type this without tears in my eyes. I think this is as far as I'll go (or can bring myself to go) for now. I shall dedicate another post entirely on her (and Baba) at some point. Just in case memory fails me.

2. Najib. Noticed that the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the past year or so and in a good way :) More exciting times ahead for us both, Insha-Allah.

3. I'm contemplating of going back to school. I've been thinking about it for some time now, but never had the energy to fill in all the application. Clinical psychology - something I've been afraid to pursue, shielding myself behind the fear that I'm not good enough or dont have the personality suited for the field. Then a conversation with a colleague transpired and I found myself asking, why not? After all, if I take the 2 years as a learning process, and not expect myself to thrive only on results, then why not? Isnt that what life is about? To learn and grow? I've narrawed down a couple of Aust unis. Hoping I'll get admission into western aust so at least I wont be so far away from home. Psychologically, proximity, or illusion of it, is assuring. Now if I can only get my personal statement, references, and so on in order.

4. I experienced my first ever vote last Saturday, 7 May. Interesting. I love how un-apathetic we have become. And the elections only heralds great things to come in our country's political landscape. I've had a fair share of thoughts on this. But I'm afraid, if I start, a thesis might come off of this and again, I've got no energy for this. I know I have a parallel blog for this purpose but I cant remember the blog name. Funny!

5. I've hesitated mentioning my job in this post so far. I suppose one of the difficult things about blogging after being absent from it is how to decide where to start. You may have noticed I've mentioned 'no/lack energy' at least twice above. It's true. I find myself without volition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in my life and ever grateful on what Allah has bestowed upon me. I don't know where my resentment towards my job started. I suppose the work is alright, but something in the organisation culture has changed. I would say it's the new CEO but I think it might be closer to home- my team has changed drastically. Generally for the good as finally, I have people my age whom I can have a sensible conversation with, or whom we can laugh around and forget that we're colleagues and not school mates. But things have changed in my view of my boss and I think that hits me the hardest. There may be impetus for her recent behaviour which I find to fluctuate between being distant and cold, to simply snappy beneath the veneer of agreaableness. I'm trying my best to be as objective and cool about this. And I will continue to try. There is a hierarchy. Perhaps it's only now that I'm feeling what I should have been feeling 17 months ago. Now all I need is role clarity.

And strength to continue doing the best that I can in all that I do.

Why, hello

I've been well, thank you. I've just settled into my new temporary office on the fifth floor. Shifting process was terrible as I had to pack intermittenly when I'd much rather just do it all at one go. But it's done. Actually, I never finished packing. When the movers came, I simply chucked all the clutter from my table into a box and got em to wheel it up. No point sealing since I'll be using them immediately anyways.

So the office I'm at is way better than the others got. Thank God I'm not squatting in confined spaces, having to worry that someone's looking over my shoulder and at my computer screen. We're at the new office for another dept. So when our office is done, they move in. I love my cosy cube. I'm tucked away in a corner (where no one can see me) against the window :) The sun rays pore through in the morning so what a brilliant way to start the day. And, my boss seats diagonal from me, so when I need to check in with her, I just need to stretch my neck out and talk. Well, some people might hate that but I'm ok with seating near her, though sometimes, I do get asked to do things...but not as if I wont get asked if I had been sitting further.

It's the fasting month now. Not sure if this is the reason behind my lethargy. I doubt it because fasting has never been cumbersome for me. I think it's a lack of exercise. I really do think a long hiatus from physical activity would make people feel sluggish. So I went for my cardio-mix during lunch yesterday. Boy, was that a challenge. But I do feel slightly better today. I like feeling my muscles tighten and sore. It's like woo-hoo, I'm alive.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned I signed up for the stand chart marathon? 10 k on 5 Dec. I havent exactly trained. I think I should start running soon. Hopefully I'll have enough time to do so cos I'm probably going to be away from mid-Nov. Going to Washington for a conference and praying my leave is approved so I can go to NY thereafter. I have never been to the US, and the only image I have of the counrty is what I see on tv. Heh. Time to experience the real thing, eh? Like how I heard that people there are fatter than on tv. (yay! i can feel skinny for once).

Well, anyway, it's 9.48am and I really should be doing work. Blogging is my outlet for procrastinating. I have stuff to do but I dont want to do it but it must be done.

Oh bother. But that's why I put on eye-shadow today. Sometimes, it's the little things that get you to work...like a new perfume or a new pen. Yep, a new pen. Today's eye shadow cos it's glittery. Is it working? Nope. Not at all. Maybe I should get a pen. Or a new screensaver/wallpaper.

Hmm. Ok I'm off! Bye :)

Men

The 2 guys in my team are leaving so that means our department is left with 4 people and a massive reallocation of work. Exciting times ahead! For one, I'm overseeing one of our major campaigns.

My dad came back on 25 June and spent just over 2 weeks in Singapore. He bought me a belated birthday present that I deeply cherish and shall wear on my wrist every day if I can.

Najib came back around the same period too. A surprise as I was expecting him to be back only at year's end. He came bearing gifts :)

Then they both left the same day.

9 months

And yet, I feel like I've been here for so much longer.

I need to make a commitment to myself:

Thou shalt not job-hop. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Moss is green. Green is the color of currency (well, at least most commonly associated with currency even though locally, it's not applicable but hey, since most of us subscibe to western pop culture, why not). And the money tree ain't gonna grow as much or as fast if you keep changing jobs and remain stuck at entry level jobs. So suck it up and stay for at least 2-3 years.

Two to three years? Wow. Today's not only the 9th month working here, but it's also my 2 year anniversary- working. Period. And in 2 years, I've had 2 jobs. I wonder where I'll be in 5 years. How can anybody stay at a job for more than 2 years? Inconceivable! Then again, check my employment history.

A history that must be changed.

I shall commit! One step at a time. My short term goal? To survive longer than I did in my first job (15 months).

Humility

A spate of events over the last few days have been a needed reminder to be humble.

The anxiety, the void, the disconnect can in some parts be attributed to me wrapping myself up with thoughts of how I know a whole lot more than others. And yet, in just a few days, all that ego and self-perceived edge melted away.

Today, I am humbled. And, I am grateful. I feel pieces of myself falling back into place.

Relieved. I am me again.

Go Team!

I need bounce this off someone but since I can't think of anyone and most people are armchair psuedo psychologists/counsellors any way, help me out here:

I love my work. I enjoy what I do and I find meaning in doing what I do. Getting work done motivates me. Well, of course there are parts of work I dont like but I know it's necessary for a small fry like to me execute - the nitty gritty admin stuff to make sure things go smoothly and all, but I love the other part of it. Influencing the environment, working toward something that will have a larger impact on people and how they lead their lives. That is absolutely fulfilling.

And working across departments, divisions and even agencies is exhilarating albeit challenging because you have to negotiate between your needs and theirs, etc.

But then the other aspect of work and one I find of late, well, inconvenient, is face time with my own team. It's like they dont get it nor see the importance of my work. At least that's how I feel. And I can't be bothered to explain to them. Yes, yes, so technically it's also my fault for not explaining and getting them involved but believe me, I've tried. Nobody seemed interested.

Ah, to be blessed with a boss with high EQ. She has definitely sensed my disengagement and apparently, the bosses upstairs are throwing around and screaming how important team work is, so she's echo-ing that, among others (but thats a different story). Blast. Of all the times. When I was a super team player sharing my work and opinion, nobody cares. When I've suddenly chosen to disengage and focus on my priorites, they throw team work in.

But how can I smile and play 'Go team!' when I honestly just want to do my work?

Anyway, I sense boss is trying to find out what's wrong with me. I have avoided the issue because until I've pinned the precise cause of my disengagement, I really don't know how to respond. My spider senses tell me she's going to seek me out this week. I thank God I'm not spider man - higher probability of me being wrong about this.

I am perfectly contented to leave this be. When I said I've moved on from the emo period, I really have. I think I've just grown up at work.

Yes, I think that's it :)

Mojo-jojo

So I've finally snapped out of the slump I've been feeling at work of late.

I don't know how or why for sure, but I suspect it's because work is piling faster than I can mope (is this even a word?). Maybe I am one of those people who needs to be occupied to feel energised.

Yes, yes, I think I am.

Either way, :) long weekend!

So for the past 6-7 months, I was blinded by foolish admiration.

Was. Because a little incident happened and the human element has shattered things. Slowly, I see aspects I found awe-inspring ebbing and replaced by doubts, disbelieve and disdain.

Funny how easy the pedestal comes crumbling down the minute you find something to dislike.

Nonetheless, to err is human.

Lesson reinforced: Nobody's perfect. So see the flaws in others as part and parcel of their being. Appreciate them people, both good and bad.

Crossfire

What do you do when your boss disagrees with you and 'persuades' you to go with her option? Against your will, you do, but you feel terribly bad about it but hey, she's the boss and she's been around longer so maybe she knows if this is the best course of action. You are after all just a young fart.

And then you get a call from her boss who disagrees with this course of action and you find out that this bigger boss and you are actually on the same page.

But then, because you followed what your boss said, the bigger boss probably thinks you're the one who made that decision.

What do you do?

Let it go.

Because this happens everywhere. And if your boss is worth his/her salt, he/she would take accountability.

Learning point: Stand your ground next time.
From an optimistic point of view: At least you know a bit more about how the bigger boss thinks.

Rainy Monday

I shall start the day week with an incredibly BIG SMILE

:D

Echo

I have a strong need for sense of belonging and acceptance. Most people do, actually. This doesn’t mean I lack self-confidence or self-esteem. I think I have plenty of those. But I crave for human interaction and enjoy being involved, having my opinions heard and so on. It gives sense to existence. Otherwise, what is the point of my sentience?

So this week, and I suppose in days preceding, my heart and mind weaved in and out of loneliness, on 2 levels (i) being butt out of discussions (ii) lacking interaction with those on the same wavelength.

With regard to (i), well, that disappointment can be surmounted by reason. Those discussions are, technically, none of my business (i.e. KPI). It was nice that I was able to provide input the last time and damn, I felt I gave compelling and rich input but it’s time to bow out and focus on my own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I love to do work beyond my JD but if certain persons feel I am no longer needed, then well, too bad (for them). No hard feelings. I have more time to myself.

Cue point (ii). Now, this one’s tough. I find it absolutely frustrating. What is maddening is my inability to articulate why without coming off as, well, a snob. Snotty. Pompous. Arrogant.
So as a qualifier, might I say that yes, having a worthy adversary (intellectually) would be wonderful, as, well, my brain would be jolted to be more critical and so forth and team discussions would be multi-dimensional/ more flavourful . But that’s not what I’m looking at per se. How about outside of meetings? I yearn for persons with similar wavelength with whom I can have easy conversations with and at the same time can switch it up. The past couple of months, it’s been flat. Like the calm ocean flat. Nice breezy calm waters flat. No peaks no troughs. Flat. Splat.

And I have moments of boredom, quite honestly. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself looking elsewhere. People on other teams. Even the interns. I think it’s time to venture out. Never know what gems I could find.

Hello people with sama sama wavelength, come out come out wherever you are! Far wants to play.

Today marks the start to my second 'out of office' period.

I'm attending a course related to my work (psych,yay!) only it's held in an unlikely location. The hotel itself is alright, being brand new and all. But why oh why must it be there? Kinda inaccessible. Oh well.

The course has been interesting so far, with delegates from as far as uganda attending. I havent really gotten down to interacting with others because there arent really that many opportunities. During the breaks, my fellow coursemates were huddling over their course materials whilst cheryl and I happily had our tea and helped ourselves to the chocolate eclairs. Heh.

Aside: the course facilitator's kinda cute :) He could have passed off as a model me thinks, except that he has a slight paunch which was cleverly concealed by his blazer.

And homework. I have homework! Every assignment is scored and will count toward passing or failing. I want to pass!

So off to complete the assignments! I love being a student again :)

I cannot wait for this week to end. Oh my GOSH. I so want this presentation to be done with already. I was pretty much the last to leave work the last 2 days working on this darn thing...

Oh sigh. But at least, im doing something psych related and familiar-data analysis- so Im quite satisfied la. At least im using my brain.

Tmr, im working from home. I have this irritating paper to write by tmr and Im supposed to finish my data analyses and presentation slides by tmr so Im hoping that staying at home would cut down time wastage, i.e. travelling.

Plus, Im sick. Yup, i am down with the flu. In fact, so many people ard me have been sneezing and coughing. Oh dear, my head feels so heavy. I just wanna sleep but I have to at least complete something tonight.

Thank goodness my sup is super nice. I was supposed to send her the slides tonight and I was prepared to stay up to do it and email her by 10 plus but she sms-ed me, telling me to continue with it tmr instead.

PHEW. Im tired. I'm probably incoherent. Why? Because Im typing, watching the news, and trying to breathe.

Behold the nearly midnight rant.

I'm back. Came home on sat night and Im still tired. The trip was alright despite 2/3 of it being work. I suppose having the comfy king size bed in a luxurious hotel room all to myself made up for things. Service was fantastic too. I'll blog about that later. For now, im tired.

Plus I skipped breakfast. So that made me pretty cranky this morning. I was inches away from snapping at people just because. I felt really really low but the day picked up after lunch. I left the office late cos i had to crunch some data and im still not done running the analyses. I tell you, we were definitely not taught how to use s..p...s...s thoroughly and effectively in school. Now I have adopt the trial and error method. My eyes. The numbers. Urgh.

Met up with pema later for dinner and we conclude that: work sucks but money and the quest for life and professional experiences motivates.

And i have this urge to get myself another piercing on my ear.

Right. Just like how i wanted to dye my head black/purple back when i was in year 4.
The things I do plan to do but might not even do when im feeling stifled.

Bite my tongue la.

I talk so much now I have SO MUCH WORK to do. Well, there's not so much work but whatever I have, I have to complete asap since I'm leaving to jakarta for 3 days. Bah. I have to stay up tonight to finish a report. Please God, help me do a good one.

Yeah, so I'll be going to jkt for work and I guess I'm quite excited (except for the whole clearing up outstanding stuff before leaving). I've never flown sq before so yay! And I received word today that I'll be staying at the marriott and and and I'll have my own room with a king size bed! ROLL!

Aside: Dad's safely landed, Alhamdulillah. I'm starting to miss him.

Alright, back to work!

I've changed my outlook on two things. Firstly, my wide-eyed patriotism and belief in the system has waned tremendously. Dont get me wrong, I still think that Im blessed to be living here. Alhamdulillah. And I must never forget that. Provision for the basic needs for human survival and peaceful co-existence with others of differing faiths, etc is imperative and so Im glad that we have it here. But beyond that? I dont know. All I know is that Im not that naive anymore. And that's that.

Secondly, I've definitely mellowed down. I used to be very competitive and ambitious in getting to the top. But having witnessed (being at the receiving end of) office politics, I think it's not worth it. Why cant people just work together and be nice to one another? And im not even working in a profit making org. ?!. I think back stabbing and putting on pretenses in front of the bosses to project a favorable image is shallow and pathetic. Let it be that if I were to ever get promoted, I get there through the quality of my work and by respecting those around me. Maybe meeting her is a blessing in disguise. Because she is indeed a negative example and I pray I never end up like her.

Enough sombre-ness. Super long wheeeeeeeeeeeeeenkend~ I claimed my half day leave yest and im on leave on mon :D And I no longer need physio cos Im kinda 'cured'.

Happy Weekend everyone! :)

I am typing this at work now on word and I'm gonna paste this on blogger later. I am feeling rather frustrated today due to a culmination of reasons. The first one pertains to my colleague. I can't place her. There is just something about her which annoys the hell out of me but I've been patient (you're talking about me here) with her simply because I cant ascertain if she's being like this on purpose or is she simply like that. What exactly?

Well, she's uber temperamental and the worse thing is that the changes are super subtle and quick that I don't know how to react! URGH. I mean one moment I feel like she's the office bitch and the next she's nice to me and all and then she's not a bitch anymore and then I feel guilty but then she does it again! And the cycle continues. I've never encountered such a person before and I'm quite lost as to how to respond to her style of interaction.

That said, I'm also frustrated because I feel under-used. The dendrites in my brain are shortening and my cells are shrinking. I need mental stimulation. Yes, it's not the peak period. I get it. And yes, it's only my first month. But I want something engaging to delve into. I might change my mind about this but till then: I miss school. I miss academia. I miss research. Although the thesis saga did not go down very well, I still very much love research. Literature review, running experiments, running stats analysis…I miss that rigor. At least that is personally fulfilling.

On a happy note, I can access utube after all. Listening to 'I'm Yours' by Jason mraz is calming J What a happy song.

I can't believe it's finally done. After months of resistance and putting it off, I have changed my blog skin. You see, over the holidays, I've been searching for skins which are simple, clean and pleasant-looking. I came across a few but they were either too complicated, too teenage-y. And when I did find something vaguely 'me', I encountered problems fitting html codes into the new skin. So I gave up. Then ever since I started working, I just couldnt be bothered. And I guess in some way, it affected my mood to blog.

So I'm excited now because I was just looking at blogger's selection of skins and without much thought, I clicked this one and wham! It's done! And Im loving it :) Simple. Clean. Green. I've decided not to keep the tagboard because people hardly tag and pop-ups keep appearing. So do leave a comment instead, ya? :)

And I've been doing a little thinking. I know that my previous posts seem to indicate that Im not finding a sense of fulfillment in my new job. That is still, alas, true. But the sheer fact that I am employed leaves me grateful. And it's timely that I got reminded that I cant have everything. This is my first job and Im only into my first month or so. I shall give it time. Insha-Allah, i will find meaning in what Im doing. Meanwhile, i shall take things in stride and learn as much as I can.

Whee~ Changing blogskin is therapeutic. It's like buying a new and pretty notebook and itching to write in it :)

I was reading yunxian's blog about how it sucks to feel completely incompetent. Believe me girl, you are not alone. I've been feeling like that the whole week. Why am I here? I dont know as much as the others. Im new, yes. But I hate not being in the know. I am not as sharp. Im not as knowledgeable. Why am I doing here?

So that's work. Ive been doing mini things here and there...and I got my first weekend work to do because someone didnt tell me she needed her stuff by monday morning sooner. ah well. Thinking about the money helps :D

Well, there are so many things to blog about. Nudgie's back in auzzie...but he'll be back in 3 months time for a whopping 3 months break so yay!

Other than that, I can only remember a few things that happened to me the last couple of weeks. I slip and fell down the flight of staircase outside gv marina and the only way to break the fall was to hook my arm to the rail...and so I ended up with a bruise I named bruce. I took some lovely pictures which I'll put up another time :D

Im going to lunch now! I guess I'll resume blogging another time. Happy weekend!

END POST~12.31pm