This is my 660th post. And this isnt a happy one.

Ive been hobbling to get around as there's something wrong with my right foot. What exactly? I have no freaking idea. Sprain? Fracture? I dont know.

Dont you hate it when you have no control over your own body? For instance, what's causing you intense pain? Finding out what ailment you have gives you some control because then you'd know how to treat or manage it. But I dont even know what I have. I'm so freaking angry that the doctor I went to see last week refused to give me an x-ray. Doing so would have given me closure if it truly isn't a fracture. Why was he so insistent on not acceding to my request so much so that he said " clinically, there's nothing wrong with you". But if that's the case, why does it bloody hurt when i walk? I'm paying for it so why cant you just gimme the damn x-ray? Well, stuff my pain up yours, you pompous man. You have x-ray vision ah? Honestly, do some doctors have some god-complex issues or what?

Anyway, been having quite a temper lately.

I. Have. Mood. Issues.

And yet another 100 bucks, this time on shoes! :) Quite a deal, though. Two comfortable, cushion-y pairs for just under a hundred. Yay!

Walked by level one of the new mall. Whoa. Didnt realise I was still in tamp until I left the building and saw the interchange. Why would I ever move? We have everything here!

Note to self: Look good = feel good (even on rainy mondays)

I found a miracle pill that chases blocked nose away. Atarax. I used to be anti-pill popping cos I believed my body can heal itself with plenty of rest. Well, true. But little bitter pills help the body heal faster. Natural way good. Natural plus little boost is even better.

I've been holing up in bed since Friday night, ocassionally heading down to get food supply (cereal bars..no appetite). I feel slighty better now although all that lying down has made me light headed when standing. I tend to swerve to the left or to the right when walking. But I'm so glad the sore throat is gone. I hate sore throats. But it's a mandatory stage before the big ah-choo. Once the sneezes kick in, the soreness wanes.

Was thinking of hanging out by myself and getting fresh air. I havent done that in ages. Take a bus, take a nice walk around..and just be with myself. Oh, but the weather...grey clouds...I feel like just staying in bed and wrapping myself in blankets and watch dvds/movies. Work tomorrow. I'm so glad it was a long weekend to recuperate.

and of course,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! :):):)

The prospect of working on a saturday morning sucks to the core. Context statement arose fr may have sparked the following thread though ive had it simmering in my head for quite some time already.

To do: Find a consistent commitment on Sat mornings (and afternoon if possible) so will remain untouchable henceforth. I would rather do a thousand things than to take freaking public transport to freaking other end of singapore on freaking saturday.

Criteria: Must be highly inflexible (i.e. cannot skip) so it is 1) valid 2) shows im really not skiving 3) shows i have a life outside work and thus can no longer be assumed that im easily available 4) makes me feel morally guilt-free cos its valid what. what to do?

Possibility: regular physiotherapy sessions or some gym things or classes.

Any suggestions, people?

Blisters are part of life, it's true. But lately, they've been a huge part of mine. Week after week, the abuse continues. My poor toes.

We miss slippers.

So I spent nearly $200 yesterday. $150 on clothes and the rest on food. I wanted to shop and I wanted to splurge but why did I feel so conflicted on my way home then and feel uneasy still? Two possibilities:

1. I regret buying two black dresses that are work-ish
2. I didnt get to buy that black dress from zara (for going out)

The more i think about it, the more I want that darn zara dress. But that would make 3 black dresses. But its so pretty..and comfy..and I want it. But where am i going to wear it to? But a girl can live with more dresses than she needs, right? I mean one can always keep in case an event crops up...and ta-da! Dress available. Hmm. Should I? Should I? (Yx is probably sick of me vacillating). Maybe I should wait it out. If im still feeling unsatiated by next weekend, Im going to get it. Oh yeah.

I have turned into a consumerist.

On a separate note, it's been a fabulous workless weekend! Pity the weather is crazy. So hot yesterday and now it's overcast. Might go for a short run in a bit. I signed up for 10k run (I know, what was i thinking after injuring myself last year training for it) and that's going to happen May 24. Heh, leaves me over a month to stop gorging self on junk and start lacing up those running shoes. I have resolved not to overtrain like before. Nice, slow jogs..thats all :) Wish me luck.

Done. So I thought I'd reward myself for sleeping at 2am and leaving my house at 7am this morning and working my butt off to get this done. Switched on tv. Nada. Nothing good on tv la. Feel so cheated.

And technically, the report aint done till its vetted, edited and proofread like for the umpteenth time. I just hope Im home free this weekend. I want to slack without feeling guilty!!!

My shoulders are aching from all the typing. Ah! Bones is at 12 :) I shall watch it and clock in late tom. I deserve to sleep. Yesh, I do!

wah. one year ago. thesis schmesis man. ONE YEAR AGO? That's bleeping fast.

Aprils' fools is in 5 mins. Wonder who shall be my first prey.

Im so sleepy it's not funny. I have to write this report. Ive made one excuse after another and now it's all catching up.

URGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.......

hhhh.........

..........

(bang head on table)

It's raining some more. So nice to snooze.

That's why Im typing report out on my desktop instead of laptop. Cos if laptop, the following sequence of events would inevitably occur..

a. Sit up with pillows propping back up and laptop on, er, lap. Type.
b. place laptop on bed and lie on my side, propping head up with one arm and typing with the other (hand).
c. pillow supports neck and type with two hands
d. hands fall off keyboard and hugs pillow..just for a little while...just a short...while..
e. ZzzZzzzzzZzzzz


NOOooooooo!

I just came back from my meet up with Pema. We watched the shopoholic show. I wanted to shop so badly after the movie ended but almost all the shops in town were either closed or closing. What night life?

Being fat is good. If I werent this size, believe me, I'd be spending tonnes of money on pretty clothes I might wear once or twice.

Anyway, the movie is quite nice. The two leads had chemistry. The actress was quirky-funny and reminded me of amy adams from that fairytale show. Sheesh, im bad with titles. The one with the mcdreamy guy...

And the male lead looks so much like that drummer from that thing you do (who went on to star in some chick flick which i cant remember).

Anyway, this movie's probably about the same level of romantic-comedyness as 27 dresses. Enough sigh to last 30 mins after the movie ends..then its forgotten. But it was good while it lasted.

We chilled at some coffee joint after that-which explains why im still wide awake now though I think it's more to do with me trying to prolong my Saturday since I have to wake up tom (today) to write my report (I dont want to!).

Hmm. I need more long-sleeved clothes. My ugly tanline (my wetsuit had short sleeves) from redang (which was fabulous!) isnt receding anytime soon and ive exhausted using my 3/4s already.

Note to self: Never again remove shoes while in cinema ---> remember glass sharpnel in foot incident.

Oh! 24th birthday was good. Went for massage with my grandma :) Wish my parents were physically present. We webcamed the whole 'party'. And took pictures. I cant wait for them to come home.

One year ago, I was struggling to complete my thesis. Goodness, that was a whole year ago. I One year on, Im facing a different sort of struggle. A struggle of identity. Who am I, really? What do I like? What don't I? It's THE transition, they say, which, if anything, leaves me feeling unnerved. Transition to what? What if I dont pick up the signs I'm supposed to act on? What if I'm not taking the right approach and changing such that I'll be set in my ways and too late to change thereafter? If this is the transition, shouldnt I be more worried about making the right choices? About analysing how everything would impact me before I become one of those rigid adults I fear myself to be?

I'm too harsh on myself, some say. I guess I am. But Im not one to take life as it comes. I need to be in control. I want to be in control of my own development. Which is why I've felt overwhelmed and at a lost at times since...

What drives me? What keeps Farah going? The 12th of every month, for sure. The evenings and weekends where I meet up with people, people from my past...who are a reassuring presence..comfortable...I can say or do anything stupid and they wont evaluate me because they know I'm just me.

It's true what they say. As you grow older, you make fewer friends. Instead, you cling on to the ones you've had history with because they remind you of who you were...who you still are, deep down.

Anyway, I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not as sharp as I used to be. My mind cant recall as well as it used to. Once upon a time, I could say I almost had a photographic memory. I remembered details, insignificant ones as well. Now? I was at the library yesterday trying to recall the author of a book I just read a couple of weeks back. Blank. Worse, I cant remember the title of the book. Fear gripped me. What is happening to me?

My body. My mind. My soul.

Najib's going off in a few hours time. I cant believe 3 months went by so quickly. He'll be back soon, though :) Meanwhile, dear friends must call me out ok?

Two things are keeping my spirits up though.

Guess what? I bought myself an ipod nano. Oh yeah. Perks of working. Plus gov give money so hehe. shiok man. 8 freaking gigs la!

AND im going Redang tomorrow with farhana. Woot! I cant wait to just lie down with a good book and my ipod plugged in. Ahhhh.....with the sea breeze, nice warm sun.....4 days 3 nights of bliss.

When I come back, I do hope to catch up with people so fit me into your busy schedules, ya?

Hello :)

It's been a while, yes? Updates:

1. Work is fine. I've been given greater responsibility and having a new supervisor has changed things a bit. There's the peaks and throughs which I shant go into but what's important is that I think I'm finally getting into the swing of things (I'm still learning how to leave work at work and I think I'm 75% there :) )

2. Family. It's just the four of us at home now. My mom left to join my dad in dubai about a month ago. Heh, we're coping quite well. Take turns to do the laundry and clean the hse (actually, the person who cant tahan would do it). we initially thought of getting a cleaner to come once a week but after the first time, we havent called her back since. I just feel super weird having a stranger pick up after me while I loaf around at home. Plus she's so-so only. Might as well we do it ourselves. Yesterday, my bro cooked for the first time. Not the usual instant noodles cook but real food! It was not bad actually. I think the positive encouragement we gave him has fuelled him to continue. He went marketing after that.
My mom bought herself a laptop and she's picked up the whole tech thing pretty fast. She websmses me, webcams me, emails me with attachment. Impeccable! :)

3. Me. I just came back from a scrub + massage and I feel so good :) Being a working adult is uber cool cos I get to pamper myself because i can. Heh. Take that nubile young things! I'm thinking of signing up for a bikeathon in 2 weeks with najib. And signing up for a kayak one star course. And Im going to Phuket with farhana!

Woot! CNY. My fav holiday of the year! Im so excited. Empty streets, quiet neighbourhood. Bliss :)

Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone!

I think I'm stupid.

I cant articulate my thoughts.

I cant see the bigger picture.

I might as well just accept the truth.

Book smart. That's all.

Today marks the start to my second 'out of office' period.

I'm attending a course related to my work (psych,yay!) only it's held in an unlikely location. The hotel itself is alright, being brand new and all. But why oh why must it be there? Kinda inaccessible. Oh well.

The course has been interesting so far, with delegates from as far as uganda attending. I havent really gotten down to interacting with others because there arent really that many opportunities. During the breaks, my fellow coursemates were huddling over their course materials whilst cheryl and I happily had our tea and helped ourselves to the chocolate eclairs. Heh.

Aside: the course facilitator's kinda cute :) He could have passed off as a model me thinks, except that he has a slight paunch which was cleverly concealed by his blazer.

And homework. I have homework! Every assignment is scored and will count toward passing or failing. I want to pass!

So off to complete the assignments! I love being a student again :)

And so my short little break away from the office comes to an end.

Hari raya was alright :) Nothing big this year since dad aint here to cook up a feast. Had a few close friends over, mostly impromptu. So grown up, right? They greet, I invite, they come, we enjoy :) I have spontaneous friends :) Photos on fcbk!

Man, I'll have to jostle with people on the train home tmr. No more reaching home before the sun sets. Money will be burnt on lunch. hrm..

Oh well, it was good while it lasted! Besides, vacation in 2 weeks! Woot!

You know, if SP makes it to VP, I dont know what to say. Have you heard that woman talk? She goes round and round and doesnt really address qns. I know that look. I know that face. I know that kind of talk. I do it all the time when I dont know what's going on! I pretend to know what's going on. Which is exactly what she's doing! Cant her supporters see through her?

How on earth did she even end up leading a state to begin with?

Heh, imagine if the rep. wins the election and somehow SP has to meet sg's MM. It would be really really fun to watch the conversation, wouldnt it? :)

It's been almost a month since I last published a post. Actually, I have 3 backdated posts which I typed and saved in my email account since I dont want to access blogger from work. I just never really got down to publishing them till, well, now!

I'm free-er and less lazy cos Im on LEAVE! :) Half day leave today. Leave tmr. PH wed. Course (aka slack time) on thurs and friday....wheeeeeeee~ Im loving October already! :)

So here are my previous posts :) Some of which arent really worth putting up me thinks but ah well.

Tues, 9th Sept

Well. Have you ever felt so pressure cooked to complete something in one moment and then feel utterly bored in the next?

That's what happened yesterday. Before I get to that, a little context: I've been working on this presentation for our client for weeks now because somehow, the meeting keeps getting postponed.

To cut the long story short, my sup jumped the gun and sent my draft of the presentation slides to the big bosses. My colleague and I were in fact, making drastic changes while awaiting our sup to get back to us. Monday morning, I checked my email and I was shocked that she sent the slides to the big bosses for their input. Now, they're very busy people right? So I had to act fast otherwise they would be wasting their time making comments on the wrong presentation. Urgh. So I explained to my sup that I felt uncomfortable and she was agreeable to informing them about the mix up-so long as I emailed them about it. So I spent 20 minutes crafting an email because it's my first official email to either of them. I told them about how I'd send them a revised version the next day. I obsessed about the sent email some time later, regretting how convoluted the email sounded. Then I realised I imposed upon myself a dateline. Problem? The presenter was on mc and I needed her input. So I had to interrupt her rest. She was kind enough to offer her input so long as I email her the slides. So then, I told her I'd send her that night. After all, no point sending her a lousy version. Then I realised that I dont know how to tabulate the data for a particular component which she was handling all this while. Afraid of being a pain to her, I immediately sourced for help and found it in one of the admin staff who's super super nice. So all's settled right?

This morning, I checked my email. Boss lady said she didnt see my email and had by then worked on the previous version and that I'll have to incorporate her comments into the new version. At first, I wanted to slam my head on the table. But after looking at her comments, I didnt feel too bad. At least 25 %, if not more, would be addressed by the new version. PLUS I wont have to rush to submit to them the slides today :) So I'll be able to work on it together with the presenter tmr.

Fantastic right? Which means I dont really have anything to do for the rest of the day. Yay!

Im bored, though.

Thurs, 4th Sept

Ok la. I'm having a happy day at work today. Know why? It's all in the tude. The ATTITUDE.

I'm pleasantly surprised just how powerful a change in mindset is. I left the house feeling blah about having to go to work again and I kept replaying yesterday's post in my head. How I made that declaration that a part of me has died.

Then it hit me. I can change this. I can change my outlook on things. I have two choices: whine and sulk or suck it up and try to reclaim 'me'.

So I strode into the office today, chin up and smiling. And it's amazing. Everyone suddenly seem nicer today :)
I'm having a super day now. Plus im happy cos i'm knocking off in 2 hrs. Woot!

Anyway, moral of the story: If any of you feel like crap going to work, change your outlook and presto! If that doesnt work, well, hmm..

WED- 3rd Sept

I think a part of me has died since I started working. I'm no longer as bubbly, as vocal, or as caring.

I'm too malleable for my own good I suppose. I moulded myself to meet the work environment at the expense of my personality.

The worse part? I'm actually ok with it. I went through some discomfort initially, hence the "I-hate-work" posts. But now, I realise how easy it is to just sit in a corner and not make a sound. That way, zero accountability. Anything, just put on a poker face and say I dunno or not sure. All these years of being brouhaha about things when I could have just sat in a corner? Gosh, if only I had known earlier!

Heh, I have become the perfect office worker. Yesterday, this colleague came up to me and started excitedly talking about something and the only thought in my head- "Oh my God, oh MY GOD. She's gonna make me do work. Please no....keep smilling and nodding like you care...keep smiling and nodding like you care...oh no..."

Ok. I've just read my post. This is quite bad. What happened to my work ethics and personal values?

Nah. Dont have any. For now. Maybe I'll do a 180 when the time comes. Ok la. I do have some semblance of it still (this is where I try to manage impressions on me). I mean if they give something which I feel is of value and for significant purposes, then of course I'd do my best. (/impression management)

Till then I just wanna have a pleasant work experience and do what I have to do.

Awaiting pay day~

One of the things I love about Ramadan is the evenings/nights. Somehow, the nights in Ramadan seem more peaceful then nights in other months. Perhaps this serenity stems from the contentment of having successfully endured a whole day's fast. But Im pretty sure this bliss Im feeling is something else. A spiritual thing? Hmm. Either way, I feel cleaner-inside-out. I feel at peace with myself. It's only been day 1 but one thing's for sure: Im gonna start cherishing this blessed month.

Another saturday of shopping :) I didnt go as crazy buying things today as I did last week. Bought some make-up and a decent going-out top. So that top brings the total number of nice going out tops to 3. Now that Im working and have the moolah, Im trying to move away from the usual polo tee-shirt get up that I'd survive on in uni. Not that Im anti polo. I love polo tees. They're so versatile. And comfy. And safe. Especially for days when I just feel like blending into the background and not be noticed. At all. Or for trips nearby. Or go running errands. Anyway, Im just glad I have things other than polo/t-shirts and work clothes when I meet my friends or whoever over the weekend :)

And, I realise, I have no qualms spending as much as 50 bucks for a non descript top. Thats crazy by my standards a year ago. CRAZY. Oooh, I love working. I love MONEY.

Stocked up on groceries for fasting month too. Isnt grocery shopping fun? Good thing giant is a 5 minute drive from home!

Aside: Will the people stop burning stuff like right below my block. I understand that they have to do it cos the 7th month is coming to an end and stuff...but cant they just burn somewhere else? I live on the fourth floor. So the soot come in through the windows, stenching my clothes, hair and everything else. But that's not the worst. The worst thing is that my throat burns and my lungs suffocate. Ask my friends who smoke. They know I cant even be around the..er...smoke cos my throat is super sensitive :( I cant wait for this month to end. One more day! I think.

On a happier note, I knock off work an hour earlier during the fasting month so I can reach home in time to buka. My supervisor is so sweet :) Well, the rationale is that I dont go for lunch so technically, Im working the same amt of hours as the others. So there. :D

Yay~