When the dust settles too soon..

How many times have i ranted and raved on my blog about the power of procrastination and the inertia to begin work?

countless.

So what's another post? :)

I am on holiday mode. And i have an inkling as to why i feel this way. Its the 'whoosh' feeling after meeting all the datelines..where you give yourself one day to recuperate and then another and then oh boy, uve wasted 3 days.

Thought a morning swim would give me a fresh start to today but i was wrong. It only made me physically tired. (although the swim was brilliant and the breakfast (mom made waffles with butter and golden syrup) was story-book-ish. like those enid blyton books where all they do is play and after that they have a sumptious meal)

And the weather!! Its either gorgeously warm and beautiful with clear blue skies or its nice and cosy thunder stormy...

note of the day: wearing contact lenses is not gonna protect you from the Z monster.

Right. sigh, the book(s) beckons.

Two down

This has been one of the most trying weeks of my undergraduate career.

Trying is an understatement.

My dad asked my if im going to be on the dean's list again.

I told him 'No'.

If I do, great. But who am i kidding?

Whatever, chin up farah. You've done your best.
Three more papers.
Do you best and leave the rest to Allah.

Dodge

I am sleepy. I wasnt sleepy half an hour ago but i think i may konk out in a bit. My fingers are already weak typing these words.

Adol quiz. Entire syllabus. Intended to study for finals while Im at it since I may have no time later. Oh boy, i may have no time later. I just hope I do well...

Back ache acting up since I was spending 75% of my time sitting at my desk.
Physio appointment tmr at 11.30. Cant believe i have to travel all the way for a 15 minute appt. ?!

I am anticipating a hectic week.

I have a presentatiton and a report due for Lab in health. Total 70% of my grade.

I have a position paper and a final quiz for Eva Acad Arg. Total 60% of my grade.

Then that'll be 2 modules down.

The rollercoster analysis of data may potentially be coming to a conclusion. Thanks to a lecturer who's super savvy in stats and SPSS, our data looks promising again. :)

Im feeling a bit uneasy at having joined the new Psych soc sub committee for publicity. I joined because I wanted to have an extra-curricula activity again after a long hiatus. Actually, its been only one sem since I had a eca. Netball doesnt really count cos its recreational, plus I havent been going. But then now, I am afraid of commitment. I wont be able to skive off work and stuff cos the people in the committee and the main one itself are my friends. So then, its personal. gargh. I am not afraid to say it again. i am afraid of commitment and an increasing time away from studies...and slacking time...I am so afraid of being consumed and boiled down in the soc. I know this sounds weird and stuff but the experience in the 18th com, while enriching and stuff, showed me that i am not good at juggling my time. I tend to get lost.

I just want to be a part of it but at the same time, I want to have the chance to say 'No' to stuff assigned to me, without feeling guilty. The problem is, I dont want people to think that i sign up but then im a slack member who's irresponsible.

The bottom line is, Farah is a chao mugger who puts her grades first in her school domain. Everything else is secondary. I dont want to feel obliged, particularly, emotionally obliged to participate. At the same time, I want to have fun...and I want to be a part of something else besides classes, etc...

Sigh, whatever lah. First thing's first. I need to start serious mugging like tonight.
Im sick of self-handicapping myself by procrastination and not putting in all i can because I am afraid of failure.

I am afraid. yes, I am. But i have no time to be afraid anymore. I just need to do my best and focus on the task at hand.

One step at a time.

Thanks..

Pema,Melinda, Cheryl, Yunxian, lab groupmates, kweeting, daphne, kyle, xiaowen and everybody else who showed concern and helped me get around in school over the last 2 days.

Im so grateful and touched....

I am loved! heheeee :)

Went to the doc and I got myself pain killers and a referral to a physio.

Im feeling slightly better today. Im able to take bigger and faster steps.

Progress!

Poised

Its not that I am. I just happen to walk like that because of the intense pain shooting at my back each time I take a step larger than 15 cm.

If not for the fact that I am adamant in not missing classes and in not cancelling my meetings, I would probably be in bed right now.

If not for the SSC trip and a desperate meeting for my lab's data analysis, I would be in bed tmr.

Not that being in bed=not doing anything. I'd be in bed doing work.

I'm still trying to settle on a position for my GEM argument essay. Sigh. From what I've read on the forum, it seems like my classmates have been doing a lot of research in the right places. Oh dear.

I really wish I suddenly wake up one day (like tmr) with the knowledge of how to use SPSS at my fingertips. I know what Im looking for. I just dont know which buttons to press and that is tremendously irritating.

Anyhoos, my ride home is coming soon. Heh, if not for the fact that my nudgie insists I take a cab home, I'd be shuffling myself to the mrt stat and back home.

Oh, the pros of having a bf who manja-s you :)

Back and Cheese

Back...

From a blogging hiatus. I've tried to create new posts on at least 5 other occasions but I somehow never seem to get more than 3 sentences out before I decide to just forget it and log out. So many things to say, but macam malas lah. (like lazy lah)

From school and I need to get started on my position paper soon

Bio psych term paper. Encouraging. Encouraging indeed :) Alhamdulillah

Pain. My lower back is giving me problems again. Its getting worse by the day and I suspect I may have aggrevated it when I went for a run on sunday. Wah, I cant even get up from a chair without supporting my back like a pregnant lady. Gosh.

Cheese

Been craving for cheese. Forgot to buy the pretzel cheese thingy from the co-op so I went hunting for Combos. But NO. no where to be found. Neither of the 3 provision shop nor NTUC!
Had myself a chocolate banana crepe instead. Yummy. And Im frying cheese fries now.

Which reminds me...I better see to it that I dont burn the kitchen down.

And there's more..

27th OCT
-Gen bio assignments 5 & 6
-GEM 1008 mock test
-Bio psych tutorial qn/presentation

8th NOV
-Adol 'quiz'

10th NOV
-Gen bio assignment 7

17th NOV
-GEM position paper
-Lab in health report/presentation (70%...screams)

18th NOVE
-GEM 'test' (40%...test? TEST?! more like EXAM)

Where got time, tell me where got time?

(screams around with flailing arms.)

The Others

I have finally met the boyfriend's family. I received an invitation to break fast with them on monday and so I graciously accepted. My dad freaked out a little and delved into the "you're a girl, and you shouldnt go to a male's house unchaperoned" bit but then he relented because I had already told the bf that I would go and I had to honour my promise. Thankfully, my family was tremendouly supportive after hearing my gripes and worries about making a good impression and bla bla bla. I felt immensely comforted. I love love LOVE my family.

The dinner experience at his house wasnt as harrowing as I had expected it to be long before I actually had a boyfriend. Yes, when I was single, I did wonder what it would be like to have to visit the other side's family. I was expecting a lot of questions but I received only one or two. I was prepared to answer but no, no questions. So I followed the rule of thumb, 'dont talk unless spoken to' and I think it worked.

She was cordial to me throughout the dinner and the subsequent cake-cutting (it was his sister's psuedo birthday) and she insisted that I be in the photographs and even grabbed/hugged my arm so I couldnt run away. Hmm. Hmm indeed.

But then, all the sugar coated niceties (how do you spell it) came to an almost abrupt end...well, not exactly that, rather the sugar coat came off the niceties and then came the frankness in her. She dived into the mother-to-only son's/child-gf talk with utter seriousness that I had to stifle my laughter. Sigh. I understand where she's coming from. I honestly do. She's a practical lady and at some level, I understand her rationale for not wanting her son to date seriously. Ive actually heard her argument in some form or another from another source. My dad.

So I just smiled and nodded my head while in my head, I secretely uttered thanks to my dad and family for training me for that very day. Ive heard it before. I wasnt taken by surprise and better still, I wasnt afraid. After all, if I can survive my dad's version, I can pretty much survive anyone's :)

And so I left his place feeling nothing really. Happy? no. Depressed? No. Im just thankful that Ive formally met her and thats that.

And Ive learnt to appreciate my family more.

Terawih

I went to the masjid yesterday with Farhana for the special Terawih prayers which are held during Ramadan. Havent been there in a long long time so it was a refreshing experience :) Made a bit of slips here and there, like my telekung flew over my head as I was sujud-ing cos the fan was blowing at me. So embarassing but oh well. It was towards the end.

So many little children praying with their moms. Some of them merely emulating the positions their mothers were doing...so cute!!

Iqra-ed in the morning with Nudgie and he said I learn fast :) :) :)

Also, thanks to the MS exhibition in the arts forum on fri, I found out about MUIS' new initiative. An online platform for both muslims and non-muslims to pose ANY question on Islam. The best part is that you can ask ANYTHING and they'll be answered by scholars in the language you posted your question in. And, if your question is picked as the best one, you get an I-pod! :)

www.iask.com.sg Check it out ok? I had a great time perusing the website because FINALLY, i can get answers and I reckon you would too. :)

Kind Soul

My faith in NUS students is restored. Once again, I left my thumb drive in the CPU of one of the computers in central library in the morning while rushing to submit some form to the department. When I found this out 5 hours after I left it there, and just before I would usually lapse into panic frenzy mode (you know, when your whole body freezes and you mind goes 'oh no, how could i be so careless' incessantly?) and giving up hope of getting my new 512mb imation thumbdrive back, I decided to check out the lost and found counter.

I wasnt expecting anything since nothing turned out the last time. But TA-DA! There it was!!!! :)

Whoever who found it, I am so thankful. You are so so so so so kind :) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you :)

School's been ok so far. Progressing steadily for Lab in Applied Psych. I love my group. We're getting things done smoothly :) Now all we're waiting for is Prof Bishop's approval and then we can begin disseminating the questionnaires :)

Still moving rather slowly for bio psych but a few pages and knowing roughly whats going on for the past 2 lectures is a big moral boost.

Was starting to read Adol psych text for the first time and I realise that im in trouble. My eyes keep glazing through because everything seem intuitive and common-sensical. So then, how to mug like that? I've always found this kind of modules harder than others because you think its common-sensical but maybe its not and then how? ARGH.

But anyway, progress is progress, no matter how slow it is.

I am in a happy mood today. One of those days where Im just beaming with joy. Ahhhh...

PS: My dad's eye got scratched by a pointy plant shoot while he was transporting the pot up from the car last wed night. His eye has healed completely by now I think. Amazing how fast the body repairs itself :)

Gonna buka puasa with my nudgie tonight! :)

Role reversal

Yesterday, for Adol psych lecture, we covered 'the family', focusing on the relationship between the parents and the developing adolescent. There was this part on how the family is never stagnant, rather its dynamic. As the adol changes, the parents change as well. The relationship becomes one that is more horizontal than vertical. I like that idea. You know how top-down parents are when theyre children are still young..but gradually, it smoothens into a horizintal line..and then in some sense, vertical again, this time with the children holding on to the higher end of the line. Its a beautiful metaphor. Poignant. You realise there's a family life cycle. The young child from being dependant, slowly becomes the caregiver, before becoming dependant (perhaps in certain aspects) again.

I see this happening in my family already. The change. Its so different now. My opinion matters. My point of views hold water. My assistance is needed..and valued.
The sombre realisation that my parents are not so young anymore hit me hard this morning.
My dad was attacked by a plant last night (long story). We rushed down to the A&E and thankfully, his right cornea suffered only a superficial scratch which would heal soon. But my gosh, was i worried. I was worried that it could be internally caused. You never know if a vein/artery had ruptured and a minor stroke had happened since more often than not, people dont usually know they've suffered from a stroke/heart attack until much later. So Im really relieved.

Nevertheless, back to my point on role reversal. Essentially, had I not been there with my parents, their getting around the hospital would have been difficult. After all, in hospitals, you have to move from one waiting area to another etc, etc and you most likely have to rely on sign boards to navigate yourself. Futhermore, my dad already has his eye problem, my mom was also in a daze and her eyesight, though she tries to hide it, is deteriorating....
Im just thankful today is my free day. I want to be with my parents, my family, if when things like this happen.

You know, my parents (most parents actually) have put in so much for me, for my siblings. The least I can do is to be there for them as how they have been here for me.

Role reversal? Its nothing new, really. Its natural. The cycle of life.

What a monday Tuesday it is today.

I cant stand feeling stupid.

Yes, occasionally its liberating to act stupid since acting stupid momentarily allows you to let go the responsibility of knowing things. But to feel stupid is a different thing.
Simply because it is personally insulting.

It's enough that class starts at 8am and i have to drag myself out of bed at 530am and to school bleary eyed. But to embarrass myself at such an early hour is too much lah. Bio psych tutorial sure dampened my mood.

For those unfamiliar with Bio psych tutorials, here's a sum up. For tutorial sessions, everyone is broken up into groups. Each tutorial session is run like a 'game' show (roll eyes) where the presenting group poses a number of questions to the other groups bla bla bla. So each week, 2 chapters would be covered effciently and in a 'fun' manner. Fine. Innovative lah. Thing is, you have to read the two chaps before every tutorial or your group would end up stumped. Which is great cos then it ensures that you actually do read your text and all.

Oh come on. Who reads the textbook dutifully? I would take an average of four hours to finish one chapter! Plus, considering I havent read the previous chapters properly (which are the foundation for the subsequent chaps), understanding the current ones would be hard...and so you can see where this is heading.

I am digging myself deeper into the "oh no, what is going on?" danger pit for bio psych.

Argh. So of course i couldnt answer the bleeping questions satisfactorily. NO excuses for myself. purely my fault. Worse, none of my groupmates were prepared. So when it came to our group to answer the questions, silence silence silence.

If any of you know me well enough, i cannot stand silence. I just feel so freaking uneasy if im targeted a question and i dont say anything. I just have to say something. And so i did. Considering no one in my group wanted to say anything I had to say something.

And then the embarassment. I started babbling, obviously showing the whole wide world i wasnt prepared. I sounded purely bimbotic i hated myself. I kept thinking "oh come on farah, please dont make yourself look stupid...in front of your classmates its ok..but not your lecturer! "

SIGH.

Nevermind, in a way, i'm glad this happened because im gonna make bloody sure that im prepared for bio tuts from now on.

I need to redeem myself for myself.

ZeeeeZeeeZeeeee...DRRRRR....

My bathroom is being renovated as I type this. The drilling was remarkably tolerable till a few seconds ago. I will remain zen-like. I will remain zen-like. I will remain zen-like.

What on earth is 'zen' anyway?

I have very good news to share.

MY DADDY LIKES MY BOYFRIEND!

My Dad didnt explicitly say so but I can feel that he does. The way he remembers things about the Bf (considering that he doesnt seem to remember much about any of my other friends)..But you know what really made my day? It was when my dad said at the dinner table the evening after najib came that he's not worried about me. That I can take care of myself and I know what Im doing. (To which i beamed and then he added 'i hope so') :) You can say that pretty much all my life, Ive been waiting to hear him say that.

Yay. That dinner on friday was great. My dad got to know him more and nudgie got to see what a buka puasa session with my family is like.

I like this. I like how life (outside school) is going so far. Alhamdulillah.

Healthy progress

Its mid mid-sem break and I think Im more productive this mid-sem break than previous sems. Or so I hope. But im satisfied so far.

Progressing steadily in my lab in applied psych project. Which is great. I think i have fantastic group members :) So at least Im glad that this 70% project will be in good hands.

I have finished reading all the chaps covered so far for gen bio. Yes, gloat gloat gloat. But im proud of myself. And know what? The Krebs cycle isnt so hard what. Its understandable. So why do all those post A level bio peeps keep giving me the creeps by shuderring when I mention it? Its quite interesting too. Sigh. Hope im not being to cocky though. Reading and understanding is one thing. Doing well is another. I have a nagging suspicion that the finals' MCQs are gonna be way tricky. Still, i'll be ready and no way am i gonna S/U this mod :)

Been reading arabic too and alhamdulillah, i think i am improving :)

Ok, so im still deciding which topic to do for my eva acad arg mod's position paper. Should I write on 'entrapment' or 'legalising prostitution'?

Then, theres the fact that Ive totally neglected bio psych and adol psych. Im struggling with the former btw. Hopefully not for long.

Oh gosh. I dont think im that satisfied with my mid-sem break after all. ARGH.

Another 4 days to go...(but then i'll be working on my lab report...)

BLIMEY.

breathe farah breathe..

Stuff to do

BY this week:-

1) Gen bio lab assignment 3
2) Lab in health report 2
3) Gem 1008 critique
4) Gem 1008 position paper research
5) Lab in health project research

a little 'off time'

I cant exactly remember what i was dreaming about in my sleep but i vaguely remember heading to the swimming pool in one segment of it while in another segment of my dream I was speaking French (really badly, i must add) to some people. And in another segment someone was after us? 'Us' who? I have no idea.

Ive been sleeping too much. I cant seem to get myself out of bed. Take today for instance. I woke up at 5am to sahur but all i could do was to drink water with half open eyes (thankfully, i always put a bottle of water by my bed) and i went back to sleep. Woke up at 8am but then i went back to sleep. Woke up at 9.15am but went back to sleep. Woke up at 10am....and i had to force myself to sit up.

Im obviously lacking motivation to wake up.

And my sleep-wake cycle has wrongly stabilised after thurs. Im sleeping 10 hours a day now. Gosh, this is unhealthy.

Slacked on saturday and sunday but I deserve it lah.

Went to ECP on sat for a morn run with nudgie, tuition (her finals are in 2 WEEKS TIME!!! argh), then had lunch with nudgie and his sister (think the sister is warming up to me :) ) and later went to my aunts place for some prayer thing for my grandma (cant believe its almost a year already since she left).

Sunday was slacking around even though I was scheduled to study. Went shopping with sister and heh, I bought myself a pair of shoes. I fell in love with it at first sight. Ive been looking for that kind of shoe for a very long time. Its black, velvet, pointy and flat.

Anyhoos, my dad has invited nudgie over on friday for dinner. I dont know whether to feel excited or anxious.

Its nearly mid-day now and im still deciding which subject I should study. I guess I'll just open my cupboard and grab whichever book that calls out to me. No point studying something Im not in the mood for. It is the break after all :)

Break.

Sleep deprived but satisfied.

Handed in the paper finally.

Breather for now.

Happy.

Extracted DNA just now :) Cool stuff :)

Waiting for a ride home. I think its best that the public be kept safely away from me.

Hmm, everyone around me is so happy :) So nice.

Kweeting and sharon very noisy. "Now then you know", says Kweeting. "Ha Ha Ha", says sharon :)

Hmm...Im.....happy :)

light at the end of the tunnel

When you really begin to question yourself about whether God has decided to not help you because He's helped you too much and you havent been that much of a grateful person.

When you feel that something so worldly and inconsequential in the larger scheme of things shouldn't get to you but alas, it did.

When you think what a rotten person you are inside and wonder if God can forgive you and still loves you.

When you begin the question the way things are and why and then feel downright guilty about it.

When you just want to sleep cos thats where you feel happiest and care-free.

The blues.

But then, someone comes and lends a listening ear and offer kind words of advice and to remind you of what is. That's when all darkness dissipates and a rush of hope illuminates and pierces through the abyss you've drowned yourself in.

You realise and remember(as you always did, deep in your heart), that God will always be with you. God is forgiving. God is wise. God is loving.
God will always help if you ask Him to. All you got to do is to believe.

Then everything will truly be alright.

Insya-Allah.

Yank me hair out..GARGH!

Did not feel like getting out of bed today at all. I just wanted to sleep and forget about everything else. Call it my form of escapism.

How? HOW?

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, Breathe out.

The inertia to start yet again on yet another one, barely having the time to recover from the previous one.

Assignment after assignment after assignment after assignment...

I want term break to come. I need it to come. COME!!

gargh

What else is due (new)?

Item Status

1. Bio psych termpaper Done
2. Eva acad arg assignment Due Fri 15/9
3. Gen Bio lab assignment Due Tues 19/9 (dateline still to be confirmed)
4. Lab in app psych report 1 Due Wed 20/9
5. Adol psych critique Due Fri 22/9

Breathe.