Helloooo 2015

Well, 2 posts later and here I am. In 2015.

Status: Still in Aust. Still ploughing through my degree. Thesis still haunts me - need to make amendments before I send it away forever. And still on placements.

Estimated release: Insha-Allah mid May? Oh I don't know.

Current mood: In a word, 'Meh'. It is not fun being away from home, especially when everyone you love is there.

Aside: I do need to start writing again. I was watching this TED-Ed talk on writing, and I was inspired. The video was on the use of "zombie nouns", or, in boring technical terms, "nominalisations". This occurs when words morph into chunkier, lifeless versions of themselves. Examples include: global---globalise---globalisation. So writing becomes expressionless and quite frankly difficult to read. Just like most academic readings where writers seem to have this insecure need to pomp up their words to show how brilliant their works are. So anyway, I have decided, I shall write again. And that my words will come alive.

Alive!

http://blog.ed.ted.com/2014/05/29/be-a-better-writer-in-15-minutes-4-ted-ed-lessons-on-grammar-and-word-choice/

Need to write my thesis.....

Need to write my thesis.....

Need to write my thesis.....

I want this to be over :( 

Why hello...it's 2014 already!

I'm married! To the most wonderful man in my life <3 div="">

And...............

I'm supposed to be writing my thesis but well..you know how the story goes ;p 

The elephants walked in 3s. Hurrah.

Well, that was bleak. Let's start 2013 with a cheerier post. I shall start it with...I've finally done it! I am trying my darnest to contain myself and be cool about this... (ooh, delivery for me at the door...flowers! thank you, B :) Happy niniversary!).

Where was I? I pierced my ear. I've had my lobes pierced when I was 13 and they're good and fine. But, I've had thoughts about piercing the cartilage near the tip of my ear for a few years. I noticed after significant events or when I'm just in need of a major change/need excitement in my life. Anyway, bla bla bla..it's done and I am loving it! Maybe it's a late 20s crisis I dont know but I actually feel good! :) And I'm so glad to have done this spontaneously yesterday with Yx...who got it done as well! :) Happy 28th in advance Yx. Ha.Ha. Thanks for going first. 

The boyfriend fiance loves it. 

Anyway, I don't know what 2013 holds for me. But I hope it'll be a pleasant one. Pleasant. What an under-rated word. 

And yes, I still have one more week in Spore before I have to head back. Family. Friends. Freedom. Fun. <3 div="div" nbsp="nbsp">

PS: I have been so out of touch with blogspot but apparently, some back end thing allows me to see where my readers come from. Two surprises in the latter (i) that people actually read my blog (ii) that people as far as Russia and the US read this. This is interesting. Pop me a message :) I'd love to hear from you. I may take a while to get back to you but... :) 

')

Title inspired by a random shirt bought yesterday.

In my words

The Intern

There you are, placing

Your life 

into my unskilled hands

Sitting across 

at a forty-five degrees angle

Your eyes mask the pain that lies

beneath

yet courage you had already shown by even stepping

in

I nod, I listen, I paraphrase

I look for clues in your body, subtle

They say

I search, I think, I formulate

I share it with you, it’s two ways

They say

I keep in the moment and view

Myself

through your eyes, feeling

your pain, your fear, your anguish, your shame:

Who is this in front of me?

Does she have problems 

like me?

Does she feel hurt, pain, anguish and shame?

Doe she yearn for comfort, for a good life

ahead?

Does she feel the world collapsing

on her?

Does she fight, freeze, fall or feign? 

Does she share her pain, her anguish, her shame?

Who helps the help?

I pull away. I pull away.

Don’t look at me that way. 

The focus is on you

today

Well, if you must know, I have my bouts

Of pain, anguish and self-doubt

I speak to my peers, debrief

They say

But truth be told, they too

have their burdens to see through

And others, though they earnestly offer kind words

I have heard, nay even say, them many times a day

I’m a therapist you see

Only I can help me

But come on now, that’s not the point, is it?

I’m here to help 

You

and so the focus

should and must 

never 

be

Me. 

Sem 1 results

ALHAMDULILLAH!!!

I honestly honestly honestly have no idea how this is even possible but I managed to do ok for my first sem results.

I mean, I calculated and there was NO way that I could have gotten a '6' for this one module cos in order to do that, I would have had to score 21 out of 20 for the final component - which obviously is impossible.

Then again, God Loves Me. Time and time again, He answers my prayers. Nothing is impossible, eh.

You know what this means? I'm one step closer to transferring to the doctorate programme. IF Insha-Allah, I manage to convince the head of department this Thursday.

Till then, I have one major competency exam coming up this Thursday (which isnt graded and to be honest, Im totally unprepared, and not as motivated to prep for..)

Still, I want to do well.

Onward! :)

Winter is coming

Heh, I've changed the blog's template too :) Something a little cooler, to suit the impending season. Change can be quite refreshing and inspirational :) 

4 months

Tomorrow marks 4 months. Will come to that in a bit but hmm, blogger has changed it's layout on the back end. Still getting used to this!

Anyway, I'm tired. I've been having back to back assignments - one each week since mid-May. And the frenzy will only come to an end on 5 July. Sigh. I'm not doing as well as I would like to and having assignments return like that time and again has eventually gotten to me. Sometimes I have doubts as to whether or not I even belong here or if they took me in because as an international student, they earn 3-4 times more for admitting me.

Am I working as hard as I should? I guess not. I know I can push myself harder. But I'm tired of that. I just want to learn. But how can I when I get disheartened when I don't perform as well? What a pickle.

I have an exam tomorrow. It's 20%. I need 14/20 so I won't have to recycle (retake). Then a case presentation next week. And then the final of finals for this sem - the MSAT. Multi-station assessment test which I have no clue what I'll be assessed on.

Did I mention that on top of all these, I have my clients? I have 5 active ones at the moment. God, I hope I'm doing right by them. If anything, client work is more important than assignments and la di das. These are people. Lives.

La hawla wa quwwata illa billa.

I shall leave how things unfold to God.  

Away from home

I've been here for almost a month now and I think I can safely say that I've more or less settled into Brisbane.

School is alright. I do feel that I'm learning a whole lot. I love how the focus here isnt so much as content, but on skills/competencies. After all, in this day and age, there is no need to cram all sorts of information any more since info is literally at the tip of our fingers with the internet.

My classmates are great. A mixed bunch of mature and young students. Was a bit out of place in the first 2 weeks because I wasnt sure how to interact with them and vice-versa. But after 2 intensive weeks of classes culminating in a whopping 40% competency assessment, I think we've bonded a fair bit :)

Brisbane weather is weird. I mean it was really really hot when I arrived and it's now so unpredictable. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes its hot. No wonder Im having a cold now. Oh, and sunrise is SO early. Its as bright as 9am in Singapore when its only 630am. Sunset is at 6pm.

Foodwise, there are halal options, and my housemates would take turns to cook so I save money on that. Most things here are expensive. In fact, except for Tim Tams, I dont think Ive found anything here to be as cheap as back home. Hmm.

Social wise, well, Im happier now. I mean, I can get on with my classmates, and I made some friends with a few of them..shopping, running even :) I'm getting along better with housemates. I mean it is hard living with people who arent your family and who well..arent as warm as the people youre used to hanging around with. But you know what, just as my classmates, I think we're all adjusting. At least in the last couple of days, ive been hanging out with my housemates and getting to know their friends to so that's great, eh? :) And thank goodness for skype, fb, whatsapp, etc. I dont feel so far from my family and friends!

One thing at a time. Patience and all will fall into place, Insha-Allah.

New direction

Hello,

I'm sneaking in this post while at work. I am supposed to be packing/filing/archiving. It will be exactly 2 years and 5 months here before I officially leave the organisation. I must say, I was feeling sad and overwhelmed by positive memories as I typed my resignation letter. But after a flurry of events between finishing the last sentence of that and finally submitting the letter, I feel rather energised that I'm moving on.

To school!

I got accepted into the clinical programme of my choice :) Alhamdulillah! And I start in Feb. In fact, it is exactly one month to the day I fly off and embark on a new adventure. Excited? Yes. Terrified? Definitely. I just pray my brain juice hasn't dried up. And I'm trying to psych myself up to the fact that free time will inevitably translate to study time, and anything other would likely stir feelings of guilt. Yikes.

So, I guess, I'll be blogging a lot more from now. Hopefully, not as much as I did while at nus..or at least not so fixated about passing/failing/scoring.

I just want to learn. And enjoy the process!

Bismillah!

Sabah July 2011

Is where the heart is.

I've just gotten back from what has been one of the best vacations I've had ever. My family and I went to Mabul-Sipadan (Sabah) for 4 days. Though it was a short stay, the time we spent there was bliss. We stayed at Seahorse Sipadan Scuba Lodge where the service was top-notch. Lisa and company made us feel like family. They even surprised us on our last night to celebrate my father's birthday and our passing the PADI open water course :) Was truly a home away from home holiday. Oh, we were the first visitors!

I strongly recommend the place. It's kinda like a homestay. Not a resort resort if that's what you're into. Simple, relaxing and just perfect. Full meals, transfers and heh, even entertainment cos at one point or another, someone would strum their guitar and sing. Have I mentioned how beautiful and clear the waters are?

If you're into diving/snorkelling and you're game to live like one of the locals (ok, maybe not exactly since the lodge has excellent sanitation and beds :) ), then gooooo! There are turtles and a whole host of aquamarine life to observe. I saw turtles!

That said, I'm pleased to announce that I am an officially certified diver! :)

Milestones

Najib and I are currently crossing a milestone in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, we seem to have secured ourselves a home :) Our application for a 5-room home is, I would say, successful as our queue number is within the quota of flats available. To think that the development was in such demand with approx 8 applicants to one unit.

Now, everytime I find myself driving past the field that rests in between his place and mine, I smile. We've really been eyeing this spot for a while now. I remember last year, we walked past the field and he showed me how he used to park his car and just gaze at the sky there. And I remember saying to him that Insha-Allah, if they ever build a flat there, this special place will continue to be special...and I remember feeling how right it was. Alhamdulillah.

The past couple of days, my mind has been filled with excitement mixed with anxiety. There's so much to do! This really is what growing up is about. Considering our finances and priorities...

But exciting nevertheless :)

Updates

1. My nenek passed away on 5 March 2011, at around 8.40pm. Her passing was just as she had imagined it to be, Alhamdulillah. She was surrounded by her loved ones who were praying/selawat. She was sharp (and funny) till the last breath. I'm glad I was by her side and I do miss her so very much. I cant even type this without tears in my eyes. I think this is as far as I'll go (or can bring myself to go) for now. I shall dedicate another post entirely on her (and Baba) at some point. Just in case memory fails me.

2. Najib. Noticed that the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the past year or so and in a good way :) More exciting times ahead for us both, Insha-Allah.

3. I'm contemplating of going back to school. I've been thinking about it for some time now, but never had the energy to fill in all the application. Clinical psychology - something I've been afraid to pursue, shielding myself behind the fear that I'm not good enough or dont have the personality suited for the field. Then a conversation with a colleague transpired and I found myself asking, why not? After all, if I take the 2 years as a learning process, and not expect myself to thrive only on results, then why not? Isnt that what life is about? To learn and grow? I've narrawed down a couple of Aust unis. Hoping I'll get admission into western aust so at least I wont be so far away from home. Psychologically, proximity, or illusion of it, is assuring. Now if I can only get my personal statement, references, and so on in order.

4. I experienced my first ever vote last Saturday, 7 May. Interesting. I love how un-apathetic we have become. And the elections only heralds great things to come in our country's political landscape. I've had a fair share of thoughts on this. But I'm afraid, if I start, a thesis might come off of this and again, I've got no energy for this. I know I have a parallel blog for this purpose but I cant remember the blog name. Funny!

5. I've hesitated mentioning my job in this post so far. I suppose one of the difficult things about blogging after being absent from it is how to decide where to start. You may have noticed I've mentioned 'no/lack energy' at least twice above. It's true. I find myself without volition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in my life and ever grateful on what Allah has bestowed upon me. I don't know where my resentment towards my job started. I suppose the work is alright, but something in the organisation culture has changed. I would say it's the new CEO but I think it might be closer to home- my team has changed drastically. Generally for the good as finally, I have people my age whom I can have a sensible conversation with, or whom we can laugh around and forget that we're colleagues and not school mates. But things have changed in my view of my boss and I think that hits me the hardest. There may be impetus for her recent behaviour which I find to fluctuate between being distant and cold, to simply snappy beneath the veneer of agreaableness. I'm trying my best to be as objective and cool about this. And I will continue to try. There is a hierarchy. Perhaps it's only now that I'm feeling what I should have been feeling 17 months ago. Now all I need is role clarity.

And strength to continue doing the best that I can in all that I do.

When you're looking out for policy updates regarding housing, that's when you know, you're growing up.

Why, hello

I've been well, thank you. I've just settled into my new temporary office on the fifth floor. Shifting process was terrible as I had to pack intermittenly when I'd much rather just do it all at one go. But it's done. Actually, I never finished packing. When the movers came, I simply chucked all the clutter from my table into a box and got em to wheel it up. No point sealing since I'll be using them immediately anyways.

So the office I'm at is way better than the others got. Thank God I'm not squatting in confined spaces, having to worry that someone's looking over my shoulder and at my computer screen. We're at the new office for another dept. So when our office is done, they move in. I love my cosy cube. I'm tucked away in a corner (where no one can see me) against the window :) The sun rays pore through in the morning so what a brilliant way to start the day. And, my boss seats diagonal from me, so when I need to check in with her, I just need to stretch my neck out and talk. Well, some people might hate that but I'm ok with seating near her, though sometimes, I do get asked to do things...but not as if I wont get asked if I had been sitting further.

It's the fasting month now. Not sure if this is the reason behind my lethargy. I doubt it because fasting has never been cumbersome for me. I think it's a lack of exercise. I really do think a long hiatus from physical activity would make people feel sluggish. So I went for my cardio-mix during lunch yesterday. Boy, was that a challenge. But I do feel slightly better today. I like feeling my muscles tighten and sore. It's like woo-hoo, I'm alive.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned I signed up for the stand chart marathon? 10 k on 5 Dec. I havent exactly trained. I think I should start running soon. Hopefully I'll have enough time to do so cos I'm probably going to be away from mid-Nov. Going to Washington for a conference and praying my leave is approved so I can go to NY thereafter. I have never been to the US, and the only image I have of the counrty is what I see on tv. Heh. Time to experience the real thing, eh? Like how I heard that people there are fatter than on tv. (yay! i can feel skinny for once).

Well, anyway, it's 9.48am and I really should be doing work. Blogging is my outlet for procrastinating. I have stuff to do but I dont want to do it but it must be done.

Oh bother. But that's why I put on eye-shadow today. Sometimes, it's the little things that get you to work...like a new perfume or a new pen. Yep, a new pen. Today's eye shadow cos it's glittery. Is it working? Nope. Not at all. Maybe I should get a pen. Or a new screensaver/wallpaper.

Hmm. Ok I'm off! Bye :)

Men

The 2 guys in my team are leaving so that means our department is left with 4 people and a massive reallocation of work. Exciting times ahead! For one, I'm overseeing one of our major campaigns.

My dad came back on 25 June and spent just over 2 weeks in Singapore. He bought me a belated birthday present that I deeply cherish and shall wear on my wrist every day if I can.

Najib came back around the same period too. A surprise as I was expecting him to be back only at year's end. He came bearing gifts :)

Then they both left the same day.

9 months

And yet, I feel like I've been here for so much longer.

I need to make a commitment to myself:

Thou shalt not job-hop. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Moss is green. Green is the color of currency (well, at least most commonly associated with currency even though locally, it's not applicable but hey, since most of us subscibe to western pop culture, why not). And the money tree ain't gonna grow as much or as fast if you keep changing jobs and remain stuck at entry level jobs. So suck it up and stay for at least 2-3 years.

Two to three years? Wow. Today's not only the 9th month working here, but it's also my 2 year anniversary- working. Period. And in 2 years, I've had 2 jobs. I wonder where I'll be in 5 years. How can anybody stay at a job for more than 2 years? Inconceivable! Then again, check my employment history.

A history that must be changed.

I shall commit! One step at a time. My short term goal? To survive longer than I did in my first job (15 months).

Roadtrip

The five of us took a drive up to Desaru over the weekend. Havent had a family vacation in quite a while. The last time we went there, was 20 years ago. 20. Wow. I feel old. Hur hur.

Anyway, I love quick getaways. So lucky msia has wonderful islands and yummy cheap food.

:) bliss

Humility

A spate of events over the last few days have been a needed reminder to be humble.

The anxiety, the void, the disconnect can in some parts be attributed to me wrapping myself up with thoughts of how I know a whole lot more than others. And yet, in just a few days, all that ego and self-perceived edge melted away.

Today, I am humbled. And, I am grateful. I feel pieces of myself falling back into place.

Relieved. I am me again.

A little faith

LA HAWLA WA LA QUWWATA ILLA BILLAH
The meaning of this expression is: " There is no power and no strength save in Allah." This expression is read by a Muslim when he is struck by a calamity, or is taken over by a situation beyond his control. A Muslim puts his trust in the hands of Allah, and submits himself to Allah.

Taken from http://www.islamicweb.com/begin/key_term.htm#LAHAWLA