Exam's tmr and I'm not prepared. In a strange way, I dont care. I mean I care about doing well and doing my best but Im so sick of exams. The whole mugging and writing stuff examiners want to read so they know that I know whats going on and bla bla bla.

Boring, I tell you.

But nooooo, I have 3 more papers. Tmr, sat and next wed.

And so I havent been that motivated to mug. Ive been highly distracted by the littlest things.

I cant believe I used to be such a hardworking person. Yet this sem, Ive gotten lazy and complacent. I deserve what I get in the end. Sigh.

Anyway, that aside, my grandma's in ICU. So I went to see her this morn, despite my dad saying i can visit her after my exams. Oh no no no. I will not repeat the same mistake I made with my other grandma. I didnt visit her two yrs ago when she was in hosp because I had a test and I wanted to study for it first. I told my mom I'd see her the day after. But it was too late. She passed on.

So nenek looked so frail when I first saw her. Tubes sticking in and out of her and all. But then she started talking and stuff and we could joke with each other so Alhamdulillah, I think she's okay. Good thing my sis is on call tonight too. So at least she wont feel alone at night with my sis on watch.

Back to mugging. This one is for my grandma.

END POST~10.30am

Haha. I look so pro.

http://cardiovascularlab.googlepages.com/farahidujion

EXAMS!

Jason Wade has one of the most soothing voices on the face of the earth

I heart Lifehouse.

END POST~12.24pm

I am exhausted.

I am tired.

Now I understand why a psych thesis is worth 3 modules of credits. I just want to go home. Stay at home. And start mugging like everyone else.

But I have so much admin stuff to do. Im tired. Im at the point where I find some of my participants annoying and uncooperative. People. What goes around comes around. You wait until you have to do an IRP/ISM/thesis then you know.

Wah. Those peeps not doing psych Ht will prob get straight As la. Then again, they'd have to take more psych modules per sem than I do. So i guess sama sama in the end la.

TIRED. Come come participants. Join my lab study. Help farah. I give you chocolate.

END POST~5.44pm

I am going to blog about how small I feel living in this world. How it is that reading about things going on in the world can affect me to the point where I just stop reading about them altogether. I remember back in jc, I would dutifully read every article in the papers and elsewhere, well, because of Gp. I read them not because I was interested but because I had to. But that forced me to open my eyes. To see how blessed I am to live here. To be grateful for being raised here. And then I remember feeling upset about some issue of some sort happening abroad. I remember feeling so angry and that I wish someone could do something about it. I remember telling my sister about it and I vividly remember her reply "What can you do?". What could I do?

Resignation. Thats what I felt. And so, I sank into apathy.

Today I was flipping through newsweek and that same sentiment crept into me. That same, helpless desire to do something. Here I am. A uni student so self-absorbed in the drama of my life and yet out there...out there...

Then it hit me. We each have a responsibility to the world. All of us. But especially those of us deemed to be in the uppermost percentile of out population in terms of education. Those of us whom are supposed to be aware...Yet, what are we doing? Sitting in ivory towers, writing term papers about stuff going on, passively watching from the sidelines!

Yet, what can we do?

So here I am once again...I feel that fire in me subsiding as I type this..dissipating...

I'm sliding back into apathy.

Maybe I just shouldnt fight it.

It's easier.

END POST~4.20pm

I almost cried in class today. I was superbly disappointed because I worked so darn hard for my GLM assignment and I thought I really understood those chaps well. Yet I got the same grade as I did for the previous assignment in which I didnt put in much thought for.

Worse, everyone did better than before. The mean for the class for the previous two assignments were B. So great, I was on par with most people. Then for this final assignment, the freaking mean was like an A-. What the? So of course I felt crappy like a piece of gum stuck at the base of someone's shoe. And he had to return the assignments at the start of class. So you can imagine how I wasnt paying much attention.

It was only after one hour or so of wallowing in self-pity that I vowed to work harder than ever.

Dammit farah, time to really really mug.

And you know what song popped into my head? "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down"

And then I was paying attention again :)

So know what? Alhamdulillah for that B. That assignment has definitely spurred me on. Woke me up. Reminded me to be humble again.

There's a reason for everything.

Insya-allah, I'll do ok for the exams.

END POST~4.50pm

I was watching the trailer for hellgate-london on youtube.

I WANT!

Ok, the trailer was super. But when I watched the in-game video, it was a bit...I dont know..messy? But I guess its supposed to be that way. Coolness. But I cant possibly get it now :( I mean I havent even completed F.E.A.R.

And most importantly, there's school. Bah. I shall resume all games after I grad. When nudgie's overseas and if I have nothing to do on weekends.

Sounds like a plan :)

END POST~1.49pm

OHHHHH!!!!!

Coolness! Now I can see anti-clockwise! But only when I cover my left eye! Which means to say that my right side of the brain is truly more dominant than my left!

:)

END POST~9.46pm

The right brain Vs Left brain test

I dont get it!!! Why do I see the ballerina spinning in the clockwise direction and not anti-clockwise?

Check this out!!! http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22535838-5012895,00.html

Got this from zhisheng. So cool!

END POST~9.31pm

I was looking at dunman's website cos I needed to help mel with something. Then I chanced upon photos of teachers from each dept. I scanned each and every photo, looking out for familiar faces and I found a few. Its been 6 years, farah, of course the staff members would change. But the familiar ones in the pictures..each one of them jolted different anecdotes in my head..and then suddenly, I miss sec school.

The greatest times I had in my years of schooling :) Maybe uni comes in second for now. But sec school is...so familiar..so comforting...so lasting in memory.

I love Dunman Sec Sch and all the times I spent with the special people who made Dunman..Dunman. From those scary Sec 5s when I was sec 1 to those annoying sec 1s when I was sec 4..

:) Im smiling.

END POST~2.52am

Alhamdulillah!

Im going to start my with my females participants this week..AND AND AND as soon as Mon! And this is such such a good week to start because I dont have any assignment to rush through :)

Anyway, Najib and I went to the zoo today. We had so much fun, didnt we? Thanks b :)

END POST~1.08am

My final GLM assignment is due today. I'm still typing it out. ssince he didnt impose a dateline, I am assuming I should submit it by 5pm today.

Things are finally slowing down and Im loving every bit of it. Im getting the hang of my thesis stuff so I dont have to devote that much attention to it. It's almost become auto-pilot- like. Then there's the module load. I dont have anything due next week and the only thing left before the exams is the final evo quiz.

Then its off and away to the exam hall. Then off and away once again. This time, I'll be holing myself up in dec so I can finish half of my thesis write up before Jan.

:)

END POST~2.24pm

Hi friends,

Im helping my friend (Kim) out by looking for people interested in adopting a black cat called 'Snowy'. The cat needs a home and needs to be saved from AvA because apparently, the former will electrocute her for 6 hours before letting her die (Im not sure if this is genuinely true, but if it is, Oh My Gosh. like why would you do smt like that?! So cruel!) My friend has been taking care of the cat thus far till someone in her hostel complained and so now the cat needs some saving. Pictures of the cat can be found at http://pinkplushcushions.blogspot.com/

If youre interested or know someone who is, let me know asap and I'll relay the msg to her.

END POST~7.11pm

You know, after reading the Ridge, I really want to know how come all these while, arts students arent allowed to S/U their lang modules.

I mean WHAT THE HECK? why on earth was this policy made in the first place? Doesnt mean once youre in fass youre inherently good at ALL languages.

Stupid stupid admin people.

Is there any protests going on? I want to join. I want to S/U my freaking french mods man.

Anyway, Ive already joined this facebook group protesting the S/U thing. People, join the group as well ok? Its quite a rational, peaceful group of people..at least thats what ive gathered from reading the threads. Anyway, link to the group can be found on my facebook profile.

END POST~12.41pm

Lesson of the week: Laziness is not an excuse.

Yesterday, I dragged myself to class even though
1) I was unprepared
2) It was my only lesson
3) It was from 6 to 9pm
4) It was just presentations by other groups on readings I havent done

BUT Im glad I did because at least I listened and had an idea on what the readings are about. And apparently, the materials are examinable too.

Anyway, this week will see my final lab participants for this semester. Looks like my hopes of finishing my data collection for guys are dashed. I shall have to continue with them next year.

I have a counselling essay due this friday. Thankfully, its a group essay. Initially I was apprehensive about doing a group term essay cos well, how on earth would ideas flow? But I love love love my group because the guys are so hardworking. So much so that Im the slacker! I havent been the slacker since.....since I cant remember! I feel a little bad cos I havent been putting in much..so Im gonna make sure that my bit of the essay does justice to theirs AND Im gonna make sure that I edit it well :)

Ok, gotta prepare for my next participant :)

END POST~11.09am

Ah yes, I was going to give my personal take on the current debate about whether a certain law should be abolished. Oh bother. Now Im too lazy to type it out even though I came up with a pretty good post in my head.

But the crux of it is that we simple are not ready and quiet frankly, we may never be ready to revoke it. Does that justify the status quo? Hmm.

Is it fair to those who choose to have sexual habits that are different from the others? Definitely not.
Is it right for the state to trespass on the mate preferences of an individual? Definitely not.

The right to be different. Rights.

After all, if I choose to eat prata, it is my business isnt it? Because I have to fulfil my basic need to survive and I like prata.

But if I choose to kill and eat you, will that still be acceptable as my right to nutrition? An extreme example, I know.

Point is, levels of acceptability are defined by people. We dont eat one another cos we endanger our each and everyone's existence, and that is unacceptable unless we can agree on who we should or should not kill to eat ie, set boundaries. In any case, laws are erect to protect people from acts that fall outside these boundaries of acceptibility.

While same sex preferences does not cause harm (in fact, I feel harm is too unneccessarily harsh a word to use) to others directly, it causes discomfort to others and threatens their deep seated believes and schemas which are governed and manifested in 'moral' or religious doctrines.

So I understand why majority are rooting that the law in question remains. Cos they feel threatened.

But the thing is, must protection come with punishment? Should same sex couples be charged for commiting acts which fulfil their basic needs for emotional and sexual attachment?

The whole furor now came about because that law should have never been formally placed. People have indirect means of shunning an act and placing boundaries. But to punish and conform the needs of others is wrong, esp by the state.

But abolishing the law now is tantamount to sending the message that it is now acceptable ,when it isnt.

It isnt acceptable to people because they cannot reconcile it with their personal and/or collective views on it.

But it is also wrong to deny same sex couples the right to their needs.

What to do? I guess we must all first be tolerant and rational. That is the first step to understanding and the accepting. It took a long time before women had the right to education and blacks and whites could study in the same school.

Its going to take an even longer time for people to accept same sex couples. Discussing about sex itself was or maybe still is difficult and taboo because of the intimate, private and basic nature of it. Whats more to talk about sex preferences?

I say, keep the law for now. Educate the masses because I dont buy their 'disturbing the moral fabric' argument. Seems pretty airy fairy.
Educate. Then see how it goes in future.
Although I have a feeling the law's gonna stay for a very very long time.

Oh why cant people get along?

END POST~1.40pm

I was going to post something intelligent. And then I forgot what I wanted to say.

You know, I think my neurons are dying at an exponential rate. My memory is poorer and my absorption rate of new information is significantly slower than it was 2 years ago, and pathetic compared to what it was 10 years ago.

Am I the only one experiencing the effects of ageing at this point in my life? I'm actually quite afraid.

And frustrated.

END POST~12.43pm

I seriously have issues with failure.

Ive psychoanalysed myself. And this is what Ive found out so far. Im leaving the developmental/psychodynamic bit out first..

Anyway, my ultimate goal in life is to be happy and satisfied. In order to get there, I need to feel a sense of accomplishment..success in a nutshell. I define success to be realised when I get favourable outcomes of something which I put in effort in. Hence, if its something favourable which I get without putting effort, well, that isnt really success to me. That would be a bonus.

So because I want success and happiness so much, I want to put in as much effort as I can into things I do. But, because of this need for success and the need to put in all my energy into that something so I'll feel the satisfaction later, I get afraid that all my efforts will go to waste if the outcome isnt the one I want.

Hence I end up with maladaptive coping styles. Avoidance coping to be precise. Which would explain the 2 movies, shopping cum eating spree I had yesterday, and the raya open house I attended despite having something due this afternoon.

So now I know why I procrastinate and why I binge eat when Im stressed.

Still explaination does not equal justification.

Gosh, I need therapy.

END POST~11.17pm

My head is a thermostat

END POST~9.50pm