Done. So I thought I'd reward myself for sleeping at 2am and leaving my house at 7am this morning and working my butt off to get this done. Switched on tv. Nada. Nothing good on tv la. Feel so cheated.

And technically, the report aint done till its vetted, edited and proofread like for the umpteenth time. I just hope Im home free this weekend. I want to slack without feeling guilty!!!

My shoulders are aching from all the typing. Ah! Bones is at 12 :) I shall watch it and clock in late tom. I deserve to sleep. Yesh, I do!

wah. one year ago. thesis schmesis man. ONE YEAR AGO? That's bleeping fast.

Aprils' fools is in 5 mins. Wonder who shall be my first prey.

Im so sleepy it's not funny. I have to write this report. Ive made one excuse after another and now it's all catching up.

URGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.......

hhhh.........

..........

(bang head on table)

It's raining some more. So nice to snooze.

That's why Im typing report out on my desktop instead of laptop. Cos if laptop, the following sequence of events would inevitably occur..

a. Sit up with pillows propping back up and laptop on, er, lap. Type.
b. place laptop on bed and lie on my side, propping head up with one arm and typing with the other (hand).
c. pillow supports neck and type with two hands
d. hands fall off keyboard and hugs pillow..just for a little while...just a short...while..
e. ZzzZzzzzzZzzzz


NOOooooooo!

I just came back from my meet up with Pema. We watched the shopoholic show. I wanted to shop so badly after the movie ended but almost all the shops in town were either closed or closing. What night life?

Being fat is good. If I werent this size, believe me, I'd be spending tonnes of money on pretty clothes I might wear once or twice.

Anyway, the movie is quite nice. The two leads had chemistry. The actress was quirky-funny and reminded me of amy adams from that fairytale show. Sheesh, im bad with titles. The one with the mcdreamy guy...

And the male lead looks so much like that drummer from that thing you do (who went on to star in some chick flick which i cant remember).

Anyway, this movie's probably about the same level of romantic-comedyness as 27 dresses. Enough sigh to last 30 mins after the movie ends..then its forgotten. But it was good while it lasted.

We chilled at some coffee joint after that-which explains why im still wide awake now though I think it's more to do with me trying to prolong my Saturday since I have to wake up tom (today) to write my report (I dont want to!).

Hmm. I need more long-sleeved clothes. My ugly tanline (my wetsuit had short sleeves) from redang (which was fabulous!) isnt receding anytime soon and ive exhausted using my 3/4s already.

Note to self: Never again remove shoes while in cinema ---> remember glass sharpnel in foot incident.

Oh! 24th birthday was good. Went for massage with my grandma :) Wish my parents were physically present. We webcamed the whole 'party'. And took pictures. I cant wait for them to come home.

One year ago, I was struggling to complete my thesis. Goodness, that was a whole year ago. I One year on, Im facing a different sort of struggle. A struggle of identity. Who am I, really? What do I like? What don't I? It's THE transition, they say, which, if anything, leaves me feeling unnerved. Transition to what? What if I dont pick up the signs I'm supposed to act on? What if I'm not taking the right approach and changing such that I'll be set in my ways and too late to change thereafter? If this is the transition, shouldnt I be more worried about making the right choices? About analysing how everything would impact me before I become one of those rigid adults I fear myself to be?

I'm too harsh on myself, some say. I guess I am. But Im not one to take life as it comes. I need to be in control. I want to be in control of my own development. Which is why I've felt overwhelmed and at a lost at times since...

What drives me? What keeps Farah going? The 12th of every month, for sure. The evenings and weekends where I meet up with people, people from my past...who are a reassuring presence..comfortable...I can say or do anything stupid and they wont evaluate me because they know I'm just me.

It's true what they say. As you grow older, you make fewer friends. Instead, you cling on to the ones you've had history with because they remind you of who you were...who you still are, deep down.

Anyway, I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not as sharp as I used to be. My mind cant recall as well as it used to. Once upon a time, I could say I almost had a photographic memory. I remembered details, insignificant ones as well. Now? I was at the library yesterday trying to recall the author of a book I just read a couple of weeks back. Blank. Worse, I cant remember the title of the book. Fear gripped me. What is happening to me?

My body. My mind. My soul.

Najib's going off in a few hours time. I cant believe 3 months went by so quickly. He'll be back soon, though :) Meanwhile, dear friends must call me out ok?

Two things are keeping my spirits up though.

Guess what? I bought myself an ipod nano. Oh yeah. Perks of working. Plus gov give money so hehe. shiok man. 8 freaking gigs la!

AND im going Redang tomorrow with farhana. Woot! I cant wait to just lie down with a good book and my ipod plugged in. Ahhhh.....with the sea breeze, nice warm sun.....4 days 3 nights of bliss.

When I come back, I do hope to catch up with people so fit me into your busy schedules, ya?

Hello :)

It's been a while, yes? Updates:

1. Work is fine. I've been given greater responsibility and having a new supervisor has changed things a bit. There's the peaks and throughs which I shant go into but what's important is that I think I'm finally getting into the swing of things (I'm still learning how to leave work at work and I think I'm 75% there :) )

2. Family. It's just the four of us at home now. My mom left to join my dad in dubai about a month ago. Heh, we're coping quite well. Take turns to do the laundry and clean the hse (actually, the person who cant tahan would do it). we initially thought of getting a cleaner to come once a week but after the first time, we havent called her back since. I just feel super weird having a stranger pick up after me while I loaf around at home. Plus she's so-so only. Might as well we do it ourselves. Yesterday, my bro cooked for the first time. Not the usual instant noodles cook but real food! It was not bad actually. I think the positive encouragement we gave him has fuelled him to continue. He went marketing after that.
My mom bought herself a laptop and she's picked up the whole tech thing pretty fast. She websmses me, webcams me, emails me with attachment. Impeccable! :)

3. Me. I just came back from a scrub + massage and I feel so good :) Being a working adult is uber cool cos I get to pamper myself because i can. Heh. Take that nubile young things! I'm thinking of signing up for a bikeathon in 2 weeks with najib. And signing up for a kayak one star course. And Im going to Phuket with farhana!

Woot! CNY. My fav holiday of the year! Im so excited. Empty streets, quiet neighbourhood. Bliss :)

Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone!

I think I'm stupid.

I cant articulate my thoughts.

I cant see the bigger picture.

I might as well just accept the truth.

Book smart. That's all.

Today marks the start to my second 'out of office' period.

I'm attending a course related to my work (psych,yay!) only it's held in an unlikely location. The hotel itself is alright, being brand new and all. But why oh why must it be there? Kinda inaccessible. Oh well.

The course has been interesting so far, with delegates from as far as uganda attending. I havent really gotten down to interacting with others because there arent really that many opportunities. During the breaks, my fellow coursemates were huddling over their course materials whilst cheryl and I happily had our tea and helped ourselves to the chocolate eclairs. Heh.

Aside: the course facilitator's kinda cute :) He could have passed off as a model me thinks, except that he has a slight paunch which was cleverly concealed by his blazer.

And homework. I have homework! Every assignment is scored and will count toward passing or failing. I want to pass!

So off to complete the assignments! I love being a student again :)

And so my short little break away from the office comes to an end.

Hari raya was alright :) Nothing big this year since dad aint here to cook up a feast. Had a few close friends over, mostly impromptu. So grown up, right? They greet, I invite, they come, we enjoy :) I have spontaneous friends :) Photos on fcbk!

Man, I'll have to jostle with people on the train home tmr. No more reaching home before the sun sets. Money will be burnt on lunch. hrm..

Oh well, it was good while it lasted! Besides, vacation in 2 weeks! Woot!

You know, if SP makes it to VP, I dont know what to say. Have you heard that woman talk? She goes round and round and doesnt really address qns. I know that look. I know that face. I know that kind of talk. I do it all the time when I dont know what's going on! I pretend to know what's going on. Which is exactly what she's doing! Cant her supporters see through her?

How on earth did she even end up leading a state to begin with?

Heh, imagine if the rep. wins the election and somehow SP has to meet sg's MM. It would be really really fun to watch the conversation, wouldnt it? :)

It's been almost a month since I last published a post. Actually, I have 3 backdated posts which I typed and saved in my email account since I dont want to access blogger from work. I just never really got down to publishing them till, well, now!

I'm free-er and less lazy cos Im on LEAVE! :) Half day leave today. Leave tmr. PH wed. Course (aka slack time) on thurs and friday....wheeeeeeee~ Im loving October already! :)

So here are my previous posts :) Some of which arent really worth putting up me thinks but ah well.

Tues, 9th Sept

Well. Have you ever felt so pressure cooked to complete something in one moment and then feel utterly bored in the next?

That's what happened yesterday. Before I get to that, a little context: I've been working on this presentation for our client for weeks now because somehow, the meeting keeps getting postponed.

To cut the long story short, my sup jumped the gun and sent my draft of the presentation slides to the big bosses. My colleague and I were in fact, making drastic changes while awaiting our sup to get back to us. Monday morning, I checked my email and I was shocked that she sent the slides to the big bosses for their input. Now, they're very busy people right? So I had to act fast otherwise they would be wasting their time making comments on the wrong presentation. Urgh. So I explained to my sup that I felt uncomfortable and she was agreeable to informing them about the mix up-so long as I emailed them about it. So I spent 20 minutes crafting an email because it's my first official email to either of them. I told them about how I'd send them a revised version the next day. I obsessed about the sent email some time later, regretting how convoluted the email sounded. Then I realised I imposed upon myself a dateline. Problem? The presenter was on mc and I needed her input. So I had to interrupt her rest. She was kind enough to offer her input so long as I email her the slides. So then, I told her I'd send her that night. After all, no point sending her a lousy version. Then I realised that I dont know how to tabulate the data for a particular component which she was handling all this while. Afraid of being a pain to her, I immediately sourced for help and found it in one of the admin staff who's super super nice. So all's settled right?

This morning, I checked my email. Boss lady said she didnt see my email and had by then worked on the previous version and that I'll have to incorporate her comments into the new version. At first, I wanted to slam my head on the table. But after looking at her comments, I didnt feel too bad. At least 25 %, if not more, would be addressed by the new version. PLUS I wont have to rush to submit to them the slides today :) So I'll be able to work on it together with the presenter tmr.

Fantastic right? Which means I dont really have anything to do for the rest of the day. Yay!

Im bored, though.

Thurs, 4th Sept

Ok la. I'm having a happy day at work today. Know why? It's all in the tude. The ATTITUDE.

I'm pleasantly surprised just how powerful a change in mindset is. I left the house feeling blah about having to go to work again and I kept replaying yesterday's post in my head. How I made that declaration that a part of me has died.

Then it hit me. I can change this. I can change my outlook on things. I have two choices: whine and sulk or suck it up and try to reclaim 'me'.

So I strode into the office today, chin up and smiling. And it's amazing. Everyone suddenly seem nicer today :)
I'm having a super day now. Plus im happy cos i'm knocking off in 2 hrs. Woot!

Anyway, moral of the story: If any of you feel like crap going to work, change your outlook and presto! If that doesnt work, well, hmm..

WED- 3rd Sept

I think a part of me has died since I started working. I'm no longer as bubbly, as vocal, or as caring.

I'm too malleable for my own good I suppose. I moulded myself to meet the work environment at the expense of my personality.

The worse part? I'm actually ok with it. I went through some discomfort initially, hence the "I-hate-work" posts. But now, I realise how easy it is to just sit in a corner and not make a sound. That way, zero accountability. Anything, just put on a poker face and say I dunno or not sure. All these years of being brouhaha about things when I could have just sat in a corner? Gosh, if only I had known earlier!

Heh, I have become the perfect office worker. Yesterday, this colleague came up to me and started excitedly talking about something and the only thought in my head- "Oh my God, oh MY GOD. She's gonna make me do work. Please no....keep smilling and nodding like you care...keep smiling and nodding like you care...oh no..."

Ok. I've just read my post. This is quite bad. What happened to my work ethics and personal values?

Nah. Dont have any. For now. Maybe I'll do a 180 when the time comes. Ok la. I do have some semblance of it still (this is where I try to manage impressions on me). I mean if they give something which I feel is of value and for significant purposes, then of course I'd do my best. (/impression management)

Till then I just wanna have a pleasant work experience and do what I have to do.

Awaiting pay day~

One of the things I love about Ramadan is the evenings/nights. Somehow, the nights in Ramadan seem more peaceful then nights in other months. Perhaps this serenity stems from the contentment of having successfully endured a whole day's fast. But Im pretty sure this bliss Im feeling is something else. A spiritual thing? Hmm. Either way, I feel cleaner-inside-out. I feel at peace with myself. It's only been day 1 but one thing's for sure: Im gonna start cherishing this blessed month.

Another saturday of shopping :) I didnt go as crazy buying things today as I did last week. Bought some make-up and a decent going-out top. So that top brings the total number of nice going out tops to 3. Now that Im working and have the moolah, Im trying to move away from the usual polo tee-shirt get up that I'd survive on in uni. Not that Im anti polo. I love polo tees. They're so versatile. And comfy. And safe. Especially for days when I just feel like blending into the background and not be noticed. At all. Or for trips nearby. Or go running errands. Anyway, Im just glad I have things other than polo/t-shirts and work clothes when I meet my friends or whoever over the weekend :)

And, I realise, I have no qualms spending as much as 50 bucks for a non descript top. Thats crazy by my standards a year ago. CRAZY. Oooh, I love working. I love MONEY.

Stocked up on groceries for fasting month too. Isnt grocery shopping fun? Good thing giant is a 5 minute drive from home!

Aside: Will the people stop burning stuff like right below my block. I understand that they have to do it cos the 7th month is coming to an end and stuff...but cant they just burn somewhere else? I live on the fourth floor. So the soot come in through the windows, stenching my clothes, hair and everything else. But that's not the worst. The worst thing is that my throat burns and my lungs suffocate. Ask my friends who smoke. They know I cant even be around the..er...smoke cos my throat is super sensitive :( I cant wait for this month to end. One more day! I think.

On a happier note, I knock off work an hour earlier during the fasting month so I can reach home in time to buka. My supervisor is so sweet :) Well, the rationale is that I dont go for lunch so technically, Im working the same amt of hours as the others. So there. :D

Yay~

It's a dreary looking day outside. The sky's overcast, the pouring rain has now thinned to a drizzle but still, I am contented.

Rain or shine, weekends are simply the best. If it rains, i stay home and watch dvds, tv or surf the net in bed. If it shines, I might head out shopping/movie/meet up w friends ard my neighbourhood (because i refuse to take public transport on weekends after all that travelling on weekdays)

Ahhhhhhh.....

I can finally breathe again now that my blocked nose -and work- has cleared up a little. Anyway, the new zealand trip ive been planning to take with my sis might not happen since we might be visiting our daddy instead! I kinda miss him. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like months have gone by.

And sigh, let this be a precaution to all: think very carefully if you want to get a pda phone. The thing jams a lot so expect to send it for servicing on a regular basis.

Oh! Yesterday my my sis, farhana and i went to watch the fireworks festival. First time on the floating platform..and no, it doesnt feel like its floating sadly. The fireworks were brilliant but it lasted only for a while. I was expecting displays from a few countries at one go but only the french presented their yesterday. Pretty. I love fireworks :) After that, a local band played and everyone started leaving. So poor thing. They were really good! So we stayed on to watch them play. The last perfomance was this magician. Ok la. Then the journey home. Goodness. Jam-pack la. Worth it? I dont know. Maybe public transport is a good idea when heading out to town on weekends.

I cannot wait for this week to end. Oh my GOSH. I so want this presentation to be done with already. I was pretty much the last to leave work the last 2 days working on this darn thing...

Oh sigh. But at least, im doing something psych related and familiar-data analysis- so Im quite satisfied la. At least im using my brain.

Tmr, im working from home. I have this irritating paper to write by tmr and Im supposed to finish my data analyses and presentation slides by tmr so Im hoping that staying at home would cut down time wastage, i.e. travelling.

Plus, Im sick. Yup, i am down with the flu. In fact, so many people ard me have been sneezing and coughing. Oh dear, my head feels so heavy. I just wanna sleep but I have to at least complete something tonight.

Thank goodness my sup is super nice. I was supposed to send her the slides tonight and I was prepared to stay up to do it and email her by 10 plus but she sms-ed me, telling me to continue with it tmr instead.

PHEW. Im tired. I'm probably incoherent. Why? Because Im typing, watching the news, and trying to breathe.

Behold the nearly midnight rant.

I'm back. Came home on sat night and Im still tired. The trip was alright despite 2/3 of it being work. I suppose having the comfy king size bed in a luxurious hotel room all to myself made up for things. Service was fantastic too. I'll blog about that later. For now, im tired.

Plus I skipped breakfast. So that made me pretty cranky this morning. I was inches away from snapping at people just because. I felt really really low but the day picked up after lunch. I left the office late cos i had to crunch some data and im still not done running the analyses. I tell you, we were definitely not taught how to use s..p...s...s thoroughly and effectively in school. Now I have adopt the trial and error method. My eyes. The numbers. Urgh.

Met up with pema later for dinner and we conclude that: work sucks but money and the quest for life and professional experiences motivates.

And i have this urge to get myself another piercing on my ear.

Right. Just like how i wanted to dye my head black/purple back when i was in year 4.
The things I do plan to do but might not even do when im feeling stifled.

How many times have I mentioned that things are starting to look up at work before something happens and then I change my mind? Well, thats work la. But today, I had a good day :D

I love it when I finish assignments well before the dateline. I sleep better. So I toiled the evening yesterday and I managed to complete the report around midnight. I was so proud of myself because I havent been properly trained in handling such information but it suddenly came to me as I typed it. And wa la! Alhamdulillah :) My colleague (that one) read through and made comments on it and all and I did learn quite a bit. Actually, she's quite a good person to learn from cos she's super 'strict'. So, I'm definitely more confident about doing up such reports in future and in a way, I think I'm a bit more prepared to handle interviews too.

Aside: I kinda like this new colleague who came in last friday. She's super easy going and I managed to spend some time with her today as we were the only two newbies at this convention. Yay! A new friend :)

Anyways, time to pack! Will be back on Sun morning!

Bite my tongue la.

I talk so much now I have SO MUCH WORK to do. Well, there's not so much work but whatever I have, I have to complete asap since I'm leaving to jakarta for 3 days. Bah. I have to stay up tonight to finish a report. Please God, help me do a good one.

Yeah, so I'll be going to jkt for work and I guess I'm quite excited (except for the whole clearing up outstanding stuff before leaving). I've never flown sq before so yay! And I received word today that I'll be staying at the marriott and and and I'll have my own room with a king size bed! ROLL!

Aside: Dad's safely landed, Alhamdulillah. I'm starting to miss him.

Alright, back to work!

I've changed my outlook on two things. Firstly, my wide-eyed patriotism and belief in the system has waned tremendously. Dont get me wrong, I still think that Im blessed to be living here. Alhamdulillah. And I must never forget that. Provision for the basic needs for human survival and peaceful co-existence with others of differing faiths, etc is imperative and so Im glad that we have it here. But beyond that? I dont know. All I know is that Im not that naive anymore. And that's that.

Secondly, I've definitely mellowed down. I used to be very competitive and ambitious in getting to the top. But having witnessed (being at the receiving end of) office politics, I think it's not worth it. Why cant people just work together and be nice to one another? And im not even working in a profit making org. ?!. I think back stabbing and putting on pretenses in front of the bosses to project a favorable image is shallow and pathetic. Let it be that if I were to ever get promoted, I get there through the quality of my work and by respecting those around me. Maybe meeting her is a blessing in disguise. Because she is indeed a negative example and I pray I never end up like her.

Enough sombre-ness. Super long wheeeeeeeeeeeeeenkend~ I claimed my half day leave yest and im on leave on mon :D And I no longer need physio cos Im kinda 'cured'.

Happy Weekend everyone! :)

I am typing this at work now on word and I'm gonna paste this on blogger later. I am feeling rather frustrated today due to a culmination of reasons. The first one pertains to my colleague. I can't place her. There is just something about her which annoys the hell out of me but I've been patient (you're talking about me here) with her simply because I cant ascertain if she's being like this on purpose or is she simply like that. What exactly?

Well, she's uber temperamental and the worse thing is that the changes are super subtle and quick that I don't know how to react! URGH. I mean one moment I feel like she's the office bitch and the next she's nice to me and all and then she's not a bitch anymore and then I feel guilty but then she does it again! And the cycle continues. I've never encountered such a person before and I'm quite lost as to how to respond to her style of interaction.

That said, I'm also frustrated because I feel under-used. The dendrites in my brain are shortening and my cells are shrinking. I need mental stimulation. Yes, it's not the peak period. I get it. And yes, it's only my first month. But I want something engaging to delve into. I might change my mind about this but till then: I miss school. I miss academia. I miss research. Although the thesis saga did not go down very well, I still very much love research. Literature review, running experiments, running stats analysis…I miss that rigor. At least that is personally fulfilling.

On a happy note, I can access utube after all. Listening to 'I'm Yours' by Jason mraz is calming J What a happy song.