I dont know how much Ive cried today and I am ashamed of myself for being so weak.

Term hasnt even started and I feel like this already. I was suppose to submit the thing this week but he's away on reservist. Which means another weak of agony. That and problem after problem after problem keep coming up.

God, is this a test? Is this a test to see how strong I can be? Is this a sign from You that I should stop while I can and be realistic? Which is it? I need a sign. Please.

I am sad. I am confused. I am angry. I am lonely.

Where are my friends? Where are they? I need someone, anyone. Does anybody read my blog? Why not tag me? The least you could do is that. Im feeling so miserable and alone.

'Emotional blackmail' I hear one of two of you saying this to yourself. Well, if you had the cheek to think of that abt me then SCREW YOU. What kind of friend would you be if you can think of me like that anyway.

I cant believe it. I know all of you are busy. I know all of you have lives. With work. With your boyfriends/girlfriends/school/family or whatever. But at least, my gosh, at least those of you who know about what im gg through can give me support. Will it kill you to leave a god damn tag? Im not asking for a bloody dinner or movie. A phone call. An sms. ANYTHING.

Am I that lousy a person to deserve feeling this way?

I miss farhana so much. I realise now more than ever that she is the one true friend I can count on. Whether or not she's busy, she'll always make time to hear me out. With her, I can be open. With her, I can say anything I want and she'll always always cheer me up. With her, I can call her up in the middle of the night and she'd listen. Yeah, she'd be grumpy but at least she'd listen.

Besides najib, she is one of the other 2 friends who even bothered to give me a birthday present. Gosh, I know it sounds inconsequential but im big on birthday presents ok. Yeah. Im an insecure freak who needs that one day to know she is loved by ppl. Whatever else you think is your business.

Gosh, I hate myself for being so pathetic.

Do you know how many times Ive been out with my friends since vacation (May)? Three. Meeting up with farhana when she came back from mecca, winston and farhana for coffee and then a spontaneous invite by YX and Karina to shop. And Ive calculated. You know what? This week is the only week Im free to enjoy myself before my supervisor comes back and the whole shit starts again.

3 times. I guess Im lucky anyway, huh. And if not for the internship (which was the best thing thats happened to me this break), I probably would have realised my pathetic state sooner.

Im angsty and Im ready to lash at anyone.

Thats why im isolating myself from the ones I love. The last thing i want is to displace my emotions unto them.


END POST~9.01pm