im a bitch. Hear me roar.

I cant believe what i did just now. I cant believe i did that. I cant believe i broke down and started sobbing at the Swaps table. The trigger was simple really. Someone was talking about the cognitive tutorial. And then i snapped. It was the accumulation of events really. For one, shaun ong was saying how he's almost done with the term paper. Then along came xiaoyan who started talking about the tutorial i havent prepared for. Then justina joined in. All that while, i was sitting down there, churning "oh my gosh, these ppl are as busy as me and THEY know wth gg on for lessons and I DONT"

And then i suddenly started sobbing violently like a pathetic shit. "I want it to end. I wanna drop out.. I hate the situation im in". Then i thought about my family and i sobbed more. Oh, how farah is gonna dissapoint them. How they think all is well in farah's world. They think that i can get that scholarship...they think...they expect.... And then i couldnt stop.

Then along came XY again, and she was about to say something and out of no where, i bacame a monster.

I screamed and her..and told her to "SHUT UP". I was frightened even of myself. I became and unstable psycho. Im not surprised. It was about time...and i guess i saw it coming this mornin. I mean who wakes up in the morning crying at 6 bloody AM?

Yeah, i just started weeping and sniffing my eyes/nose off away after my morning prayers. Haiz....i thought that was it.

But no.

I feel darn stupid now. I mean, i said pretty mean stuff to her. Im sure you know (or wouldnt want to know) how horridly caustic i can be when provoked. Ive apologised. But still. Horrible.

Im a horrible person.

I deserve what shit im in right now. I ....I.. I dont know what to say anymore.

I disgust myself.


PS: I resent the question " Are you okay?" Because Im not. I realise that...and its okay to admit it. Im not okay.