Updates

1. My nenek passed away on 5 March 2011, at around 8.40pm. Her passing was just as she had imagined it to be, Alhamdulillah. She was surrounded by her loved ones who were praying/selawat. She was sharp (and funny) till the last breath. I'm glad I was by her side and I do miss her so very much. I cant even type this without tears in my eyes. I think this is as far as I'll go (or can bring myself to go) for now. I shall dedicate another post entirely on her (and Baba) at some point. Just in case memory fails me.

2. Najib. Noticed that the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the past year or so and in a good way :) More exciting times ahead for us both, Insha-Allah.

3. I'm contemplating of going back to school. I've been thinking about it for some time now, but never had the energy to fill in all the application. Clinical psychology - something I've been afraid to pursue, shielding myself behind the fear that I'm not good enough or dont have the personality suited for the field. Then a conversation with a colleague transpired and I found myself asking, why not? After all, if I take the 2 years as a learning process, and not expect myself to thrive only on results, then why not? Isnt that what life is about? To learn and grow? I've narrawed down a couple of Aust unis. Hoping I'll get admission into western aust so at least I wont be so far away from home. Psychologically, proximity, or illusion of it, is assuring. Now if I can only get my personal statement, references, and so on in order.

4. I experienced my first ever vote last Saturday, 7 May. Interesting. I love how un-apathetic we have become. And the elections only heralds great things to come in our country's political landscape. I've had a fair share of thoughts on this. But I'm afraid, if I start, a thesis might come off of this and again, I've got no energy for this. I know I have a parallel blog for this purpose but I cant remember the blog name. Funny!

5. I've hesitated mentioning my job in this post so far. I suppose one of the difficult things about blogging after being absent from it is how to decide where to start. You may have noticed I've mentioned 'no/lack energy' at least twice above. It's true. I find myself without volition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in my life and ever grateful on what Allah has bestowed upon me. I don't know where my resentment towards my job started. I suppose the work is alright, but something in the organisation culture has changed. I would say it's the new CEO but I think it might be closer to home- my team has changed drastically. Generally for the good as finally, I have people my age whom I can have a sensible conversation with, or whom we can laugh around and forget that we're colleagues and not school mates. But things have changed in my view of my boss and I think that hits me the hardest. There may be impetus for her recent behaviour which I find to fluctuate between being distant and cold, to simply snappy beneath the veneer of agreaableness. I'm trying my best to be as objective and cool about this. And I will continue to try. There is a hierarchy. Perhaps it's only now that I'm feeling what I should have been feeling 17 months ago. Now all I need is role clarity.

And strength to continue doing the best that I can in all that I do.

I love it when hot afternoons mellow down to warm evenings :) The sky is really pretty right now. Ahh...it's good to be home. I touched down early this morning, unpacked, and sighed because I missed the hotel's toilet. But now, it just feels so lovely to be home. Lying on my bed, staring at the sky and just typing away on my laptop, enjoying the gentle breeze. Home sweet home!

The bangkok trip was enjoyable. I wrote my experienced in my travel diary so I shan't be typing it here. One thing's for sure, I'm definitely going back :)

PS: I signed it today!

END POST~6.44pm

Undergraduate no more! :)

Alhamdulillah, I survived 16 years of formal education!

And..........ALHAMDULILLAH! I am now employed!

Oh, what a sweet end to a long and memorable journey.
Simply surreal indeed :)

END POST~2.15am

Who says facebook isnt educational? Ive never heard of 'defenestrated' till the superpoke thing. Even then, I imagined the word to mean something like 'fumigating'. Probably cos 'nest' is embedded in the word. So I assume it means some massive bug killing. Heh, now I know what it means! It means throwing someone out the window! :)

Hm. Why would people want to do that to me? Ah well.

Im really glad this last exam is only 40%. Goodness, what a relief, knowing that ive covered more than half the module over the semester. I am seriously in no mood to mug. I came up with a nice schedule yesterday and I dont really have much time to cover everything. But I am so blah already. Doesnt help to know that some people are done already. Argh.

In exactly one week, I'll be off and away!

And I have plans after the exams. I told my sis abt how empty I'd feel after the last paper and she said she'll hang out with me :) Yay.

Then sat and sun, I'll probably spend time at home with the family. And pack. Then mon-fri morn I'll be away w cheryl and mel. Our first vacation together! Then when I come back, Im gonna start calling people up to go out with me. Im going to exercise everyday too. That's right, everyday. Im going to watch movie after movie. And read book after book.

And oh, perhaps find a job in between. Or maybe I should just enjoy myself till my savings deplete.

Worse case scenarios in no particular order

1: be a research assistant at nus
2: apply for imh or moe research assistant

3: starbucks

4: tuition

5: apply for grad school by first taking the GREs.

Either way, Im sure I'll be able to find something to do :) I'm quite glad my folks are taking it easy that I may potentially be unemployed. Ive been worried and fretting and my mom said "What are you so worried about? You dont have anything to pay what".

True and not so true. I'll technically still have to pay my tuition fees what. Alhamdulillah, I wont have to owe nasty banks but I'll still owe my family money. And I quote my mom "Money is money. Family is family". Bottomline, you owe money, no matter who, you better pay.

So Im sure when she said "What are you worried abt...". I'm sure what she meant is, "you're lucky others can help you settle the bank first so you dont have interests to bother about".

But I still owe money. And I dont like that feeling. So I'll probably get some crappy job to pay it off. Besides, crappy job can be considered 'work experience' right?

Ok la :) Life will still go on. The sky is blue and the sun will shine everyday. Im sure I'll make the best out of life.

Still, Insha-Allah, I'll get that call from them soon :)

END POST~11.57am

One week to my next and FINAL final paper as an undergraduate. As much as I want to get it done with (and done well, I must add), I don't have anything special planned following the paper so I reckon that its going to be a bit anti-climatic. Emptiness would surely ensue, as the lull I felt after Wed's paper.

A great mist lie before me. The predictable safety of academia shall be no more. No more next semester. No more next academic year. Just one big cloud ahead.

Besides the vacation, the 10k run and Najib's return, I don't really know what lies ahead. And I'm the type of person who needs to see what's coming so I can plan. I need to have a sense of purpose. I need direction. Come next Friday, I may possibly be in a state of limbo.

So I'm anxiously waiting for a call from them. I cant sleep. In my dreams I keep thinking about it. I need to let go but Im really scared of another "After careful consideration....We wish you success..". I keep checking my phone. My email. God, help me let go. If its meant to be, its meant to be.

In other news, I spent yesterday watching two movies. The first was Perfume:The story of a murderer. I give it 5 out of 5. The story is about a man, born with the gift of a superior olfactory. He is able to detect even the tiniest variation in scents. Born in, presumably 16th century paris, filthy and overpopulated, he was abandoned after birth in a dump of a fish market, and left to die. Yet, the infant Jean-Paul fought and survived, and took his first breath of putrid air. The narrator then documents his life in an orphanage where his ability unnerved the other children and so he was left alone to explore the scents around him. After being sold to work in a tannery, he was exposed to the city once again while making a delivery, and there, he selfishly took in all the scents he could possibly. Finally, he, after quite a bit of drama, entered the realm of perfumery.
The character Jean-paul hardly talks. The actor gave such a brilliant performance. His eyes. The expression in his eyes. The zeal, the obsession. Essentially, the movie charts Jean-Paul's desire to capture the sublime beauty of women and create the ultimate perfume. I do not think I have done justice reviewing this movie so I strongly urge everyone to watch it. It may sound boring at first, but rest assured, you will be pulled into this murder/mystery/thriller. On the one hand, I was rooting for Jean-Paul because his ambition really did stem from innocence, yet his actions are wrong. But I rooted for him anyway. The ending was very very surprising and satisfying. From my understanding, the movie is of german-english production so do not expect the pace of the movie to be like that of the typical hollywood ones. And the narrator was fantastic. Somber, purposeful and captivating.

The second movie I watched was a lighter one. After the first, I needed something to laugh at so I watched Over her dead body. It's quite enjoyable, especially since Paul rudd's acting in it. He has such charm about him. The movie's about how Eva longoria refuses to let go of her ex-fiance even though she's dead and is a ghost. So it's a predictable movie. How she's dead and he's grieving. How his sister comes in to help him move on and perhaps find love. How the dead fiancee refuses to let him date this psychic who can, incidentally, see her. So there's the hilarious schemes she cooks up to foil their blossoming romance. The bedroom scene is hilarious. Then how he finds out the psychic is lying bla bla bla. So they break up. But he's not happy. Then the ghost felt bad seeing him miserable so she winds up letting go of him and somehow the couple gets back together. The end. But its funny la. So go and watch.

Well, I think I'm done with today's post. I suppose I should plan out my study schedule for the psychophysio exam. One whole week to study for this. I have never had that much time to study for a paper. So i'm not going to blow my chances of acing this!

END POST~10.24am

Rejection. No matter how many times it comes flying into your face, you'll never be able to be numbed by it. Perhaps numb at first, but then it'll hurt. A whole lot. Especially when you set your heart on that one thing. And everyone else ard you has their hopes appended to yours.

I will not shed a tear. No. I'm going to swallow this lump. Because Im not destined for this. Another one will come along, Insha-Allah. God knows best.

So as much as the pain is getting stronger as minutes go by, I will exhale it. I'm blessed to be given the opportunity to get that far. To make it to the final cut. I prayed for that opportunity and I got it. I gave it my best, I honestly gave it my all. So, Alhamdulillah for that.

And that's that.

That's that.

Breathe.

That's that.

Moving on.

END POST~9.26pm