10th October 2004

KEY note

I feel incredibly stupid right now. God, where do I start? Everything seems so surreal now. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with all that’s happened…..

I went down to Photostat my SEA presentation stuff on transparencies and to make a duplicate set of keys to the SWAPS cupboard. I had to get it done by Friday. I suppose I decided to do it today cos I wanted to show the others that I’m pretty efficient. Oh man, it turn out quite contrary. The impression of me after that event would have remarkable changed.

So I went to the shop with the bunch of keys, gave it to the guy and left, heading to the photocopy shop. When I came back, the lady was still making the keys and I had ½ left before Gilmore Girls started. So when she was done, she gave me back the original set. That was when it all began….

I was dumbfounded, stupefied, f***king pissed cos the bunch of keys in my hand didn’t feel right. I remembered instinctively that there was like 2 or more keys… where were they? I panicked. Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m so screwed. I argued with the shop keepers. I didn’t care what passers-by thought of me. I wanted my keys back. They kept insisting that what they returned me was precisely what I had handed to them. I felt helpless.Defeated…and I did the unthinkable. I started to cry. Sob violently was more like it. And in between the gasps of air, I choked on my words and explained to them, “It’s not my keys…I need them back..I need them back”. I was so sure I gave them the whole bunch. I was so sure.

My mind raced. I couldn’t do anything..I had to think of something. I reached for my handphone and called Gene. Pick up Gene…pick up…I called Eugene next. No answer. And then I called Zhisheng. When I heard the click of an answer I felt relieved.. and then I burst out sobbing into the phone, explaining to Zhisheng, feeling utterly useless and incompetent. I was initially hesitant to call him cos I’ve always felt intimidated by him. I always felt useless in his presence. Like during the acad meetings. So it was odd speaking to him…but he was so nice about it. He even offered to come down to settle things….then I called my sister in the meantime..within moments she came down. By then, I had spoken to Gene and he assured me that there was another set of keys with the admin. My sis and I decided to leave after confirming again with the shopkeepers abt the bla bla bla…that if they found the keys the should contact me. So we left…..

I was still so scared. How could I screw up such a small matter? What is wrong with me? Simple thing and I cant handle. I was irresponsible. Resigned, we were about to climb the stairs back home when suddenly my sis spotted a bunch of 3 keys on the lift landing, in one corner. I felt a flush of shame, humiliation…and relief. I called Gene…and then Zhisheng. Thank god. So I went back to the shop and apologized profusely for being such an asshole. I truly truly am.

Reflecting on this incident has thought me a lot. It made me realize how weak a person I am. How I behave under stressful situation. I melt down. Imagine, this is such a small issue and I blew it up. I lost my composure, humiliated myself. I feel like just burying my head in sand or walk around with a paperbag on my head. Shame on me. I am not as strong as I always thought myself to be. Damn.