Milestones

Najib and I are currently crossing a milestone in our relationship. Alhamdulillah, we seem to have secured ourselves a home :) Our application for a 5-room home is, I would say, successful as our queue number is within the quota of flats available. To think that the development was in such demand with approx 8 applicants to one unit.

Now, everytime I find myself driving past the field that rests in between his place and mine, I smile. We've really been eyeing this spot for a while now. I remember last year, we walked past the field and he showed me how he used to park his car and just gaze at the sky there. And I remember saying to him that Insha-Allah, if they ever build a flat there, this special place will continue to be special...and I remember feeling how right it was. Alhamdulillah.

The past couple of days, my mind has been filled with excitement mixed with anxiety. There's so much to do! This really is what growing up is about. Considering our finances and priorities...

But exciting nevertheless :)

Updates

1. My nenek passed away on 5 March 2011, at around 8.40pm. Her passing was just as she had imagined it to be, Alhamdulillah. She was surrounded by her loved ones who were praying/selawat. She was sharp (and funny) till the last breath. I'm glad I was by her side and I do miss her so very much. I cant even type this without tears in my eyes. I think this is as far as I'll go (or can bring myself to go) for now. I shall dedicate another post entirely on her (and Baba) at some point. Just in case memory fails me.

2. Najib. Noticed that the dynamics of our relationship has changed over the past year or so and in a good way :) More exciting times ahead for us both, Insha-Allah.

3. I'm contemplating of going back to school. I've been thinking about it for some time now, but never had the energy to fill in all the application. Clinical psychology - something I've been afraid to pursue, shielding myself behind the fear that I'm not good enough or dont have the personality suited for the field. Then a conversation with a colleague transpired and I found myself asking, why not? After all, if I take the 2 years as a learning process, and not expect myself to thrive only on results, then why not? Isnt that what life is about? To learn and grow? I've narrawed down a couple of Aust unis. Hoping I'll get admission into western aust so at least I wont be so far away from home. Psychologically, proximity, or illusion of it, is assuring. Now if I can only get my personal statement, references, and so on in order.

4. I experienced my first ever vote last Saturday, 7 May. Interesting. I love how un-apathetic we have become. And the elections only heralds great things to come in our country's political landscape. I've had a fair share of thoughts on this. But I'm afraid, if I start, a thesis might come off of this and again, I've got no energy for this. I know I have a parallel blog for this purpose but I cant remember the blog name. Funny!

5. I've hesitated mentioning my job in this post so far. I suppose one of the difficult things about blogging after being absent from it is how to decide where to start. You may have noticed I've mentioned 'no/lack energy' at least twice above. It's true. I find myself without volition. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in my life and ever grateful on what Allah has bestowed upon me. I don't know where my resentment towards my job started. I suppose the work is alright, but something in the organisation culture has changed. I would say it's the new CEO but I think it might be closer to home- my team has changed drastically. Generally for the good as finally, I have people my age whom I can have a sensible conversation with, or whom we can laugh around and forget that we're colleagues and not school mates. But things have changed in my view of my boss and I think that hits me the hardest. There may be impetus for her recent behaviour which I find to fluctuate between being distant and cold, to simply snappy beneath the veneer of agreaableness. I'm trying my best to be as objective and cool about this. And I will continue to try. There is a hierarchy. Perhaps it's only now that I'm feeling what I should have been feeling 17 months ago. Now all I need is role clarity.

And strength to continue doing the best that I can in all that I do.

When you're looking out for policy updates regarding housing, that's when you know, you're growing up.

Why, hello

I've been well, thank you. I've just settled into my new temporary office on the fifth floor. Shifting process was terrible as I had to pack intermittenly when I'd much rather just do it all at one go. But it's done. Actually, I never finished packing. When the movers came, I simply chucked all the clutter from my table into a box and got em to wheel it up. No point sealing since I'll be using them immediately anyways.

So the office I'm at is way better than the others got. Thank God I'm not squatting in confined spaces, having to worry that someone's looking over my shoulder and at my computer screen. We're at the new office for another dept. So when our office is done, they move in. I love my cosy cube. I'm tucked away in a corner (where no one can see me) against the window :) The sun rays pore through in the morning so what a brilliant way to start the day. And, my boss seats diagonal from me, so when I need to check in with her, I just need to stretch my neck out and talk. Well, some people might hate that but I'm ok with seating near her, though sometimes, I do get asked to do things...but not as if I wont get asked if I had been sitting further.

It's the fasting month now. Not sure if this is the reason behind my lethargy. I doubt it because fasting has never been cumbersome for me. I think it's a lack of exercise. I really do think a long hiatus from physical activity would make people feel sluggish. So I went for my cardio-mix during lunch yesterday. Boy, was that a challenge. But I do feel slightly better today. I like feeling my muscles tighten and sore. It's like woo-hoo, I'm alive.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned I signed up for the stand chart marathon? 10 k on 5 Dec. I havent exactly trained. I think I should start running soon. Hopefully I'll have enough time to do so cos I'm probably going to be away from mid-Nov. Going to Washington for a conference and praying my leave is approved so I can go to NY thereafter. I have never been to the US, and the only image I have of the counrty is what I see on tv. Heh. Time to experience the real thing, eh? Like how I heard that people there are fatter than on tv. (yay! i can feel skinny for once).

Well, anyway, it's 9.48am and I really should be doing work. Blogging is my outlet for procrastinating. I have stuff to do but I dont want to do it but it must be done.

Oh bother. But that's why I put on eye-shadow today. Sometimes, it's the little things that get you to work...like a new perfume or a new pen. Yep, a new pen. Today's eye shadow cos it's glittery. Is it working? Nope. Not at all. Maybe I should get a pen. Or a new screensaver/wallpaper.

Hmm. Ok I'm off! Bye :)

Men

The 2 guys in my team are leaving so that means our department is left with 4 people and a massive reallocation of work. Exciting times ahead! For one, I'm overseeing one of our major campaigns.

My dad came back on 25 June and spent just over 2 weeks in Singapore. He bought me a belated birthday present that I deeply cherish and shall wear on my wrist every day if I can.

Najib came back around the same period too. A surprise as I was expecting him to be back only at year's end. He came bearing gifts :)

Then they both left the same day.

9 months

And yet, I feel like I've been here for so much longer.

I need to make a commitment to myself:

Thou shalt not job-hop. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Moss is green. Green is the color of currency (well, at least most commonly associated with currency even though locally, it's not applicable but hey, since most of us subscibe to western pop culture, why not). And the money tree ain't gonna grow as much or as fast if you keep changing jobs and remain stuck at entry level jobs. So suck it up and stay for at least 2-3 years.

Two to three years? Wow. Today's not only the 9th month working here, but it's also my 2 year anniversary- working. Period. And in 2 years, I've had 2 jobs. I wonder where I'll be in 5 years. How can anybody stay at a job for more than 2 years? Inconceivable! Then again, check my employment history.

A history that must be changed.

I shall commit! One step at a time. My short term goal? To survive longer than I did in my first job (15 months).

Roadtrip

The five of us took a drive up to Desaru over the weekend. Havent had a family vacation in quite a while. The last time we went there, was 20 years ago. 20. Wow. I feel old. Hur hur.

Anyway, I love quick getaways. So lucky msia has wonderful islands and yummy cheap food.

:) bliss

Humility

A spate of events over the last few days have been a needed reminder to be humble.

The anxiety, the void, the disconnect can in some parts be attributed to me wrapping myself up with thoughts of how I know a whole lot more than others. And yet, in just a few days, all that ego and self-perceived edge melted away.

Today, I am humbled. And, I am grateful. I feel pieces of myself falling back into place.

Relieved. I am me again.

A little faith

LA HAWLA WA LA QUWWATA ILLA BILLAH
The meaning of this expression is: " There is no power and no strength save in Allah." This expression is read by a Muslim when he is struck by a calamity, or is taken over by a situation beyond his control. A Muslim puts his trust in the hands of Allah, and submits himself to Allah.

Taken from http://www.islamicweb.com/begin/key_term.htm#LAHAWLA

Go Team!

I need bounce this off someone but since I can't think of anyone and most people are armchair psuedo psychologists/counsellors any way, help me out here:

I love my work. I enjoy what I do and I find meaning in doing what I do. Getting work done motivates me. Well, of course there are parts of work I dont like but I know it's necessary for a small fry like to me execute - the nitty gritty admin stuff to make sure things go smoothly and all, but I love the other part of it. Influencing the environment, working toward something that will have a larger impact on people and how they lead their lives. That is absolutely fulfilling.

And working across departments, divisions and even agencies is exhilarating albeit challenging because you have to negotiate between your needs and theirs, etc.

But then the other aspect of work and one I find of late, well, inconvenient, is face time with my own team. It's like they dont get it nor see the importance of my work. At least that's how I feel. And I can't be bothered to explain to them. Yes, yes, so technically it's also my fault for not explaining and getting them involved but believe me, I've tried. Nobody seemed interested.

Ah, to be blessed with a boss with high EQ. She has definitely sensed my disengagement and apparently, the bosses upstairs are throwing around and screaming how important team work is, so she's echo-ing that, among others (but thats a different story). Blast. Of all the times. When I was a super team player sharing my work and opinion, nobody cares. When I've suddenly chosen to disengage and focus on my priorites, they throw team work in.

But how can I smile and play 'Go team!' when I honestly just want to do my work?

Anyway, I sense boss is trying to find out what's wrong with me. I have avoided the issue because until I've pinned the precise cause of my disengagement, I really don't know how to respond. My spider senses tell me she's going to seek me out this week. I thank God I'm not spider man - higher probability of me being wrong about this.

I am perfectly contented to leave this be. When I said I've moved on from the emo period, I really have. I think I've just grown up at work.

Yes, I think that's it :)

All the US can say is that it 'deeply regrets' what happened? Sanction em! Hypocrites. Hope this is not going to be one of those incidents that will be swept under the rugs of history. If it had been an arab nation responsible for the atrocity, the world would so gladly respond in violence under the guise of democracy/liberation. What justice is this?

Mojo-jojo

So I've finally snapped out of the slump I've been feeling at work of late.

I don't know how or why for sure, but I suspect it's because work is piling faster than I can mope (is this even a word?). Maybe I am one of those people who needs to be occupied to feel energised.

Yes, yes, I think I am.

Either way, :) long weekend!

They paved paradise to put up a parking lot

That's sg for you.

I'm so going to the railway station to eat mee siam before the gov takes over and opens it up to eager hands to build a mall. Or another condo.

After effects

~ of Glee: Bursting at my human seams (skin) to break out in song

~ of Gossip Girl: Want to be rich, limo-ed around and own a walk-in wardrobe

~ of Supernatural: Hunt demons. Salt circles anyone?

My weekend staple :)

So for the past 6-7 months, I was blinded by foolish admiration.

Was. Because a little incident happened and the human element has shattered things. Slowly, I see aspects I found awe-inspring ebbing and replaced by doubts, disbelieve and disdain.

Funny how easy the pedestal comes crumbling down the minute you find something to dislike.

Nonetheless, to err is human.

Lesson reinforced: Nobody's perfect. So see the flaws in others as part and parcel of their being. Appreciate them people, both good and bad.

Crossfire

What do you do when your boss disagrees with you and 'persuades' you to go with her option? Against your will, you do, but you feel terribly bad about it but hey, she's the boss and she's been around longer so maybe she knows if this is the best course of action. You are after all just a young fart.

And then you get a call from her boss who disagrees with this course of action and you find out that this bigger boss and you are actually on the same page.

But then, because you followed what your boss said, the bigger boss probably thinks you're the one who made that decision.

What do you do?

Let it go.

Because this happens everywhere. And if your boss is worth his/her salt, he/she would take accountability.

Learning point: Stand your ground next time.
From an optimistic point of view: At least you know a bit more about how the bigger boss thinks.

Rainy Monday

I shall start the day week with an incredibly BIG SMILE

:D

Echo

I have a strong need for sense of belonging and acceptance. Most people do, actually. This doesn’t mean I lack self-confidence or self-esteem. I think I have plenty of those. But I crave for human interaction and enjoy being involved, having my opinions heard and so on. It gives sense to existence. Otherwise, what is the point of my sentience?

So this week, and I suppose in days preceding, my heart and mind weaved in and out of loneliness, on 2 levels (i) being butt out of discussions (ii) lacking interaction with those on the same wavelength.

With regard to (i), well, that disappointment can be surmounted by reason. Those discussions are, technically, none of my business (i.e. KPI). It was nice that I was able to provide input the last time and damn, I felt I gave compelling and rich input but it’s time to bow out and focus on my own priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I love to do work beyond my JD but if certain persons feel I am no longer needed, then well, too bad (for them). No hard feelings. I have more time to myself.

Cue point (ii). Now, this one’s tough. I find it absolutely frustrating. What is maddening is my inability to articulate why without coming off as, well, a snob. Snotty. Pompous. Arrogant.
So as a qualifier, might I say that yes, having a worthy adversary (intellectually) would be wonderful, as, well, my brain would be jolted to be more critical and so forth and team discussions would be multi-dimensional/ more flavourful . But that’s not what I’m looking at per se. How about outside of meetings? I yearn for persons with similar wavelength with whom I can have easy conversations with and at the same time can switch it up. The past couple of months, it’s been flat. Like the calm ocean flat. Nice breezy calm waters flat. No peaks no troughs. Flat. Splat.

And I have moments of boredom, quite honestly. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself looking elsewhere. People on other teams. Even the interns. I think it’s time to venture out. Never know what gems I could find.

Hello people with sama sama wavelength, come out come out wherever you are! Far wants to play.

Surprise!

I surprise myself. I honestly thought I was done blogging but strangely after typing out the last post, I've been having the urge to blog some more!

I have indeed set up a different account, and was pretty much set in using that platform to express my thoughts and opinions about serious grown up stuff. Topics I'm interested in to get the brain juice flowing.

But I miss writing like this. This is inevitably a part of who I am. Who am I kidding? So heh, I think I'm going to start blogging again. I'm bored. I need an outlet to just express myself. Write long sentences, that kinda stuff.

You know what I mean :)

Ode to thee, blog~

Hello you,

It's been a while, hasnt it? Happy new year to you too. I know, I know, it's already April.

Well, I havent had enough motivation to come by. And I suppose, now that im 25, I'm kinda getting a bit too old for this, yea?

Seriously, I think I've outgrown you. Reading my old posts gives me the creeps sometimes. Haha. Good times though. Good times.

What has it been? 5-6 years already? That's fast. Tell you what, I'll come and visit once in a while, to say hi.

I've moved, did I tell you that? But it's not the same. I'm experimenting with something a little more serious..to get the brain juices flowing a little.

Well, anyways, I'm out of here. Thanks for being here when I needed to talk/express myself.

You were and still are awesome.

Catch ya later bloggie! :)